Barrow Evening Mail

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After Barrows Black Friday Here Comes Turquoise Tuesday

Posted on | December 15, 2014 | No Comments

Rocket Launched From Egerton Court

Rocket Launched From Egerton Court

After Barrow Town Centre fell into the trap of hosting its own Black Friday event and receiving criticism from thousands of voters, a local Councillor has explained “We encouraged shops to get into the spirit of the Black Friday Selling Frenzy as a method of expanding the cultural experience of our residents.” The Council thought that it would be a good idea as the town already hosts a European Market and they believed that this way they could welcome the American friends.

However criticism has arisen over the amount of bodies that had to be cleaned off the streets and the resulting queue at Furness General Hospital, which still hasn’t receded. “Black Friday was a waste of time”, said Steve Wounder, 36 from Barrow Island, “I didn’t get a single thing off my Christmas List. Nothing was discounted. However I did manage to punch three pensioners and a small boy. That was fun.”

The Council are forging forward with a new selling event: Turquoise Tuesday. The idea grew from a flippant throw away comment made by a Council Employee. Turquoise is to represent the rest of the Universe. The councillor said, “We have commissioned a local company to begin building a fleet of rockets to be launched from the rooftop of Egerton Court. Each rocket will be launched with a slight delay so that they all arrive at the same time.” He continued, “We are inviting shop keepers from Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. Hopefully they will be able to attend the new market which has been pencilled in for the 21st November 2015.” Although not on the record as such, he also added, “That’ll be one in the eye for Ulverston, bloody Festival Town”

After a Freedom of Information request made, it was revealed that to achieve the send out of invites it would only cost each tax payer a mere £1,400,897 on the next Council Tax bill. When confronted by the Barrow Evening Mail on the revelation of costs the Mayor told us, “I enjoyed Lee Evans.”

As the voice of the people the Barrow Evening Mail will continue looking into this topic and report further movements as they appear.

STOP PRESS
The Mayor has just eaten a Greggs Cheese and Steak Roll.

Elephants Everywhere In Dalton

Posted on | December 7, 2014 | 1 Comment

Grainy image of Elephant captured by Old Police Station

Several Dalton residents have reported seeing several full grown elephants in the town centre. Mrs. Plooder, 47, said she was walking down Market St yesterday, when she first noticed something move out of the corner of her eye. “I saw an odd shadow poking out from behind a lamppost, first I thought it was an Elephant, but that couldn’t have been right. I continued down the street and then quickly whipped around to see if the shape was still there, and yes, there was an Elephant peeking out from the lamppost.”

Mrs Plooder, 56, called the Police who thought it was just a prank phone call by a drunk. However several minutes later they received a second and then a third. The Police landed on the scene in their usual timely manner, but failed to find the beast. As they were searching a report then came in stating two more had been spotted hiding in a tree on the square outside of the castle. However these had dismounted from the tree, by sitting on a leaf and waiting until Autumn, and disappeared towards Clarence House.

By the end of the day, there had been seventeen sightings. The Barrow Evening Mail approached Dalton Zoo and asked if they had any elephants missing, they told us “We don’t have any elephants here, which is ironic due to the fact that the signs that point this way all feature the large mammal.”

Since the final sighting last night there has been no other sighting since. Police believe that the situation has three possible explanations which are possible to explain the situation. Their most plausible seems to rely on kids, as it usually is kids messing about. Or their least likely, a troop of African Elephants had got lost on their way to the local watering hole but got lost, ending up in Dalton and becoming so nervous that they took to hiding.

The Barrow Evening Mail are going to continue looking into this story and we will report back some time in the future, if we can be bothered.

Broughton Burglar Baffles Bobbies

Posted on | December 6, 2014 | No Comments

A spate of burglaries has hit Broughton shocking the locals. Three houses have been targeted in a bizarre manner the Police describe as “unusual.” The houses were all entered between the hours of twelve and five in the morning whilst the home owners slept.

Each house had been entered using the same method, a circular hole created in the exact centre of the front door. Although no obvious damage was discovered each home owner was adamant that they had never installed a stained glass window and it had just appeared.

The Police then searched the houses. Three of the four living rooms had been completely restyled; sofas, wallpaper, cushions and carpets had been exchanged and replaced with brand new. The owner of the first, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated “Its really nice, really tasteful, I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s as if they know us. The only creepy thing is the watercolour on the wall. I don’t know how long it took them but it is a perfect likeness of us sleeping. They must have been in the bedroom as the colours and set up are perfect, and the way they painted my husband sleeping is exact.”

The second and third house had each received the same treatment, but had been redecorated in a different style perfectly reflecting a separate time period.

Valuing the replaced furniture and taking into consideration the cost of the decorating consumables Police believe that each house must have cost in the region of three thousand two hundred pounds. The Police although having to investigate the breaking and entering crime, have declared that it is not a priority crime as there was no victim and no loss of property had been reported. An officer would be assigned to the case but not on a full time basis.

Salt Theft Puzzles People

Posted on | December 4, 2014 | No Comments

It has been revealed that the salt stock thought to be held by Barrow Council has been stolen sometime between April and the end of November. The discovery was made when the security guard clocked into work at 8am this morning.

“The whole lot had gone, totally disappeared. When I left it in April it was there, when I came back this morning, nothing. Nothing at all.” reported the Security Guard. It was confirmed by the Mayor that all the salt had indeed disappeared, she informed us that “It was there in April and when this guy came back today, it was gone.” She continued to say “We believe it’s the work of the notorious Furness gang The Condamentalists. We have informed the Police and they are not looking into it, because there’s nothing there.”

Taking up the challenge, the Barrow Evening Mail decided to investigate the situation. Having a brilliant track record at investigative journalism like we do, we thought we were the right people for the job. After initial discussions it was decided to begin at the scene of the crime. The investigation also finished there as there was no salt left and no trail.

Just before going to print the Police had a breakthrough, so here we are typping kwickly. It was discovered that Mrs. Hilary Putter, from 498 Anson Street, 87, had been sleep salt eating. They had tracked her down through medical records as she was one of only one person in the world who suffers from Saltapnea. Although she didn’t realise she was stealing the salt, she did wonder why her tea intake had gone up to fifteen gallons a day.

The Mayor told us that due to her age and medical condition they would not be pressing charges, and in the spirit of Christmas the Mayor wanted to wish all our readers “A very slippy Christmas and a Happy New Year.”

Post It Properly

Posted on | May 19, 2014 | No Comments

To celebrate ‘Post It Note Week and a Half’, Barrow Council are proposing to commission the largest Post It note ever manufactured. A feasibility study has been conducted and it is believed that with the help of a few local firms it will be able to produce a Note somewhere in the region of 9000sq/m. This is equivalent to at least four Mars Bars wrappers (of the modern size – and not the original size).

The Council approached both Kimberley Clarke and Little Tonys Tyre Emporium to help in the physical demands of such a monumental task. It was reported by Barrow Council Project Manager that both companies were open to the suggestion, but it would need to look further into the detailed feasibility study which would follow the feasibility study to see if the detailed feasibility study would not be a waste of money.

When asked what the council would do with such a huge Post It Note, they said they would invite every member of the community to draw something and then it would be displayed on the side of the multi storey car park. “We are having a feasibility Study drawn up now, which of course is running in conjunction with the other feasibility study, about how best to display the Post It Note, but I believe it will be hung from the side of the Multi Storey Car park if the feasibility study allows such a thing to be hung there”, said a Council Representative.

Pushing further, the Barrow Evening Mail asked how it would be destroyed in the unlikely event of it being displayed on the side of the Multi Storey Carpark. We were told to “Bugger off. If you can’t ask a question without raising a problem then we don’t want to talk to you. However can I say that I had a lovely Banana for my dinner”. We agreed and the Council representative responded with “What a lovely banana I had with my dinner”.

The Barrow Evening Mail will keep its eyes to the ground and its ears in the air in relation to this story and hopefully we will soon see the Worlds Largest Post It Note flying majestically from the Multi Storey Carpark.

Posted By: Handcrank Gloorteed

Branjolina Bothers Barrow

Posted on | April 2, 2014 | No Comments

Excitement rose today in Barrow Town Centre when it was announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would be a possible to open another new Tattoo shop. The owners, Grant Banana, 28 and Ivan Frog, 91, said they had been in touch with the celebrity couple and they were waiting for a reply.

The Barrow Evening Mail heard of the revelation when a hoard of screaming girls arrived outside the Office door demanding more information. As this was the first we had heard of it we went in search of the duo Grant, 98, and Ivan, 19, to find the truth behind such an A list acquisition. We found them in Diggles enjoying a pie and a cappuccino.

Grant, 89, said “We’ve just put the feelers out on this one. We met them on a holiday in Las Vegas and we had a meal together, I found them to be very polite and very likeable.” Pushing them on the finer details of their meeting, Ivan, 18, waited for Grant to order more drinks before divulging that they had in fact “Bumped into Brad and Angelina as they were turning a corner in their hotel and accidentally stepped on Brad.” and on a second occasion “Waved at them across a Car Park of a Pizza Parlour”.

On returning with a Frothy Skinny Latte and Chocolate Sprinkles and three Americanii, Grant, 19, dragged out of his back pocket a copy of the post he had placed on their Facebook page, in the normal Barrow style, it read “im having a shop opening parti an wud luv u 2 cum and do the honur. Please let me no.”

We finished our coffees and left them with a newly arrived tuna and mayo panino. As always we will keep our ears to the ground, just in case Brad is walking past the office.

Terror Related Threat In Our Streets

Posted on | March 31, 2014 | No Comments

Anger was boiling in the Town Hall today when a motion was carried to outlaw the extreme fundamentalist group Tears In Tarmac (TIT) from operating within the Furness Peninsula. Their outrageous tactics have been putting lives at risk. They are objecting to the upgrading of local roads due to their belief that every square foot of tarmac created helps the US Government promote the use of Drones through out the hotspots of the world.

Mrs Shumberg, 72, of Dark Closet Road, told the Barrow Evening Mail, that the Pentagon had been buying shares in Tarmac Plants as the perfect cover for their involvement in the open markets. She reported that many companies were under full control of the Americans and that because the shares were bought under several proxy buyers, they thought the deceit would never come to life. But late one night, when Mrs Shumberg, 72, was trying to order another Orange Blossom Lipstick through the Avon website, she had accidently found herself in the main frame server of the NSA. She found a document showing that the share options of all the Worlds Tarmac Manufacturers were in the name of A Merica or Erica Am. With a little more digging she exposed the profits gained from the shares were being dumped into new software companies who supplied Top Secret Programs to the US Forces.

In a bid to highlight this, Mrs Shumberg, 68, had started to fill all the potholes in the Furness area with Custard that had been microwaved for far too long. This she had done in the hope that Barrow Council would not need to fill them and therefore cease in buying the terror related Tarmac. When this had failed to curtail the problem, she felt direct action was the only avenue open. She gathered several friends around her, formed TIT and proceeded to finance a large scale disruptive response through the medium of a Bake Sale. She said she had so far raised £17.43 towards her cause. A Whistle Blower from within TIT whistle blowed.

The Council said they had no other option than to try and outlaw Tit, and continue with their pot hole filling agenda. Mrs Shumberg, 62, was requested to leave the Private Meeting, which she did. On her way home she bought half chips and 3 portions of mushy peas and went home for a fart. This paper, will continue to search for the truth.

Smarties Not So Smartie

Posted on | September 15, 2013 | No Comments

A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’.

The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op.
“Yeb, I’mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. Itbs boss”.

We asked him to remove the smarties and try explaining it again so we could understand him. “I’ve been doing it for over a month. I can get seventeen up my nose, but that’s nowt really, my mate can get thirty three. I’m in training.
“You get a rush as you push the smarties up your nostril, because each one adds more chocolate smell and that starts to get you off your head. It’s the intensity of it, man.
“Then when the chocolate starts melting it runs down the back of the nose and into the throat. But that’s not it. When it gets so far and so thick it blocks your airways and you start to suffocate. Then you get a real buzz and if you’ve done enough smarties then you pass out for a few seconds… It’s boss”.

Doctors at Furness Hospital said “Ibs quib gud fund”. We asked the doctor to remove the smarties from his nose. “It’s quite good fun, really, but I would suggest you keep the amount down to a minimum. One or two every couple of days wouldn’t have any adverse effect on your health, although please don’t quote me on it as really I haven’t a clue and just trying to jump on the band wagon” he said as we quoted directly.

Notices have been sent out to all children through their schools. The Barrow Evening Mail think that the practice should be looked at by the Government. The Editor has been so incensed by these ridiculous practices that he has publicly stated “Diz is outragus and stub be stobbed”.

Revolting Ducks In Park War

Posted on | May 7, 2012 | No Comments

People frequenting Barrow Park may not have noticed the Ducks congregating in small packs around the Lake, but it has now been confirmed, by a mole, that there are factions at work. Each pack is out for full dominance of the Lake.

Although scarcely believable, we sent a reporter to the area to see if they could shed some light on the rumours.  At first they were greeted with a wall of silence, but with verbal skill and cunning (and a loaf of bread) they managed to make contact with the Leaders of the factions.

In a midnight operation, nicknamed ‘Operation Midnight Operation’ the leaders and their closest of Generals were transported to the Barrow Evening Mail Offices. Over a table of Jelly and Custard Creams the discussions went deep into the night.

The problem came to the fore very quickly once every duck was around the table. The Islanders were complaining that The Edgers were using the same calling pitch as them, and now that it had turned to mating season, their females were getting confused and seeking comfort elsewhere. The Islanders felt that if the Laws of Olde were not abided by then civil war could not be ruled out.

The Law of Olde stated “Those that dwell on the Island are now and forever bound to the key of D. All calls must follow D with no exception. Those that dwell on the Edge are now and forever bound to the key of F. All calls must follow F with no exception”. However it also contained a line “All Ducks finding an empty Pot Noodle carton, must place this Holiest of Items at the foot of the Old Log.”

It was agreed that each group return to their allotted key, but the question of the stray ladies was another matter.  Although The Edgers were reluctant to give any up, it was finally agreed that they needed to get something out of the deal, and so would implement a series of open border repatriation for any Duck who wanted it.

The Ducks shook wings and with great joy celebrated the efforts of the Barrow Evening Mail and expressed dismay as to the Councils lack of involvement and understanding of the situation.

Security Cats To Be Introduced Into Furness

Posted on | October 25, 2011 | 1 Comment

Police Chiefs have informed us that due to spending shortfalls in the previous years budget there will be a radical approach taken to cover the Furness area. Although extra officers are set to take up a local position, they believe that this will not be enough. It has been promised by the late autumn, that a new wave of crime fighters will be in place.

One hundred local cats have been signed up to be trained in the skills of surveillance and the deployment of arms. The cats are being taught to sniff out any person with criminal intent then follow them to the scene of a crime. When they arrive at the premises they will then radio in to the station where back up will be standing by. On receiving word another cat will be deployed carrying an AK47 Assault Rifle.

Police have vehemently denied that this is a stupid idea, quoting government research as their defence. The Barrow Evening Mail sent to Barbados for a copy of the report which indeed states that ‘after spending £6 million of public money we indeed believe that introducing Security Cats is a good idea.’ However the Barrow Evening Mail found no research and no accountancy procedures.

Approaching the local sheltered housing for cat’s establishment we were amazed to find that the owners also thought this was a good idea. ‘It is in our mind that cats do have an ability far greater than any other animal and therefore it goes to say that a cat with an AK47 would have the greatest understanding of when to use the weapon and when not’. It seemed that all the evidence points to cats being the ideal vehicle to keep the peace.

However the Barrow Evening Mail doesn’t give up that easy. We went back to the government research team involved and pressed them harder for a look at the real report and the finances. We are pleased to say that we did receive the full report, in a brown paper bag, handed over with the code words ‘smarties are the chocolate equivalent of green beans.’ On the spending report, we too agree that it is a good idea and that the questioning will go no further. We are behind the scheme one hundred and ten percent and will not be digging any further, definitely not… whatsoever.

 

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