Mans Marmalade Motoring Madness

Marmalade
Marmalade

Barrow Police have reported that an Askam man has been found guilty for being in charge of a car whilst being seven times over the legal limit of marmalade.

The enactment of this little known law was only brought due to the erratic nature of the man’s driving. The arresting officer was sure that the driver had been consuming alcohol, but no reading showed on the breathalyser. After taking the sobriety tests of putting index finger on the end of the nose and flicking chips into the mouth of a fully formed adult Mallard, the officer decided to arrest the driver on suspicion of drink driving so a blood test could be taken.

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Woman’s Journey To The Unknown

T-Rex
T-Rex

There is nothing like a night out with friends, and last night was not one of them for Barrow lady, Michelle Stippond. In a fit of stupidity, Michelle, 24, gave chase to a fifty-pound note that was gently blowing down Abbey Road. Normally this would have been a good thing; finding a note that would pay for the whole of your night out. However, this one went drastically wrong.

Michelle, 36, in her slightly intoxicated state, fixated on the note as she made her way through Dalton, Askam and onto Kirby Moor. In what can only be described as near fiction, as it has yet been found, she then entered a cave opening and ‘disappeared ‘.

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Dolphin Found On Roanhead Beach

Rueben The Dolphin
Rueben The Dolphin

It was with shock that Mrs Carly Comfort, 32, discovered a Dolphin on the Barrow side of Roanhead. She had ventured down with her dog, Porkpie, 6, to take in the sights and sounds of a beautiful Barrow summers day. When looking out from under her parasol, she spotted the Dolphin, Rueben, 12, sat on a deckchair perusing the latest edition of Heat magazine. At first she thought it must be a man in a costume, but as she approached, Rueben tipped his boater to her and asked how she was on such a grand morning.

Carly, 46, told the Barrow Evening Mail “I nearly turned and ran. It was only because Porkpie, 8, took an interest and I couldn’t call him away that I made the effort to talk. He was very nice as it turns out. Just as I would have expected from such a gently portrayed creature. He even offered me his last Jammie Dodger.” Carly was at pains to also state, “I called you guys because I thought it would make a good story for your amazingly brilliant newspaper.”

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Jammie Situation Causes Problematic Problem

Jammie Dodger
Jammie Dodger

The National Retail Association of Great Britain contacted The Barrow Evening Mail this week to warn of a major worldwide shortage in the supply of Jammie Dodgers. It is claimed that the whole of the biscuit manufacturing sector will lose profits of up to ninety five percent as the ingredients become scarce.

The whole of the biscuit manufacturing body have launched an investigation into the situation after claims that a Barrow man is at the heart of the problem. They stated that he had inserted a decimal point into the wrong column on the order form from Burton’s Biscuit Company and that resulted in the main supplier cutting its production of ingredients. Burtons received only fifty gallons of jam instead of five hundred thousand gallons. Burtons say they are scouring the world and the known universe for further supplies, but that they are not willing to go where no man has been before.

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Saintly Secrets Secreted Silently

Jesus Marrow
Jesus Marrow

Our Reporter has been holidaying with a trip to the Vatican City, and after a few days of sitting around doing nothing much but picking at their feet, cleaning ears and nose and scratching their armpits, they decided they had had enough rest and began to look into a rumour that had been ‘doing the rounds’ in Askam. To their surprise they discovered that a local resident is on the list to become a Saint. The process involves the proving of miracles and the cataloguing of selfless acts that have taken place in their name. Although the Vatican has issued a warning of legal proceedings if we name the person in question, we can reveal that they are closely connected to the Parish Council.

In a document recovered by the reporter it states that one of the miracles in question is the creation of thirteen Marrows, all containing individual images of the disciples, plus Christ, at the table of the Last Supper. When placed around a cauliflower it is believed to make a full tableau depicting the religious event. The vegetables were presented at last year’s Harvest Festival celebrations, but the judges missed the significance, only saying, “They look a little on the small side.” The soon to be Saint took a picture of his vegetables and sent it directly to the Pope who endorsed the collection as definite proof that Jesus lived and preached in and around Askam and Ireleth.

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Askam Councils Controversial Construction

Hitler Enjoying Askam
Hitler Enjoying Askam

Askam Parish Council have issued an apology to the residents after documents were unearthed showing the true reason for the works taking place to the old ‘bus stop’. Official documents were submitted and displayed to the change of use, from bus shelter to public recreation ground. The council Chief had said at a full council meeting that the reclamation of the area would, “remove the eyesore that has dominated the vista from the Co-op and replace it with a luxurious view equal to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Taj Mahal or Christ the Redeemer statue above Rio De Janeiro”.

However, the Barrow Evening Mail has since put in a Freedom of Information request to the Planning Authorities that shows that they will indeed add another concrete planter, but the plans also include an exact replica of the wartime bunker belonging to Hitler. The grounds to the museum shall feature a fifteen foot statue of the Fuhrer, riding the back of a Valkyrie, whilst eating a Mabel’s meat and potato pie. The frontage will be based on the Reichstag Government building in Berlin which will lead downstairs to the control centre of the Nazi War Machine.

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Francophile Askamer. I Am A Frenchman

The French Supreme Court today issued a decree that the Parish of Askam and Ireleth actually belong to them and they have demanded the return of their land. Their claim lies on the fact that during the Napoleonic era, while the major battles were raging across Europe, an elite unit of Napoleons Army landed on the beach and claimed the land for the French.

We put a reporter onto the case to see if the claim could stand up in the European Courts; we sent him to sunny Brittany, or so he informed us. In the Abbey of Mont St Michelle there is a manuscript that shows the decree signed by Napoleon to despatch the men. It is also documented that the church had financed the boat and the wages of the men. The great scholar Demitris Thurclios believes that the Pope was annoyed that the Furness Monks had stretched their influence so wide, therefore undermining the Pontiff.

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Askam Accepts Award

The Barrow Evening Mail is proud to announce that the Village has won a national award.  ‘Crazy Golf Course Free Village Of The Year’.  The sponsors of the competition were pleased to hand over the trophy to the Parish Council Chairman at a star-studded concert.

The evening began with U2 taking to the Band Hall stage, with their brand new single, ‘Crazy Golf Courses Are The Bain Of Our Lives.’  Next up, the Whinfield Gardens Pogo Dance Formation Team dazzled the audience with acrobatics beyond their age, using a medley of classic Sex Pistols tracks.  After a brief performance from the DSS (Dalemount Station Singers), the trophy was brought out onto the stage.  The 10ft solid gold representation of Venus eating cheese brought a gasp of astonishment. The Chairman beamed throughout the handover.  Addressing the audience, Askam’s Glorious Leader said he was proud to accept the award on behalf of the workers and looks forward to melting it down and going to Bali on the proceeds.

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Turbine-Tastic For Furness

A shock announcement this week came from Cumbria County Council, when it declared that the new turbines, built off the Furness Peninsula, had a dual purpose: to create a green energy and boost the tourism potential of the local area.

Their proposal states that the power created by the nearest twenty turbines would be fed directly into a propeller at the base of each tower.  The propellers would then, in turn, advance the wave making process, therefore providing a natural haven for the amateur and professional surfer.

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