If it wasn’t that time of year, it would be another time of year, and if it wasn’t another time of year, it would be this time of year. With that said, we at the Barrow Evening Mail are moving forward into that time of year with a slightly raised level of Barrovian stupidity that has come about because it is ‘That time of year, again’.
When snow started falling across the county, Stuart O Commelly, 25, wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Stuart had recently moved back up from the south and was so excited that he ran out of his house and jumped into the first snow flurry of the season.
Barrow Police have reported that an Askam man has been found guilty for being in charge of a car whilst being seven times over the legal limit of marmalade.
The enactment of this little known law was only brought due to the erratic nature of the man’s driving. The arresting officer was sure that the driver had been consuming alcohol, but no reading showed on the breathalyser. After taking the sobriety tests of putting index finger on the end of the nose and flicking chips into the mouth of a fully formed adult Mallard, the officer decided to arrest the driver on suspicion of drink driving so a blood test could be taken.
The management at BAE Barrow were today in celebratory mood when they received confirmation that the new Nuclear Submarines Humanitarian Delivery System had delivered its first batch of Jam Sandwich directly to the mouth of a Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 94.
Boat four of the Astute Class, Audacious, was launched from Barrow Docks earlier this year and will be shortly conducting full trials off the coast of Scotland. Initially built to deliver nuclear weapons, it was adapted for humanitarian use in its late stages as the government fought to get the new Successor Class through Parliament. In response to criticism from Labour and the Lib Dems, the Conservatives made an about face and deemed one in every four submarines to be fitted with a food delivery system.
On the 14th November, Steve Goodwill, 23, of Grizebeck, will be attempting to break the world record for the longest slide on strawberry jam. The previous record is held by Humi Totti, 75, of Mexico City who managed to slide a total of 1.325 miles (2132 meters) on the 14th November 2003.
Steve, 34, will be attempting the slide from the top of Burlington Slate Quarry entrance past Grizebeck and on as far as possible. Although the route does incorporate an uphill section, Steve has calculated that the incline will be negligible as he will have hit his top speed of one hundred and thirty miles an hour by the time he reaches it.
Friday morning was a morning to forget for ASDA shopper, Albert Cluug, 44, as the butterfly effect became evident after having his food delivery delivered by ASDA. Albert first began to realise that he was in a widely understood physics theory when he crashed into a car that should theoretically not be present.
Albert, unmarried, had placed an order online and had suffered a couple of exchanges that at the time seemed innocent enough. He didn’t realise it but when he had his regular order of bacon exchanged for thin sliced gammon it would result in the accident. Albert explained “Every Tuesday morning I start the day with a bacon sandwich. I have done this for years. Toast on a Monday, bacon sandwich on a Tuesday, Cornflakes on a Wednesday”
It was with shock that Mrs Carly Comfort, 32, discovered a Dolphin on the Barrow side of Roanhead. She had ventured down with her dog, Porkpie, 6, to take in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Barrow summers day. When looking out from under her parasol, she spotted the Dolphin, Rueben, 12, sat on a deckchair perusing the latest edition of Heat magazine. At first she thought it must be a man in a costume, but as she approached, Rueben tipped his boater to her and asked how she was on such a grand morning.
Carly, 46, told the Barrow Evening Mail “I nearly turned and ran. It was only because Porkpie, 8, took an interest and I couldn’t call him away that I made the effort to talk. He was very nice as it turns out. Just as I would have expected from such a gently portrayed creature. He even offered me his last Jammie Dodger.” Carly was at pains to also state, “I called you guys because I thought it would make a good story for your amazingly brilliant newspaper.”
A leaked Wikileaks document from WikiLeaks has been leaked that shows UK Prime Minister Theresa May, 31, has extended the brief of the official invite to include a meal at the Brewers Fayre Restaurant on North Road. It is believed that she has been a regular traveller to the area, visiting under the nom de plume of Becky Brightblue, as she has developed a taste for their Beef and Doom Bar Pudding.
In the document released through a sub category on the main WikiLeaks site, it states ‘Due to the exceptional quality of the Pudding, it was deemed that the area should be included on the State Visit’ adding, ‘the Queen has also been told to attend as Trump and Prince Phillip will get on like a house of fire’. The meal will be a forerunner to the state banquet held in Buckingham Palace.
A riot was narrowly avoided today in Tesco today as a large and unexpected queue formed at the pre cooked chicken counter. Mrs Grubbun, 32, a Tesco spokesperson said that a queue had formed after approximately one hundred and twenty two people all turned up at the same time creating a large queue of approximately one hundred and twenty two.
As the oven can only cook twenty chickens in a single session, the wait had risen to three hours causing consternation at the rear, which was somewhere near the men’s cosmetics aisles. The wave of anger started to move forward as voices of dissent were raised from the rear. Steve Goateebeard, 64, a Barrow Resident and last in the queue told us, “It was starting to get personal. Staff were getting called some vicious names; one guy flashed a switch blade and another, I think he’s married to that girl who works in Pets At Home, brought out a semi automatic rifle. Bloody three hours. Just as we thought this is it, an attack was imminent, an announcement came over the tannoy.”
It has been made official, Barrow is the home of the Chav. Whether you wear sweat pants or not, YOU are one of the chaviest chavs in the whole of the country. Yes…You!
The survey, that was published last week, states that teenagers within the Barrow area are 76% more likely to check their testicles three times over a period of two minutes than that of any other town in the world. A survey respondent, 54, who lives in Dalton wrote, ‘I see them walking down the street with their hands down their sweat pants, fiddling away, all the time. If I stand in Dalton Rd and complete a 360 degree sweep I can see a least four people checking to see if their testes are still there; and that’s just the girls’.
The Festival of Feet, Barrows longest running Feet Festival was held last weekend at the first of its roaming locations. The first venue to be visited, whilst major renovations to its 80,000 seat stadium are ongoing, was the field just off Abbey Approach. Although not a patch on the facilities provided by their usual 65,000 seat stadium, the field, previously a home to Barrow Mascot, Duncan the Donkey, did manage to put on a show worthy of the Mayors attendance.
Events were well underway and the organisation was robust as the 46 rounds of the Children’s Egg and Spoon Race were completed, and only one person died in the record breaking Sack Race. However, when the entrants to the Ladies Tap Dancing entered the arena, there began a small rumble under the Judges podium. Mrs Shutter, 63, described the feeling, “It was like a small rumble under the Judges podium.”