Zombie Badgers Raid Barrow Bins

Zombie Badger
Zombie Badger

It has emerged that a spate of bins being tipped over was not the result of a band of unwieldy millennials, and if we hadn’t have given it away in the title it would have been a surprise, but a band of Zombie Badgers.

The first appearance of the phenomenon was reported by a Mrs Kermit Jones, 34, who on insisting that she had seen a Badger get hit by a car, and after dragging the corpse to the side of the road, watched on in horror when the Badger got up and tried to eat her toes. It was only by chance that the pensioner was going swimming and therefore had been wearing her steel toe capped boots, that the Badger did not pierce her skin; he did somehow steal a sock. Mrs Jones was forcefully admitted into psychiatric care, but since released.

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Local App Developer App-lauded

Sock Finder App
Sock Finder App

It was with great pomp and ceremony that local App Developer Carlton Greenhawk, 28, announced his latest App to hit the App Store of the largest App Retailer in the App market. The App is an App that allows people to organise their socks into a range of categories.

The celebratory event is to take place in the car park of the Lisdoonie Hotel and Carlton has hired in several entertainers to host the extravaganza. Top of the bill comes from Sweep (from the Sooty and Sweep Show) as the compere and Bono (from some Irish Band) to run the raffle. However, the highlight of the show is under wraps, as Carlton explained, “The highlight of the show is being kept under wraps.” Our Reporter did try and probe Carlton for information but was told to “get off and stop being so personal.” Taylors Funfair is also appearing along side world famous circus group Cirque De Soleil, who have promised to bring their record breaking Pork Pie Balancing Act.

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Radio Enthusiast Halts Barrow

Farting For Peace
Farting For Peace

Local Radio Enthusiast, Trebor Spargone, 56 has been asked to leave Barrows own CandoFM 106.3 as his Breakfast Show got very personal on Thursday morning. What started off as an innocent situation, finally became both a health hazard to the students of Furness College, but also an accident black spot for the drivers driving past Furness College.

At the start of his 6 – 9am slot, which usually consists of weather, traffic, local news and, of course, a liberal supply of the top tunes, Trebor let out a small, but highly tuneful pump. Thinking that no one would have heard it over the top of his own voice, he carried on regardless. However, within minutes the switchboard was full of people both complaining and celebrating. Thinking that it might make for a humorous addition to the show, he invited two of the callers to have a chat together live on air.

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That Time Of Year Again

Pinball Wizard
Pinball Wizard

If it wasn’t that time of year, it would be another time of year, and if it wasn’t another time of year, it would be this time of year. With that said, we at the Barrow Evening Mail are moving forward into that time of year with a slightly raised level of Barrovian stupidity that has come about because it is ‘That time of year, again’.

When snow started falling across the county, Stuart O Commelly, 25, wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Stuart had recently moved back up from the south and was so excited that he ran out of his house and jumped into the first snow flurry of the season.

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Woman’s Journey To The Unknown

T-Rex
T-Rex

There is nothing like a night out with friends, and last night was not one of them for Barrow lady, Michelle Stippond. In a fit of stupidity, Michelle, 24, gave chase to a fifty-pound note that was gently blowing down Abbey Road. Normally this would have been a good thing; finding a note that would pay for the whole of your night out. However, this one went drastically wrong.

Michelle, 36, in her slightly intoxicated state, fixated on the note as she made her way through Dalton, Askam and onto Kirby Moor. In what can only be described as near fiction, as it has yet been found, she then entered a cave opening and ‘disappeared ‘.

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Jam Sandwich Delivery System Tested

Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action
Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action

The management at BAE Barrow were today in celebratory mood when they received confirmation that the new Nuclear Submarines Humanitarian Delivery System had delivered its first batch of Jam Sandwich directly to the mouth of a Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 94.

Boat four of the Astute Class, Audacious, was launched from Barrow Docks earlier this year and will be shortly conducting full trials off the coast of Scotland. Initially built to deliver nuclear weapons, it was adapted for humanitarian use in its late stages as the government fought to get the new Successor Class through Parliament. In response to criticism from Labour and the Lib Dems, the Conservatives made an about face and deemed one in every four submarines to be fitted with a food delivery system.

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Barrow Tops Countries GCSE Results

GCSE Success
GCSE Success

It was revealed today that the areas GCSE results have resulted in a spike in GCSE results. The area has gained a six-hundred percent net gain in those students gaining five GCSEs or more. Although this figure might sound farfetched as the national figure shows a slight downturn in GCSEs, it is Barrow that is bucking the trend and setting a bar for all other areas to achieve.

The Barrow Evening Mail went to speak to one of the Principals of a local school, wishing to remain nameless, he said, “It’s all to do with the introduction of a new curriculum. Whereas most of the country has stuck with the standard subjects you might find on the curriculum, we here decided to introduce a range of courses that reflected the skills of the area we live in.”

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Pie Jelly Given Freedom of Town

Pork Pie Freedom
Pork Pie Freedom

It was with a surprise announcement by Barrow Council that the Furness Folk of Furness had a surprise when the Council announced that the Jelly from a Pork Pie was to be given the highest honour the town could give.

The Mayor said verbally, in a written statement, that because of the actions of the Pork Pie Jelly in saving the life of David Manson, 52, it should be rewarded with the Freedom of Barrow and the ability to drive sheep over the bridge between Barrow and Walney.

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Bloke Blames Bacon For Bash

Bacon Clock
Bacon Clock

Friday morning was a morning to forget for ASDA shopper, Albert Cluug, 44, as the butterfly effect became evident after having his food delivery delivered by ASDA. Albert first began to realise that he was in a widely understood physics theory when he crashed into a car that should theoretically  not be present.

Albert, unmarried, had placed an order online and had suffered a couple of exchanges that at the time seemed innocent enough. He didn’t realise it but when he had his regular order of bacon exchanged for thin sliced gammon it would result in the accident. Albert explained “Every Tuesday morning I start the day with a bacon sandwich. I have done this for years. Toast on a Monday, bacon sandwich on a Tuesday, Cornflakes on a Wednesday”

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Dolphin Found On Roanhead Beach

Rueben The Dolphin
Rueben The Dolphin

It was with shock that Mrs Carly Comfort, 32, discovered a Dolphin on the Barrow side of Roanhead. She had ventured down with her dog, Porkpie, 6, to take in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Barrow summers day. When looking out from under her parasol, she spotted the Dolphin, Rueben, 12, sat on a deckchair perusing the latest edition of Heat magazine. At first she thought it must be a man in a costume, but as she approached, Rueben tipped his boater to her and asked how she was on such a grand morning.

Carly, 46, told the Barrow Evening Mail “I nearly turned and ran. It was only because Porkpie, 8, took an interest and I couldn’t call him away that I made the effort to talk. He was very nice as it turns out. Just as I would have expected from such a gently portrayed creature. He even offered me his last Jammie Dodger.” Carly was at pains to also state, “I called you guys because I thought it would make a good story for your amazingly brilliant newspaper.”

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