Posted on | January 14, 2016 | No Comments
The National Retail Association of Great Britain contacted The Barrow Evening Mail this week to warn of a major worldwide shortage in the supply of Jammie Dodgers. It is claimed that the whole of the biscuit manufacturing sector will lose profits of up to ninety five percent as the ingredients become scarce.
The whole of the biscuit manufacturing body have launched an investigation into the situation after claims that a Barrow man is at the heart of the problem. They stated that he had inserted a decimal point into the wrong column on the order form from Burton’s Biscuit Company and that resulted in the main supplier cutting its production of ingredients. Burtons received only fifty gallons of jam instead of five hundred thousand gallons. Burtons say they are scouring the world and the known universe for further supplies, but that they are not willing to go where no man has been before.
In a shock move, Burtons will only be supplying a single branch of Coop in the Furness area. The Askam Co-op is to receive its last delivery of Jammie Dodgers on the 14th of February 2016. It has been decided that the shop will open especially at 12 midnight on the day so that they can deal with the crisis buyers and not have them disrupt a normal days shopping. Any supplies of Jammie Dodgers left on the shelf will be quadrupled in price as the usual biscuit will become a rare commodity.
Passports proving the buyers identities will be cross checked with the official electoral register so that no ‘enemies of the Parish’ will get through. It is feared that teams of specialist buyers will swoop on the store to gather as many packets as possible, then sell them on through the black market. Undercover police have infiltrated gangs in both Dalton and Kirby in the hope that illegal operations can be stopped before they get off the ground. The manager of the Co-op has been placed on record after telling a customer that ‘Crisps are kept on the shelves just inside the front door’.
At this month’s Parish Council meeting the whole agenda was extended to deal with the impending emergency. Police chiefs attended the meeting to declare that they would be putting a permanent police presence in the village to reassure the residents that no underhand activities were likely to take place.
The Barrow Evening Mail has been informed that the shortage may take the whole year to sort out. Our advice: stock up, because as we all know, there is nothing like a Jammie Dodger.
Posted on | December 9, 2015 | No Comments
Our Reporter has been holidaying with a trip to the Vatican City, and after a few days of sitting around doing nothing much but picking at their feet, cleaning ears and nose and scratching their armpits, they decided they had had enough rest and began to look into a rumour that had been ‘doing the rounds’ in Askam. To their surprise they discovered that a local resident is on the list to become a Saint. The process involves the proving of miracles and the cataloguing of selfless acts that have taken place in their name. Although the Vatican has issued a warning of legal proceedings if we name the person in question, we can reveal that they are closely connected to the Parish Council.
In a document recovered by the reporter it states that one of the miracles in question is the creation of thirteen Marrows, all containing individual images of the disciples, plus Christ, at the table of the Last Supper. When placed around a cauliflower it is believed to make a full tableau depicting the religious event. The vegetables were presented at last year’s Harvest Festival celebrations, but the judges missed the significance, only saying, “They look a little on the small side.” The soon to be Saint took a picture of his vegetables and sent it directly to the Pope who endorsed the collection as definite proof that Jesus lived and preached in and around Askam and Ireleth.
Another miracle involved the resurrection of a small dog on Dale Street. It was said that the person saw the terrier in crisis with its head stuck down the cover of a drain. Rushing to the scene they grabbed the back end and tugged hard. The small dogs death involved the removing of the head from the shoulders. Although there were absolutely no witnesses to verify the claim, the soon to be Saint reconnected the head and with a single touch to the chest, the Terrier jumped back to life and ran off wagging its tail. Although, the footnote to this story is that the dog bit a postman the next morning and was destroyed by the court.
The reporter was disturbed in the Cardinals office at this point, escorted off the premises and deported from the Vatican City with the express order not to return for the next five years, when he will once again be able to take advantage of a cheap two week camping experience. Here at the Barrow Evening Mail we will endeavour to dig further into the claims and the progress of the beatification.
Posted on | October 2, 2015 | No Comments
In a strange twist of fate, Adam Morrington, 21, from North Row, became the first known man to be eaten by the food he was preparing to eat. The Barrow born Barrovian had been digging in his garden when he stumbled across two golden tablets. On retrieving them from the soil, an angel appeared, reported to be Gabriel himself, and told him that he could translate the runes engraved in the tablet by looking at them through a jar of Robinson’s Strawberry Jam and it would endow upon him the gifts enjoyed by Jesus.
Adams friend, 48, who was a friend to Adam and wishes to remain anonymous, told the Barrow Evening Mail that Adam “Had translated the tablets as best he could. The first type of instruction that was uncovered was ‘Walking on Water’. I was there when he tried it out. We filled the bath and Adam did this little incantation and then stepped on the surface of the water. It was amazing, it was like ice, he just stood there, like floating.” Brian continued, “I left after that, my mind was blown.”
The following details were released from the Coroners Office, “On listening to Mr Richardson, 34, it is believed that a further incantation was tried, this time turning five loaves into enough food to feed the five thousand. However, we believe that Mr Morrington, 54, translated the tablets incorrectly and managed to turn a marshmallow into the size of five thousand marshmallows.” The Coroner then described the scene and the findings in the house, “All that remained was a little toe sticking out from a lump of congealed sugar substance and the remaining packet of Marshmallows. There was little blood. We believe that the Marshmallow turned on Adam and consumed him in a single bite. There was no sign of the Golden Tablets.”
Adams anonymous friend, 27, was tested for the effects of LSD, but nothing was found in his system and neither was any trace found in the remains of the little toe.
The Barrow Evening Mail believes that the events were to lead up to the second coming of Christ, but as Adam was a diagnosed dyslexic it may have been that he was not the intended target. Our Reporter was dispatched to the Vatican City, but could not gain entry to the Pope, being told to “Leave the premises.”, but not quite in that language. The Barrow Evening Mail will continue to cover this story if any further details are discovered.
Posted by: Canula Cordant
Posted on | August 28, 2015 | No Comments
Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.
In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”
The one thousand released balloons were let go in quick succession and formed a colourful chain as they each followed the same course before dispersing above Barrow Town Hall.
Each balloon was of the correct size for the payload it was carrying. The Farmer had received an EU grant to employ a post graduate student from Lancaster University’s Physics Department to conduct the correct calculations based on the amount of dairy product requested by his customer. The largest of the balloons recorded a circumference of two metres seventy centimetres, which could carry a three pint plastic carton of milk, a small carton of cream and six eggs.
Barrow Council has said that they will be looking at drone legislation in a bid to curtail the chaos that ensued. “We have recently seen an increase in tourism with the opening of the Custard Cream Museum and we do not want anything to get in the way of its success.”
Farmer Muckspread said, “Jus’ cause them buggers are mekkin’ cash from’t museum, they wanna mek me ge’ owt o’ bed befowa’t cows ge’ up. Well, I’m no’ ‘avin’ it. I’ll figh’ all’t way t’ Europe.”
Barrow Council retorted with, “If we understand him correctly, he’s got a fight on his hands.”
The Barrow Evening Mail tried to escalate the situation in a bid to cause a physical fist fight, but neither party was willing to travel the seven miles to stand face to face. As ever we will follow this story but not before we have had our Cornflakes and an fried egg sandwich.
Posted by: Catflea Massacre
Posted on | August 14, 2015 | No Comments
Askam Parish Council have issued an apology to the residents after documents were unearthed showing the true reason for the works taking place to the old ‘bus stop’. Official documents were submitted and displayed to the change of use, from bus shelter to public recreation ground. The council Chief had said at a full council meeting that the reclamation of the area would, “remove the eyesore that has dominated the vista from the Co-op and replace it with a luxurious view equal to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Taj Mahal or Christ the Redeemer statue above Rio De Janeiro”.
However, the Barrow Evening Mail has since put in a Freedom of Information request to the Planning Authorities that shows that they will indeed add another concrete planter, but the plans also include an exact replica of the wartime bunker belonging to Hitler. The grounds to the museum shall feature a fifteen foot statue of the Fuhrer, riding the back of a Valkyrie, whilst eating a Mabel’s meat and potato pie. The frontage will be based on the Reichstag Government building in Berlin which will lead downstairs to the control centre of the Nazi War Machine.
Whilst in the experience the visitor will be shown a fifteen minute condensed history of the war years between 1939 and 1945, ending with the emancipation of the German people by the allied forces. To curtail any emotional distress the documentary will be in animation form and will feature the characters of Snap, Crackle and Pop from the Rice Krispie adverts, also Tony the Tiger as Himmler. On exiting, a representative of the museum will take your photograph with cardboard cutouts of the man himself, Mussolini and Churchill complete with the caption, ‘Askam has it all’.
A council representative of the Council stated ‘We are hoping that the museum will generate extra tourism in the village and that it will teach the stupid electorate that our installing of speed bumps was not akin to the decision to kill six million Jews as purported by those Bolshevik layabout voters.” adding, “wait till they’ve seen what we are going to do with the Temperance Hall.”
The Barrow Evening Mail has condemned this decision as it will remove all public toilets from the area and that residents will be asked to help pay for the construction through a 9000% rise in their Council Tax. Further to this, the Barrow Evening Mail has started a petition on change.org and is requesting that as many people as possible sign to reverse this insane plan.
As ever we will be keeping you up to date through our Twitter feed.
Posted by: Catflea Massacre
Posted on | July 25, 2015 | No Comments
A minor faux pas was today something of a huge global phenomenon as a short movie was sent around the world on all social platforms. Twitter had to reboot all of its servers, Facebook was left with millions of empty status updates about breakfasts and cats and MySpace was (as always) devoid of everything except tumbleweed, as nearly one billion people tried to stream the video.
Mark Gavertonson, 17, from Darwin Street, Barrow, was surprised to find the worlds media camped outside his house. After pushing past BBCs Mark Easton and kicking Emily Maitland he managed to push through the front door and take refuge in the living room. Mark, 21 called the Barrow Evening Mail and gave us the exclusive interview and photo shoot, although he wasn’t sure what was happening.
“I still don’t know what is happening. Why are they here?” Our Reporter explained the situation and logging onto the internet they showed Mark, 47, the video.
“I don’t know how I missed it” a shocked Mark, 23, blurted. While the video showed Mark just missing a lamppost as he was walking along, which he was aware of, he stepped backwards, one foot slipped off the kerb but then he failed to see a car in the background swerve to avoid Mark and crash into a wheelie bin. A cat jump out of the wheelie bin, giving the bin enough momentum to fall over spilling its contents, including an empty bean tin, which rolled off and caught under the foot of a pensioner causing her to fall backwards over her pull along tarten shopping trolley and in to a blow up paddling pool, that sent a plume of water high into the sky, knocking a seagull into a nose dive, with it landing on an electricity line, catapulting it back over the rooftops, where a couple of seconds later an audible cry of “Ow” was audibly heard. A dog run in and grab a packet of sausages from the shopping trolley; escaping, the dog jumping in front of a skateboarder who trying to take evasive action lands straddling a handrail and rolling off into a large pile of nettles. An angry man, holding a dead seagull, running around the corner, hitting the ladder of a windowcleaner, who lets go of his bucket to steady the ladder, which falls on the head of the Angry Man,
Mark, 52, sat shaking his head, stunned. We asked him further questions but he was speechless, literally. After stealing a couple of slices of bread and a packet of ham, some Flora (other margarines are available), a six pack of skips, a pork pie, a knife, a plate, a chair and a table, our reporter headed back to the office for a nice picnic.
Posted by: Catflea Massacre
Posted on | July 10, 2015 | No Comments
Chaos was the watchword today as Dalton came to a standstill. Residents looked on in horror as a HGV, loaded with the world’s largest Egg Sandwich trundled through the town centre.
The wide load had begun its journey from a factory unit just outside of Kendal; however problems only started to occur when the vehicle had to slow down when passing through Ulverston. The escort driver at the rear had noticed that the cellophane wrapping had been ripped apart when passing some low hung branches on the A590. When the vehicle was brought to a halt, just outside of the Roxy Cinema, Seagulls flocked in to take a feed.
Although most were cleared from the sandwich as the vehicle managed to get to a decent speed through Swarthmoor, the hoard of gulls had caught up to the vehicle as it made its decent into Dalton after the escort driver took the first, rather than the second exit off the roundabout. By the time the vehicle had begun to negotiate its way through the Black Bull bottleneck, all the gulls from Dalton had joined the massing throng.
Mr Smith, 53, from Smith street, said, “There must have been at least a thousand birds all flying trying to get purchase on the sandwich. As soon as a bird landed it was pushed off again. I know that your paper is a family paper, and I read it all the time because it is such a fantastic publication, but I was covered in poo, the road was covered in poo, the houses were covered in poo. If you stuck a musician in the middle of it, you could have called it PooFest.”
By the time the HGV had managed to find its way through the Town Centre, the record breaking Egg Sandwich had been reducd in size to one that would have just about satisfied an average family of four while picnicking on Black Combe. Dalton’s Mayor said, “The cleanup will cost at least £63,000.52. The amount of guano (bird poo) we believe will total seven tonnes. We are bringing in martial law, until the emergency has passed.”
Expert have warned people not to mistake the substance for mayonnaise, and whatever people do, not to put it in their sandwich.
Posted by: Catflea Massacre
Posted on | May 15, 2015 | No Comments
Barrow Borough Council has been at the forefront of a major attack today by constituents demanding answers to the questions that they were trying to ask. Mrs Fallowdish, 54, demanded a response to her questions regarding the state of the potholes outside her house, which are now gathering outside her house and causing all sorts of noise nuisance ranging from “Loud Hip Hop-pity music to aggressive belching, not to mention the obvious drug use.”
Mrs Fallowdish, 71 and her friend Miss Dallowfish, 27, marched in to the Barrow Evening Mail Headquarters supporting sandwich boards around their necks containing the remnants of a prawn mayo baguette and three bean wrap respectively, and shouted at the Receptionist, demanding to see the Editor. After making his way downstairs he was confronted by the two said women who continued on about the state of their domestic arrangements and the fact that they couldn’t sleep at night due to the obvious immigrant potholes. “Coming over here in their droves, they should be made to stay in their own countries roads.”
After a nice cup of Lapsang Souchong and a plate of chocolate danish they calmly explained that they had turned up at a Press Conference that should have been attended by the Mayor of Barrow and several of the Local Councillors. After three hours of complaint, demand and threats, the Editor only managed to get them out of the door by promising to bring the incident up with the Mayor at the next meeting.
The Editor, speaking to the Mayor, discovered that there had been no notification of a Public Meeting, or any informal meet and greets, or any steps outside of the office that day. She continued to say that there had indeed been no intention to meet any of the “… greasy, filth laden, lazy and God damned electorate. Why would we want to do that? We are Council Officials and not stupid enough.”
The Barrow Evening Mail managed to get in touch with Mrs Fallowdish, 39, and discovered that she had taken matters into her own hands and filled the potholes with a mixture of Porridge Oats and No More Nails.
Posted on | April 2, 2015 | No Comments
In a shock green move, Barrow Council along with South Lakeland District Council has announced a radical approach to energy creation. In a secret meeting which lasted well into the early hours, the peoples representatives decided that as a unilateral move they would increase their green energy by at least 43%.
Many methods to achieve this were discussed but eventually they arrived at the decision which pleased the power mongers and also determined that they would remain in position regardless of an election.
Any first born child will be requested to attend an attendance course at what is being called the ‘New Police Station’. The building, which is nearly complete and will be opened within months, has been discovered by the Barrow Evening Mail to be, in fact, a Power Station. Underneath the public façade is a large maze of tunnels, each leading to several halls housing multiple ‘Hamster Wheels’. These wheels will be the generating power by the use of human endeavour.
It was decided that paying the unemployed, which would fall to the Council/Tax Payer would be overly expensive, therefore every family would compulsorily donate their eldest child, if they are below the age of sixteen. When a child reaches their sixteenth birthday they would be allowed out of the complex, after realignment, and the next oldest child would replace them.
One Councillor, who wished to remain nameless, stated that while the idea “wasn’t the best use of its constituents, it really did come down to simple economics and nobody really had a cause for complaint because we do such an amazing job, and the scum will never get any better”.
The power generated from the power generating Power Generator will be able to provide every household twenty two hours of energy daily. The remaining two hours would be determined by the household and would be set by an interactive service utilising the internet to suit the life of the family.
There will be no recourse for complaint the anonymous Councillor said “If the electorate wanted a sustainable planet in the future, then they must expect a small amount of pain but they will get used to providing family members. Eventually they will be trying to force them on us because they WILL realise that we are right.”
The Barrow Evening Mail would like your thoughts about this movement into the future; if you agree, disagree or have better ideas please leave a message below or complain in person to the Town Hall (although we wouldn’t recommend that course of action as the consequences might be lifelong).
Posted on | March 26, 2015 | 1 Comment
It has been revealed that the Town Hall does not exist and has not been there since 1973 when it was sold to an anonymous American business man. Anybody who has visited the building since then has been a victim of deceit and they should wipe the memory out of their memory before they start to believe it. Anybody still believing it will be removed from their family and placed in the reality suite in the Hidden Torture Hotel.
The Council, in its unflinching manner has created a separate crime for Family Town Hall Deniers where if a member of a family does not report a Still Believer then they will be made to pick two family members for a three year holiday in the Hidden Torture Hotel. The holiday will not feature flapjacks or custard.
A Council spokesperson stood on the non existent steps of the non existent Town Hall and admitted that all letters sent by the Council since 1973 had been coated in LSD. The LSD was designed to be absorbed by the micro sweat particles on the finger of the letter recipient and those touched by the letter recipient as they opened the letter they received. The Council has agreed that the truth should have been released previous to this but they wanted to keep it quiet.
The land that once held the Town Hall will slowly reveal itself as the LSD wears off. It is believed that some people might see an empty space and others may see nothing at all, this will be dependant on your own point of view. The Council will discover what is there by community consent by sending out postal ballots. The vote will take place in the following days after the following days.
The Council spokesperson finished on a positive note. If anybody wants to visit the old Town Hall they can simply astral project to Bucket, Nevada, US of A!
CD Smythtonkeep looking »