Man Eats Himself After Bizarre Incident

Eyeball Forked
Eyeball Forked

A Millom man, Andre the Mole, as he is known around his home town of Millom, 39, decided to eat himself from the feet up after a dream. The vision began with an ethereal glow emanating from a previous weeks discarded Corn Flakes bowl and then rose, pausing only slightly to take a look at the Athena Tennis Girl poster, it then hovered ethereally above the bed of Andre. He said “I‘m not sure if it was a dream or some sort of apparition, but it looked so much like an ethereal glow that I thought “My god, that’s an ethereal glow” and whether that was in a dream or an apparition based in a semi conscious state of semi-consciousness, I’m not sure,”

“The Ethereal Glow told me that I must begin to eat myself from the feet up, leaving one arm and head to the last.” Andre appeared genuine in his belief that the events had actually happened and to prove it he took a pair of garden shears and removed one of his toes. The Barrow Evening Mail reporter was shocked, but remained calm before asking him if he was put off by eating his own flesh. “I’ve thought about it for a couple of days now, and no, I decided to poach certain elements, like my toes, fingers etc. in a nice red wine and garlic jus. I just feel that I’m being called for something greater.”

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Missing Mammal Mauls Millom Mum

On Thursday Evening a Millom Woman, who has requested to remain nameless, aged 35, was making her way to Barrow Train Station, when she entered Dalton Road and was confonted by a ‘… large, powerful, black haired animal.’

The Millom Woman said, ‘I’m a big fan of Sir David Attenborough, so I used his technique of staying calm and trying not to startle the beast. Slowly I put my hand in my pocket to retrieve my Monster Repellent Spray that I got from thingsyouwillneverusebutjustincase.com, when I remembered I had never actually ordered it, but got the Emergency Hip Hop Emulator. The Monster didn’t appreciate my 1080 degree head spin and just pounced.’

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