In a report on Climate Change, the University of Cambridge has declared that a new breed of Greenfly has been detected in a greenhouse near to the local Custard Factory. On the initial reading of the document it was stated that a one-off six-metre-long mutant Greenfly specimen had been breeding with Friesen Cows that had been in an adjacent field. The Greenfly, which was cornered and captured, had already mated before the capture.
Vet Richard Brownarm, 46, received the shock of his lifetime when he had been called by a local farmer, Mrs Cowkeep, 52, who had reported that one of his pregnant cows had got into difficulty. Mr Brownarm had turned up with the correct equipment, but the size of the ‘calf’ had taken him by surprise, and he had to go back to his office to get a medicinal glass of whiskey.
In an attempt to keep up with not only the Jones’s, but also with the yoof of today, Mr Grant Fundamental, 103, Lindal’s oldest resident (except for his father) climbed aboard a skateboard and attempted to beat the Worlds Skateboard Speed Record. The record stood at 91.17 mph and was set by Peter Connelly of the UK.
His interest had been peaked by his Great, Great Grandson, Ronaldo Ranoldo after watching him try to perform a ‘triple round donkey push’ off the kitchen windsill. Grant, 106, told us “I watched him again and again and again try to perform this seldom attempted trick, and to his credit, he finally achieved it after the 973rd attempt. The poor lad hadn’t eaten for three days”
It has emerged that a spate of bins being tipped over was not the result of a band of unwieldy millennials, and if we hadn’t have given it away in the title it would have been a surprise, but a band of Zombie Badgers.
The first appearance of the phenomenon was reported by a Mrs Kermit Jones, 34, who on insisting that she had seen a Badger get hit by a car, and after dragging the corpse to the side of the road, watched on in horror when the Badger got up and tried to eat her toes. It was only by chance that the pensioner was going swimming and therefore had been wearing her steel toe capped boots, that the Badger did not pierce her skin; he did somehow steal a sock. Mrs Jones was forcefully admitted into psychiatric care, but since released.
It was with great pomp and ceremony that local App Developer Carlton Greenhawk, 28, announced his latest App to hit the App Store of the largest App Retailer in the App market. The App is an App that allows people to organise their socks into a range of categories.
The celebratory event is to take place in the car park of the Lisdoonie Hotel and Carlton has hired in several entertainers to host the extravaganza. Top of the bill comes from Sweep (from the Sooty and Sweep Show) as the compere and Bono (from some Irish Band) to run the raffle. However, the highlight of the show is under wraps, as Carlton explained, “The highlight of the show is being kept under wraps.” Our Reporter did try and probe Carlton for information but was told to “get off and stop being so personal.” Taylors Funfair is also appearing along side world famous circus group Cirque De Soleil, who have promised to bring their record breaking Pork Pie Balancing Act.
Local Radio Enthusiast, Trebor Spargone, 56 has been asked to leave Barrows own CandoFM 106.3 as his Breakfast Show got very personal on Thursday morning. What started off as an innocent situation, finally became both a health hazard to the students of Furness College, but also an accident black spot for the drivers driving past Furness College.
At the start of his 6 – 9am slot, which usually consists of weather, traffic, local news and, of course, a liberal supply of the top tunes, Trebor let out a small, but highly tuneful pump. Thinking that no one would have heard it over the top of his own voice, he carried on regardless. However, within minutes the switchboard was full of people both complaining and celebrating. Thinking that it might make for a humorous addition to the show, he invited two of the callers to have a chat together live on air.
If it wasn’t that time of year, it would be another time of year, and if it wasn’t another time of year, it would be this time of year. With that said, we at the Barrow Evening Mail are moving forward into that time of year with a slightly raised level of Barrovian stupidity that has come about because it is ‘That time of year, again’.
When snow started falling across the county, Stuart O Commelly, 25, wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Stuart had recently moved back up from the south and was so excited that he ran out of his house and jumped into the first snow flurry of the season.
Barrow Police have reported that an Askam man has been found guilty for being in charge of a car whilst being seven times over the legal limit of marmalade.
The enactment of this little known law was only brought due to the erratic nature of the man’s driving. The arresting officer was sure that the driver had been consuming alcohol, but no reading showed on the breathalyser. After taking the sobriety tests of putting index finger on the end of the nose and flicking chips into the mouth of a fully formed adult Mallard, the officer decided to arrest the driver on suspicion of drink driving so a blood test could be taken.
There is nothing like a night out with friends, and last night was not one of them for Barrow lady, Michelle Stippond. In a fit of stupidity, Michelle, 24, gave chase to a fifty-pound note that was gently blowing down Abbey Road. Normally this would have been a good thing; finding a note that would pay for the whole of your night out. However, this one went drastically wrong.
Michelle, 36, in her slightly intoxicated state, fixated on the note as she made her way through Dalton, Askam and onto Kirby Moor. In what can only be described as near fiction, as it has yet been found, she then entered a cave opening and ‘disappeared ‘.
The management at BAE Barrow were today in celebratory mood when they received confirmation that the new Nuclear Submarines Humanitarian Delivery System had delivered its first batch of Jam Sandwich directly to the mouth of a Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 94.
Boat four of the Astute Class, Audacious, was launched from Barrow Docks earlier this year and will be shortly conducting full trials off the coast of Scotland. Initially built to deliver nuclear weapons, it was adapted for humanitarian use in its late stages as the government fought to get the new Successor Class through Parliament. In response to criticism from Labour and the Lib Dems, the Conservatives made an about face and deemed one in every four submarines to be fitted with a food delivery system.
It was revealed today that the areas GCSE results have resulted in a spike in GCSE results. The area has gained a six-hundred percent net gain in those students gaining five GCSEs or more. Although this figure might sound farfetched as the national figure shows a slight downturn in GCSEs, it is Barrow that is bucking the trend and setting a bar for all other areas to achieve.
The Barrow Evening Mail went to speak to one of the Principals of a local school, wishing to remain nameless, he said, “It’s all to do with the introduction of a new curriculum. Whereas most of the country has stuck with the standard subjects you might find on the curriculum, we here decided to introduce a range of courses that reflected the skills of the area we live in.”