Woman’s Journey To The Unknown

T-Rex
T-Rex

There is nothing like a night out with friends, and last night was not one of them for Barrow lady, Michelle Stippond. In a fit of stupidity, Michelle, 24, gave chase to a fifty-pound note that was gently blowing down Abbey Road. Normally this would have been a good thing; finding a note that would pay for the whole of your night out. However, this one went drastically wrong.

Michelle, 36, in her slightly intoxicated state, fixated on the note as she made her way through Dalton, Askam and onto Kirby Moor. In what can only be described as near fiction, as it has yet been found, she then entered a cave opening and ‘disappeared ‘.

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Jam Sandwich Delivery System Tested

Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action
Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action

The management at BAE Barrow were today in celebratory mood when they received confirmation that the new Nuclear Submarines Humanitarian Delivery System had delivered its first batch of Jam Sandwich directly to the mouth of a Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 94.

Boat four of the Astute Class, Audacious, was launched from Barrow Docks earlier this year and will be shortly conducting full trials off the coast of Scotland. Initially built to deliver nuclear weapons, it was adapted for humanitarian use in its late stages as the government fought to get the new Successor Class through Parliament. In response to criticism from Labour and the Lib Dems, the Conservatives made an about face and deemed one in every four submarines to be fitted with a food delivery system.

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Barrow Tops Countries GCSE Results

GCSE Success
GCSE Success

It was revealed today that the areas GCSE results have resulted in a spike in GCSE results. The area has gained a six-hundred percent net gain in those students gaining five GCSEs or more. Although this figure might sound farfetched as the national figure shows a slight downturn in GCSEs, it is Barrow that is bucking the trend and setting a bar for all other areas to achieve.

The Barrow Evening Mail went to speak to one of the Principals of a local school, wishing to remain nameless, he said, “It’s all to do with the introduction of a new curriculum. Whereas most of the country has stuck with the standard subjects you might find on the curriculum, we here decided to introduce a range of courses that reflected the skills of the area we live in.”

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Pie Jelly Given Freedom of Town

Pork Pie Freedom
Pork Pie Freedom

It was with a surprise announcement by Barrow Council that the Furness Folk of Furness had a surprise when the Council announced that the Jelly from a Pork Pie was to be given the highest honour the town could give.

The Mayor said verbally, in a written statement, that because of the actions of the Pork Pie Jelly in saving the life of David Manson, 52, it should be rewarded with the Freedom of Barrow and the ability to drive sheep over the bridge between Barrow and Walney.

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Bloke Blames Bacon For Bash

Bacon Clock
Bacon Clock

Friday morning was a morning to forget for ASDA shopper, Albert Cluug, 44, as the butterfly effect became evident after having his food delivery delivered by ASDA. Albert first began to realise that he was in a widely understood physics theory when he crashed into a car that should theoretically  not be present.

Albert, unmarried, had placed an order online and had suffered a couple of exchanges that at the time seemed innocent enough. He didn’t realise it but when he had his regular order of bacon exchanged for thin sliced gammon it would result in the accident. Albert explained “Every Tuesday morning I start the day with a bacon sandwich. I have done this for years. Toast on a Monday, bacon sandwich on a Tuesday, Cornflakes on a Wednesday”

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Dolphin Found On Roanhead Beach

Rueben The Dolphin
Rueben The Dolphin

It was with shock that Mrs Carly Comfort, 32, discovered a Dolphin on the Barrow side of Roanhead. She had ventured down with her dog, Porkpie, 6, to take in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Barrow summers day. When looking out from under her parasol, she spotted the Dolphin, Rueben, 12, sat on a deckchair perusing the latest edition of Heat magazine. At first she thought it must be a man in a costume, but as she approached, Rueben tipped his boater to her and asked how she was on such a grand morning.

Carly, 46, told the Barrow Evening Mail “I nearly turned and ran. It was only because Porkpie, 8, took an interest and I couldn’t call him away that I made the effort to talk. He was very nice as it turns out. Just as I would have expected from such a gently portrayed creature. He even offered me his last Jammie Dodger.” Carly was at pains to also state, “I called you guys because I thought it would make a good story for your amazingly brilliant newspaper.”

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Trump To Tour Town

Trump Fayre
Trump Outside Brewers Fayre

A leaked Wikileaks document from WikiLeaks has been leaked that shows UK Prime Minister Theresa May, 31, has extended the brief of the official invite to include a meal at the Brewers Fayre Restaurant on North Road. It is believed that she has been a regular traveller to the area, visiting under the nom de plume of Becky Brightblue, as she has developed a taste for their Beef and Doom Bar Pudding.

In the document released through a sub category on the main WikiLeaks site, it states ‘Due to the exceptional quality of the Pudding, it was deemed that the area should be included on the State Visit’ adding, ‘the Queen has also been told to attend as Trump and Prince Phillip will get on like a house of fire’. The meal will be a forerunner to the state banquet held in Buckingham Palace.

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Tesco Tantalises Chicken Shoppers

Mikado at Tesco
Mikado at Tesco

A riot was narrowly avoided today in Tesco today as a large and unexpected queue formed at the pre cooked chicken counter. Mrs Grubbun, 32, a Tesco spokesperson said that a queue had formed after approximately one hundred and twenty two people all turned up at the same time creating a large queue of approximately one hundred and twenty two.

As the oven can only cook twenty chickens in a single session, the wait had risen to three hours causing consternation at the rear, which was somewhere near the men’s cosmetics aisles. The wave of anger started to move forward as voices of dissent were raised from the rear. Steve Goateebeard, 64, a Barrow Resident and last in the queue told us, “It was starting to get personal. Staff were getting called some vicious names; one guy flashed a switch blade and another, I think he’s married to that girl who works in Pets At Home, brought out a semi automatic rifle. Bloody three hours. Just as we thought this is it, an attack was imminent, an announcement came over the tannoy.”

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Chavtastic Chav Chavs It Up

Chavtastic
Chavtastic

It has been made official, Barrow is the home of the Chav. Whether you wear sweat pants or not, YOU are one of the chaviest chavs in the whole of the country. Yes…You!

The survey, that was published last week, states that teenagers within the Barrow area are 76% more likely to check their testicles three times over a period of two minutes than that of any other town in the world. A survey respondent, 54, who lives in Dalton wrote, ‘I see them walking down the street with their hands down their sweat pants, fiddling away, all the time. If I stand in Dalton Rd and complete a 360 degree sweep I can see a least four people checking to see if their testes are still there; and that’s just the girls’.

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Tap Dancing Ladies Find Sinkhole

Dancing Sinkhole
Dancing Sinkhole

The Festival of Feet, Barrows longest running Feet Festival was held last weekend at the first of its roaming locations. The first venue to be visited, whilst major renovations to its 80,000 seat stadium are ongoing, was the field just off Abbey Approach. Although not a patch on the facilities provided by their usual 65,000 seat stadium, the field, previously a home to Barrow Mascot, Duncan the Donkey, did manage to put on a show worthy of the Mayors attendance.

Events were well underway and the organisation was robust as the 46 rounds of the Children’s Egg and Spoon Race were completed, and only one person died in the record breaking Sack Race. However, when the entrants to the Ladies Tap Dancing entered the arena, there began a small rumble under the Judges podium. Mrs Shutter, 63, described the feeling, “It was like a small rumble under the Judges podium.”

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