Skateboarding Grandad Attempts Speed Record

Skate Record
Skate Record

In an attempt to keep up with not only the Jones’s, but also with the yoof of today, Mr Grant Fundamental, 103, Lindal’s oldest resident (except for his father) climbed aboard a skateboard and attempted to beat the Worlds Skateboard Speed Record. The record stood at 91.17 mph and was set by Peter Connelly of the UK.

His interest had been peaked by his Great, Great Grandson, Ronaldo Ranoldo after watching him try to perform a ‘triple round donkey push’ off the kitchen windsill. Grant, 106, told us “I watched him again and again and again try to perform this seldom attempted trick, and to his credit, he finally achieved it after the 973rd attempt. The poor lad hadn’t eaten for three days”

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Woman’s Journey To The Unknown


There is nothing like a night out with friends, and last night was not one of them for Barrow lady, Michelle Stippond. In a fit of stupidity, Michelle, 24, gave chase to a fifty-pound note that was gently blowing down Abbey Road. Normally this would have been a good thing; finding a note that would pay for the whole of your night out. However, this one went drastically wrong.

Michelle, 36, in her slightly intoxicated state, fixated on the note as she made her way through Dalton, Askam and onto Kirby Moor. In what can only be described as near fiction, as it has yet been found, she then entered a cave opening and ‘disappeared ‘.

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Balloon Bombardment over Barrow

Express Delivery
Express Delivery

Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.

In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”

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Turbine-Tastic For Furness

A shock announcement this week came from Cumbria County Council, when it declared that the new turbines, built off the Furness Peninsula, had a dual purpose: to create a green energy and boost the tourism potential of the local area.

Their proposal states that the power created by the nearest twenty turbines would be fed directly into a propeller at the base of each tower.  The propellers would then, in turn, advance the wave making process, therefore providing a natural haven for the amateur and professional surfer.

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