Barrow Evening Mail

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Shocking Truth: Council Comes Clean

Posted on | March 26, 2015 | 1 Comment

The Town Hall LSD

The Town Hall LSD

It has been revealed that the Town Hall does not exist and has not been there since 1973 when it was sold to an anonymous American business man. Anybody who has visited the building since then has been a victim of deceit and they should wipe the memory out of their memory before they start to believe it. Anybody still believing it will be removed from their family and placed in the reality suite in the Hidden Torture Hotel.

The Council, in its unflinching manner has created a separate crime for Family Town Hall Deniers where if a member of a family does not report a Still Believer then they will be made to pick two family members for a three year holiday in the Hidden Torture Hotel. The holiday will not feature flapjacks or custard.

A Council spokesperson stood on the non existent steps of the non existent Town Hall and admitted that all letters sent by the Council since 1973 had been coated in LSD. The LSD was designed to be absorbed by the micro sweat particles on the finger of the letter recipient and those touched by the letter recipient as they opened the letter they received. The Council has agreed that the truth should have been released previous to this but they wanted to keep it quiet.

The land that once held the Town Hall will slowly reveal itself as the LSD wears off. It is believed that some people might see an empty space and others may see nothing at all, this will be dependant on your own point of view. The Council will discover what is there by community consent by sending out postal ballots. The vote will take place in the following days after the following days.

The Council spokesperson finished on a positive note. If anybody wants to visit the old Town Hall they can simply astral project to Bucket, Nevada, US of A!

CD Smythton

Man Eats Himself After Bizarre Incident

Posted on | March 20, 2015 | No Comments

Eyeball Forked

Eyeball Forked

A Millom man, Andre the Mole, as he is known around his home town of Millom, 39, decided to eat himself from the feet up after a dream. The vision began with an ethereal glow emanating from a previous weeks discarded Corn Flakes bowl and then rose, pausing only slightly to take a look at the Athena Tennis Girl poster, it then hovered ethereally above the bed of Andre. He said “I‘m not sure if it was a dream or some sort of apparition, but it looked so much like an ethereal glow that I thought “My god, that’s an ethereal glow” and whether that was in a dream or an apparition based in a semi conscious state of semi-consciousness, I’m not sure,”

“The Ethereal Glow told me that I must begin to eat myself from the feet up, leaving one arm and head to the last.” Andre appeared genuine in his belief that the events had actually happened and to prove it he took a pair of garden shears and removed one of his toes. The Barrow Evening Mail reporter was shocked, but remained calm before asking him if he was put off by eating his own flesh. “I’ve thought about it for a couple of days now, and no, I decided to poach certain elements, like my toes, fingers etc. in a nice red wine and garlic jus. I just feel that I’m being called for something greater.”

As the blood pool began to grow from the wound, Andre picked up his toe and popped it into his mouth holding it between his teeth like a baby’s dummy. “I could always eat it raw.”

Asked whether or not it could have been a dream or that it was really the actions of a sane man; Andre explained, “If it was a dream, then it was very real. What can I do? I feel compelled to do it. I’ll carry on removing body parts until I get to my knee and then reassess the situation, and the taste.”

Our Reporter left Andre contemplating his jus. Andre promised to get back in touch when he was at his knee, although after the copious amounts of sick down the front of the Reporters shirt, we are not sure if this story will be followed up. However, keep an eye open for Andre on the streets of Millom, you might just see him hobble past.

Colin Boohana

Bourbon In Pensioner Disappearance Mystery

Posted on | January 15, 2015 | No Comments

Air Horn & Bourbon

Air Horn & Bourbon

In a dramatic rescue overnight, Mr Stan Hillbourne, 71, from Queen Street, Dalton was rescued dramatically. The ex BAE worker suffered no injuries but was taken from his home in the middle of the night and driven to Furness General Hospital where he has had close observations in fear of a bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Doctors and Paramedics were put on high alert as the pensioner was ambulanced in with lights flashing and sirens screaming; the Doctors did try and ask Mr Hillbourne, 52 to put down the torch and stop discharging the Air Horn, but this was unsuccessful as he couldn’t hear due to the noise he was making.

The pensioner had called 111, the NHS non emergency hotline, after allowing a biscuit to be left in hot tea for too long and it breaking off, sinking to the bottom of the mug. Stan, 42, said “I tried to explain the situation and I’m sure the girl didn’t understand my accent. She was, of course, a foreigner, somewhere like Millom or Workington, but the next thing I know there was an ambulance outside and two paramedics carrying a spinal injury board. I felt like a right idiot. I grabbed my torch and air horn and thought I had better go with them.”

The Barrow Evening Mail were contacted by Stan’s son, Phillip, 98, who thought the whole situation was ludicrous as there was nothing wrong with Stan, apart from the temporary partial deafness and his craving for a non biscuit soiled cup of tea. We questioned the Doctor involved, “Our patient seems to be in a state of Delusional Brain Attack Syndrome as he is fixating on a Bourbon Cream which, of course, due to Health cut backs we don’t even have. We only get Rich Tea now. It is not like the old days when all Doctors would be served afternoon tea with Scones and Jam by a buxom Nurse in a tight uniform. Now that was the day; a real health service. Strawberry jam, clotted cream and a glimpse of black bra strap.” With this the Doctor departed.

At the time of publication Phillip Hillbourne was still waiting for his father, Stan, 14, to be released. The hospital said that “he is somewhere in building but we are not quite sure. Have you tried the WVS cafe or any of the drinks dispensers?”

The Barrow Evening Mail will return to this story as soon as Stan is found and reunited with his now stale pack of Bourbons.

Too Many Immigrants Claim Indigenous Locals

Posted on | January 12, 2015 | 1 Comment

A protest has been organised that will bring Dalton Road to a standstill. The group behind the mass rally have announced themselves as being named Barrow First. They told our reporter that the “Immigrants were taking over the place. They demand houses to live in and hospitals to treat them and they spread out taking more of our natural resources. And then they have the cheek to tell us to go back from where we came from.” Although they wouldn’t tell us their names, the would be spokesman did pass the Reporter a business card of the Leader.

Calling the mobile number on the card a rough sounding Lady answered and hastily arranged a meeting on the top of the multistory Car Park, “You will know who it is by the group of Henchmen that surrounds our Leader.” she told us. So, parking on the top level we got out of the car to be greeted not by a bunch of white, working class thugs, but a contingent from the local Gull population. “We are Barrow First. We demand our rights and our town back.” was the first thing that spewed forth from the Leaders beak. Not withstanding the fact that we were confronted with a talking gull, his mannerism was gruff and his words non compromising. “We were here first. Our people demand a return to the good old days when the bird population were of good northern stock and our women folk were treated with respect.” He carried on, “You lot came here putting up your buildings and tarmacking the land. First it was a few mud huts and we decided to live in unison with the human kind, but now, you are demanding culls and voting on forcet feeding us birth control. Its wrong. And now we are standing up to you. We demand our space.”

The largest of the gathered contingent then handed us a Manifesto and a Battle Plan. The plan informed the reader that they must begin to:
1. Aim their guano (Bird Poo) at large groups of humans
2. Steal as many sandwiches as possible
3. Squawk as loud as you can, as early as you can
4. Commit Jihad by flying into moving cars, leaving as big as mess as birdly possible
5. Split as many bin bags as possible

The Leader then told us it was all out war beginning the first Saturday after Spring Watch finishes. We tried our best to put forward the human point of view, but this was ignored as it meant that they, at sometime, must do some independent research and not just take the word of an ill informed bigot. The Barrow Evening Mail will continue to cover the story and as ever will return to the subject when the subject needs returning too.

Reporter: Perry Winkle

Return of Barrovian Boris the Battling Badger

Posted on | January 7, 2015 | No Comments

Battling Badger

Boris gets released from local Police station

Barrow AFC have announced a statue of their pre war mascot has been commissioned by the management team. Fundraising has begun and the hope is that Barrow AFC can raise a total of £120,000 by Febuary 2015 to allow them to get a mould made. A further £347,000 will be needed by the end of June 2015 to cast the full sized bronze effigy.

If anyone out there remembers Barrovian Boris the Battling Badger they will have fond memories of watching the mascot pretend to beat up the opposition players. The riotous acts of Boris kept the crowds entertained before, during and after the game. It was reported that after one particular cup game, he performed for nearly thirty six hours. His silly walk and pretend trips had the locals and visiting fans rolling in the stands.

The 6ft Badger had been played by three separate locals; however Boris was very quickly retired after one notorious incident featuring Harrogate Town when, now deceased, Kevin Smythington (deceased), the last man to play Boris, waded in and did indeed beat up seven opposition team members. The Barrow Evening Mail reported at the time on The Annual WI Cake and Jam Contest, not having a reporter at the game.

A spokesman for Barrow AFC told the Barrow Evening Mail that he thought enough time had passed and that the town could now celebrate one of the most significant icons of the pre-war era. “Even if you didn’t watch Barrow at the time, you would have heard of Boris. He was a well known character. When he wasn’t in prison, he was a lovely guy. Shame about his nose.”

Collections will be held at the games and an extra ten pence will be added to the programme cost. Organisers are being found to organise the charitable organisation. If you are interested in helping, donating or putting your name down for the sponsored Potato Licking, please congregate on Duke Street between 8am and 7pm.

Reporter: Tyler Pebbled

After Barrows Black Friday Here Comes Turquoise Tuesday

Posted on | December 15, 2014 | No Comments

Rocket Launched From Egerton Court

Rocket Launched From Egerton Court

After Barrow Town Centre fell into the trap of hosting its own Black Friday event and receiving criticism from thousands of voters, a local Councillor has explained “We encouraged shops to get into the spirit of the Black Friday Selling Frenzy as a method of expanding the cultural experience of our residents.” The Council thought that it would be a good idea as the town already hosts a European Market and they believed that this way they could welcome the American friends.

However criticism has arisen over the amount of bodies that had to be cleaned off the streets and the resulting queue at Furness General Hospital, which still hasn’t receded. “Black Friday was a waste of time”, said Steve Wounder, 36 from Barrow Island, “I didn’t get a single thing off my Christmas List. Nothing was discounted. However I did manage to punch three pensioners and a small boy. That was fun.”

The Council are forging forward with a new selling event: Turquoise Tuesday. The idea grew from a flippant throw away comment made by a Council Employee. Turquoise is to represent the rest of the Universe. The councillor said, “We have commissioned a local company to begin building a fleet of rockets to be launched from the rooftop of Egerton Court. Each rocket will be launched with a slight delay so that they all arrive at the same time.” He continued, “We are inviting shop keepers from Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. Hopefully they will be able to attend the new market which has been pencilled in for the 21st November 2015.” Although not on the record as such, he also added, “That’ll be one in the eye for Ulverston, bloody Festival Town”

After a Freedom of Information request made, it was revealed that to achieve the send out of invites it would only cost each tax payer a mere £1,400,897 on the next Council Tax bill. When confronted by the Barrow Evening Mail on the revelation of costs the Mayor told us, “I enjoyed Lee Evans.”

As the voice of the people the Barrow Evening Mail will continue looking into this topic and report further movements as they appear.

The Mayor has just eaten a Greggs Cheese and Steak Roll.

Elephants Everywhere In Dalton

Posted on | December 7, 2014 | 1 Comment

Grainy image of Elephant captured by Old Police Station

Several Dalton residents have reported seeing several full grown elephants in the town centre. Mrs. Plooder, 47, said she was walking down Market St yesterday, when she first noticed something move out of the corner of her eye. “I saw an odd shadow poking out from behind a lamppost, first I thought it was an Elephant, but that couldn’t have been right. I continued down the street and then quickly whipped around to see if the shape was still there, and yes, there was an Elephant peeking out from the lamppost.”

Mrs Plooder, 56, called the Police who thought it was just a prank phone call by a drunk. However several minutes later they received a second and then a third. The Police landed on the scene in their usual timely manner, but failed to find the beast. As they were searching a report then came in stating two more had been spotted hiding in a tree on the square outside of the castle. However these had dismounted from the tree, by sitting on a leaf and waiting until Autumn, and disappeared towards Clarence House.

By the end of the day, there had been seventeen sightings. The Barrow Evening Mail approached Dalton Zoo and asked if they had any elephants missing, they told us “We don’t have any elephants here, which is ironic due to the fact that the signs that point this way all feature the large mammal.”

Since the final sighting last night there has been no other sighting since. Police believe that the situation has three possible explanations which are possible to explain the situation. Their most plausible seems to rely on kids, as it usually is kids messing about. Or their least likely, a troop of African Elephants had got lost on their way to the local watering hole but got lost, ending up in Dalton and becoming so nervous that they took to hiding.

The Barrow Evening Mail are going to continue looking into this story and we will report back some time in the future, if we can be bothered.

Broughton Burglar Baffles Bobbies

Posted on | December 6, 2014 | No Comments

A spate of burglaries has hit Broughton shocking the locals. Three houses have been targeted in a bizarre manner the Police describe as “unusual.” The houses were all entered between the hours of twelve and five in the morning whilst the home owners slept.

Each house had been entered using the same method, a circular hole created in the exact centre of the front door. Although no obvious damage was discovered each home owner was adamant that they had never installed a stained glass window and it had just appeared.

The Police then searched the houses. Three of the four living rooms had been completely restyled; sofas, wallpaper, cushions and carpets had been exchanged and replaced with brand new. The owner of the first, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated “Its really nice, really tasteful, I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s as if they know us. The only creepy thing is the watercolour on the wall. I don’t know how long it took them but it is a perfect likeness of us sleeping. They must have been in the bedroom as the colours and set up are perfect, and the way they painted my husband sleeping is exact.”

The second and third house had each received the same treatment, but had been redecorated in a different style perfectly reflecting a separate time period.

Valuing the replaced furniture and taking into consideration the cost of the decorating consumables Police believe that each house must have cost in the region of three thousand two hundred pounds. The Police although having to investigate the breaking and entering crime, have declared that it is not a priority crime as there was no victim and no loss of property had been reported. An officer would be assigned to the case but not on a full time basis.

Salt Theft Puzzles People

Posted on | December 4, 2014 | No Comments

It has been revealed that the salt stock thought to be held by Barrow Council has been stolen sometime between April and the end of November. The discovery was made when the security guard clocked into work at 8am this morning.

“The whole lot had gone, totally disappeared. When I left it in April it was there, when I came back this morning, nothing. Nothing at all.” reported the Security Guard. It was confirmed by the Mayor that all the salt had indeed disappeared, she informed us that “It was there in April and when this guy came back today, it was gone.” She continued to say “We believe it’s the work of the notorious Furness gang The Condamentalists. We have informed the Police and they are not looking into it, because there’s nothing there.”

Taking up the challenge, the Barrow Evening Mail decided to investigate the situation. Having a brilliant track record at investigative journalism like we do, we thought we were the right people for the job. After initial discussions it was decided to begin at the scene of the crime. The investigation also finished there as there was no salt left and no trail.

Just before going to print the Police had a breakthrough, so here we are typping kwickly. It was discovered that Mrs. Hilary Putter, from 498 Anson Street, 87, had been sleep salt eating. They had tracked her down through medical records as she was one of only one person in the world who suffers from Saltapnea. Although she didn’t realise she was stealing the salt, she did wonder why her tea intake had gone up to fifteen gallons a day.

The Mayor told us that due to her age and medical condition they would not be pressing charges, and in the spirit of Christmas the Mayor wanted to wish all our readers “A very slippy Christmas and a Happy New Year.”

Post It Properly

Posted on | May 19, 2014 | No Comments

To celebrate ‘Post It Note Week and a Half’, Barrow Council are proposing to commission the largest Post It note ever manufactured. A feasibility study has been conducted and it is believed that with the help of a few local firms it will be able to produce a Note somewhere in the region of 9000sq/m. This is equivalent to at least four Mars Bars wrappers (of the modern size – and not the original size).

The Council approached both Kimberley Clarke and Little Tonys Tyre Emporium to help in the physical demands of such a monumental task. It was reported by Barrow Council Project Manager that both companies were open to the suggestion, but it would need to look further into the detailed feasibility study which would follow the feasibility study to see if the detailed feasibility study would not be a waste of money.

When asked what the council would do with such a huge Post It Note, they said they would invite every member of the community to draw something and then it would be displayed on the side of the multi storey car park. “We are having a feasibility Study drawn up now, which of course is running in conjunction with the other feasibility study, about how best to display the Post It Note, but I believe it will be hung from the side of the Multi Storey Car park if the feasibility study allows such a thing to be hung there”, said a Council Representative.

Pushing further, the Barrow Evening Mail asked how it would be destroyed in the unlikely event of it being displayed on the side of the Multi Storey Carpark. We were told to “Bugger off. If you can’t ask a question without raising a problem then we don’t want to talk to you. However can I say that I had a lovely Banana for my dinner”. We agreed and the Council representative responded with “What a lovely banana I had with my dinner”.

The Barrow Evening Mail will keep its eyes to the ground and its ears in the air in relation to this story and hopefully we will soon see the Worlds Largest Post It Note flying majestically from the Multi Storey Carpark.

Posted By: Handcrank Gloorteed

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