Posted on | September 15, 2013 | No Comments
A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’.
The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op.
“Yeb, I’mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. Itbs boss”.
We asked him to remove the smarties and try explaining it again so we could understand him. “I’ve been doing it for over a month. I can get seventeen up my nose, but that’s nowt really, my mate can get thirty three. I’m in training.
“You get a rush as you push the smarties up your nostril, because each one adds more chocolate smell and that starts to get you off your head. It’s the intensity of it, man.
“Then when the chocolate starts melting it runs down the back of the nose and into the throat. But that’s not it. When it gets so far and so thick it blocks your airways and you start to suffocate. Then you get a real buzz and if you’ve done enough smarties then you pass out for a few seconds… It’s boss”.
Doctors at Furness Hospital said “Ibs quib gud fund”. We asked the doctor to remove the smarties from his nose. “It’s quite good fun, really, but I would suggest you keep the amount down to a minimum. One or two every couple of days wouldn’t have any adverse effect on your health, although please don’t quote me on it as really I haven’t a clue and just trying to jump on the band wagon” he said as we quoted directly.
Notices have been sent out to all children through their schools. The Barrow Evening Mail think that the practice should be looked at by the Government. The Editor has been so incensed by these ridiculous practices that he has publicly stated “Diz is outragus and stub be stobbed”.
Posted on | May 7, 2012 | No Comments
People frequenting Barrow Park may not have noticed the Ducks congregating in small packs around the Lake, but it has now been confirmed, by a mole, that there are factions at work. Each pack is out for full dominance of the Lake.
Although scarcely believable, we sent a reporter to the area to see if they could shed some light on the rumours. At first they were greeted with a wall of silence, but with verbal skill and cunning (and a loaf of bread) they managed to make contact with the Leaders of the factions.
In a midnight operation, nicknamed ‘Operation Midnight Operation’ the leaders and their closest of Generals were transported to the Barrow Evening Mail Offices. Over a table of Jelly and Custard Creams the discussions went deep into the night.
The problem came to the fore very quickly once every duck was around the table. The Islanders were complaining that The Edgers were using the same calling pitch as them, and now that it had turned to mating season, their females were getting confused and seeking comfort elsewhere. The Islanders felt that if the Laws of Olde were not abided by then civil war could not be ruled out.
The Law of Olde stated “Those that dwell on the Island are now and forever bound to the key of D. All calls must follow D with no exception. Those that dwell on the Edge are now and forever bound to the key of F. All calls must follow F with no exception”. However it also contained a line “All Ducks finding an empty Pot Noodle carton, must place this Holiest of Items at the foot of the Old Log.”
It was agreed that each group return to their allotted key, but the question of the stray ladies was another matter. Although The Edgers were reluctant to give any up, it was finally agreed that they needed to get something out of the deal, and so would implement a series of open border repatriation for any Duck who wanted it.
The Ducks shook wings and with great joy celebrated the efforts of the Barrow Evening Mail and expressed dismay as to the Councils lack of involvement and understanding of the situation.
Posted on | October 25, 2011 | 1 Comment
Police Chiefs have informed us that due to spending shortfalls in the previous years budget there will be a radical approach taken to cover the Furness area. Although extra officers are set to take up a local position, they believe that this will not be enough. It has been promised by the late autumn, that a new wave of crime fighters will be in place.
One hundred local cats have been signed up to be trained in the skills of surveillance and the deployment of arms. The cats are being taught to sniff out any person with criminal intent then follow them to the scene of a crime. When they arrive at the premises they will then radio in to the station where back up will be standing by. On receiving word another cat will be deployed carrying an AK47 Assault Rifle.
Police have vehemently denied that this is a stupid idea, quoting government research as their defence. The Barrow Evening Mail sent to Barbados for a copy of the report which indeed states that ‘after spending £6 million of public money we indeed believe that introducing Security Cats is a good idea.’ However the Barrow Evening Mail found no research and no accountancy procedures.
Approaching the local sheltered housing for cat’s establishment we were amazed to find that the owners also thought this was a good idea. ‘It is in our mind that cats do have an ability far greater than any other animal and therefore it goes to say that a cat with an AK47 would have the greatest understanding of when to use the weapon and when not’. It seemed that all the evidence points to cats being the ideal vehicle to keep the peace.
However the Barrow Evening Mail doesn’t give up that easy. We went back to the government research team involved and pressed them harder for a look at the real report and the finances. We are pleased to say that we did receive the full report, in a brown paper bag, handed over with the code words ‘smarties are the chocolate equivalent of green beans.’ On the spending report, we too agree that it is a good idea and that the questioning will go no further. We are behind the scheme one hundred and ten percent and will not be digging any further, definitely not… whatsoever.
Posted on | September 26, 2011 | No Comments
The French Supreme Court today issued a decree that the Parish of Askam and Ireleth actually belong to them and they have demanded the return of their land. Their claim lies on the fact that during the Napoleonic era, while the major battles were raging across Europe, an elite unit of Napoleons Army landed on the beach and claimed the land for the French.
We put a reporter onto the case to see if the claim could stand up in the European Courts; we sent him to sunny Brittany, or so he informed us. In the Abbey of Mont St Michelle there is a manuscript that shows the decree signed by Napoleon to despatch the men. It is also documented that the church had financed the boat and the wages of the men. The great scholar Demitris Thurclios believes that the Pope was annoyed that the Furness Monks had stretched their influence so wide, therefore undermining the Pontiff.
Through the records, held in the Mayors Office of Granville, it shows that a woman committed suicide believing that the 14 boys, one of them her son, would never return, being slaughtered by the Mad Englishman. With the dates being only days apart it leads to the conclusion that indeed fourteen men from Granville were ordered by Napoleon to invade England. Recently it has come to light that a Parish Gravedigger in the 1890′s recovered a clay pot in the shape of a ball whilst filling a fresh grave. The pot was given to the natural history museum were it went through the Xray machine. Inside a section of parchment showed the first names of five men and a planning application for fourteen houses on land fenced off for more than twelve years.
The French Government on hearing of the Parchment instantly laid claim to the Land. It is believed to span from Steel Street over the Slag Bank to the Lots Road. Tony Blair, in his role as European Peace Envoy, has flown to Fiji for a meeting with a representative of Barrow Council to discuss a date for an initial meeting into the crisis. The Barrow Evening Mail will endeavour to discover more; as soon as the reporter gets back… it’s been three weeks so far.
Posted on | September 22, 2011 | No Comments
The Barrow Evening Mail is proud to announce that the Village has won a national award. ‘Crazy Golf Course Free Village Of The Year’. The sponsors of the competition were pleased to hand over the trophy to the Parish Council Chairman at a star-studded concert.
The evening began with U2 taking to the Band Hall stage, with their brand new single, ‘Crazy Golf Courses Are The Bain Of Our Lives.’ Next up, the Whinfield Gardens Pogo Dance Formation Team dazzled the audience with acrobatics beyond their age, using a medley of classic Sex Pistols tracks. After a brief performance from the DSS (Dalemount Station Singers), the trophy was brought out onto the stage. The 10ft solid gold representation of Venus eating cheese brought a gasp of astonishment. The Chairman beamed throughout the handover. Addressing the audience, Askam’s Glorious Leader said he was proud to accept the award on behalf of the workers and looks forward to melting it down and going to Bali on the proceeds.
In the second half of the evening we were treated to the lovely Charlotte Church and her new backing band the Rising Steeples. With renditions of ‘Long Haired Lover From Liverpool’ and ‘Sabbath Bloody Sabbath’, the Whinfield pensioners got up, then down, and up again, to some serious groove. The Headliners were all that we hoped… Bernie Clapton, the tribute to Ernie Clapton, who is the official tribute to Eric Clapton, played acoustic versions of ‘The Cheeky Song’, ‘Green Door’ and ‘Hiroshima Mon Amour’.
John Seddon, 65, won first prize in the raffle, collecting a toilet roll disguiser doll dressed in a silk wedding dress. John was delighted and told us it was ‘better than his wedding day.’ The charity auction raised £3.76, which is to be distributed evenly between, The Mini Rugby, The Bowling Club and the Askam Branch of Jam Anonymous. Parish Council Tsar closed the evening complimenting the WI for a lovely spread and urging people to support the next competition ‘Greener Spaces For Bigger Buildings.’
Posted by Serenity Squelch
Posted on | September 21, 2011 | No Comments
A shock announcement this week came from Cumbria County Council, when it declared that the new turbines, built off the Furness Peninsula, had a dual purpose: to create a green energy and boost the tourism potential of the local area.
Their proposal states that the power created by the nearest twenty turbines would be fed directly into a propeller at the base of each tower. The propellers would then, in turn, advance the wave making process, therefore providing a natural haven for the amateur and professional surfer.
Although the power lost through the singular use of the twenty turbines would be significant, the payback to the scheme is it would not only generate millions of pounds for the local economy, but would ensure that the force of the denser waves and the extra impact from the volume of water would make the wind gustier. With that extra gust the turbines on top of Ireleth and Kirby moors would be able to spin faster and for longer everyday. The final calculation being that the existing turbines above the Parishes would be pumping out triple the green energy ever calculated for and therefore providing effectively two more turbines worth of output than the original twenty turbines used for the turning of the propellers.
The economy could be boosted by several million a year with three companies already expressing an interest in building medium sized hotels within the parish of Askam. Each business has been asked to adopt one of the turbines to the price of their maintenance over twenty-five years.
A local Askam resident said that the idea did have its positives, but could we have them… “…without the surfers”. Pointing out that you couldn’t have one without the other, they said we’d have to put up with those baggy short wearing beatniks. A more positive note came from a baggy short wearing beatnik “Cool… yeah.”
As ever the Barrow Evening Mail will keep its ear to the wind and report any more movement as and when it happens.
Posted by Serenity Squelch
Posted on | September 20, 2011 | No Comments
Every now and then somebody comes up with that sensational idea that we all take by the hand and skip in time with. Mr Baskerville, aged 63 of Deal Ave, Walney, has applied for a grant from the Neighbourhood Forum to host an evening of Disco and Leg Warmers to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the groundbreaking movie Flashdance.
Mr Baskerville wants to hire a local venue for the event and stage a full recreation of the movie featuring himself as Alex Owens (originally played by Jennifer Beals) and his Father, Gordon, as the then heartthrob role of Nick Hurley.
Mr Baskerville told The Barrow Evening Mail, ‘It has been a long time dream to play the role, as I love the costumes and I used to be a welder in the Boilershop.’ He added, ‘The songs are so accessable and joyful, they could almost be hymns.’
The set is beginning to be built in his garage and is taking shape, although scale seems to be an issue as, ‘We don’t know how big the stage will be.’ Coils of copper wire and drums of sheet metal line the walls, and a (very) large, rectangular lit dancefloor sits pride of place on top of the even older Ford Escort. ‘I’m making it all myself, and nearly everything you see is recycled from nieghbours broken household appliances. If you look closely the floor is made from perspex out of the old style kitchen cupboards, and Alex’s Pitbull Terrier is made from the bag of an old hover… I’m really pleased with that.’
Mr Baskerville is looking for a grant of £4000 to stage a seven day run in 2013, or a sponsor with the same enthusiasm for the movie that he has. If you know of anybody, please contact Mr Baskerville by picking up a flyer from the phone box near Bodycare on Dalton Road.
Posted by Semantics Fuffle
Posted on | September 19, 2011 | No Comments
A rogue email is arriving in the inboxes of surfers through out Furness. The email suggests that you can be the proud owner of a rare piece of moon rock by just filling in the form supplied and emailing it back to the originator
Mrs Gromper, aged 83, replied to the email with great excitement, as she had been a budding astronomer since 1947, her Widower told us. Mr Gromper, aged 48, said that Jean did not fully read the terms and conditions and sent for the piece of rock, it was only later that the full extent of her mistake came to pass
Three men, dressed from head to toe in Clingfilm and carrying a portable carpet cleaner knocked at her door claiming the right to Mrs Grompers living body. Pointing out clause 17.8 they preceded to hose down the distraught Mrs Gromper and then bundled her into a van. Mr Gromper told us that the slogan on the side of the van read ‘To Go Where Nobody Has Gone Before’
After an extensive manhunt, Mr Gromper received a telephone call from the MWMAKt Corporation, as they declared themselves to be. They stated that his wife had been involved in a series of experiments and unfortunately she had failed in the ‘skipping around the dark side of the moon’. The body could be found in a shopping trolley in the part of Tesco where nobody parked, although, as it had a half-life of ten thousand years, he might need a pair of rubber gloves and a set of tongs.
Mrs Gromper was put to rest in her native Ulverston. You can find her grave by looking to the night sky and following the strange glow. So please be careful if you receive the same email or indeed any email that sounds too good to be true.
Posted by Catflea Massacre
Posted on | September 19, 2011 | 1 Comment
Emergency services were nearly called out today after a horrific crash. The incident started at 2.15pm and lasted for a whole fifteen seconds when an unnamed man scraped his alloy wheel against the pavement, sending the occupent into a state of mild surprise. Calmly reacting to the emergency, he stepped out of the car and sighed quite heavily.
Staff operating the airport were said to be in a deep silence about the incident as we phoned several times without success. We surmised by the lack of response that they were trying to keep their emotions in check and it would undermine their community respect if they were seen to ‘blub like a big girls blouse’ over the carnage.
The motorist who reported the incident said that he would have to take several days off work to look for an alloy wheel the same style as his own, he said, ‘…and at this time in my life its the last thing I need’.
We would like to pass our gratitude on to the emergency services for their quick decision not to react. This decision proved correct and cost the taxpayer absolutely nothing.
Posted by Catflea Massacre
Posted on | September 18, 2011 | No Comments
The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning people that ‘the town will be over run by the meandering brainless entities’ and it lists several ways of avoiding certain death.
On his list of ‘survival techniques’ he states ‘It will be best if you leave the area, however if you cannot do that, lock your doors and have a tin of Pineapple rings handy.’ The Barrow Evening Mail contacted Mr Swartz asking him to explain why householders needed a tin of pineapples and how he had managed to find the news about the rise of the zombies. He stated that the ‘Great Zombie Under The Ground’ interrupted a dream and told him to warn the citizens of Dalton so that avoidable deaths could be avoided. The tin containing the pineapple rings could be used as a weapon and thrown at the marauding un-dead. In a hushed tone, Mr Swartz added ‘the pineapple rings are actually my idea; they are my favourite fruit to eat with either ice cream or custard and I’m hoping that after the event there will be loads of tins laying around the town so I don’t have to buy any for at least a couple of months.’
The Co-op in Dalton received a leaflet and have told us that they are ‘stocked to the gills with tins of pineapple and this event had better take place or we are going to look stupid at Head Office’.
Mr Swartz is adamant that the event will take place and that the Zombies will rise… however the Barrow Evening Mail will return to this story later in the year.
Posted by Catflea Massacrekeep looking »