After Barrows Black Friday Here Comes Turquoise Tuesday

Rocket Launched From Egerton Court
Rocket Launched From Egerton Court

After Barrow Town Centre fell into the trap of hosting its own Black Friday event and receiving criticism from thousands of voters, a local Councillor has explained “We encouraged shops to get into the spirit of the Black Friday Selling Frenzy as a method of expanding the cultural experience of our residents.” The Council thought that it would be a good idea as the town already hosts a European Market and they believed that this way they could welcome the American friends.

However criticism has arisen over the amount of bodies that had to be cleaned off the streets and the resulting queue at Furness General Hospital, which still hasn’t receded. “Black Friday was a waste of time”, said Steve Wounder, 36 from Barrow Island, “I didn’t get a single thing off my Christmas List. Nothing was discounted. However I did manage to punch three pensioners and a small boy. That was fun.”

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Elephants Everywhere In Dalton

Grainy image of Elephant captured by Old Police Station

Several Dalton residents have reported seeing several full grown elephants in the town centre. Mrs. Plooder, 47, said she was walking down Market St yesterday, when she first noticed something move out of the corner of her eye. “I saw an odd shadow poking out from behind a lamppost, first I thought it was an Elephant, but that couldn’t have been right. I continued down the street and then quickly whipped around to see if the shape was still there, and yes, there was an Elephant peeking out from the lamppost.”

Mrs Plooder, 56, called the Police who thought it was just a prank phone call by a drunk. However several minutes later they received a second and then a third. The Police landed on the scene in their usual timely manner, but failed to find the beast. As they were searching a report then came in stating two more had been spotted hiding in a tree on the square outside of the castle. However these had dismounted from the tree, by sitting on a leaf and waiting until Autumn, and disappeared towards Clarence House.

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Broughton Burglar Baffles Bobbies

A spate of burglaries has hit Broughton shocking the locals. Three houses have been targeted in a bizarre manner the Police describe as “unusual.” The houses were all entered between the hours of twelve and five in the morning whilst the home owners slept.

Each house had been entered using the same method, a circular hole created in the exact centre of the front door. Although no obvious damage was discovered each home owner was adamant that they had never installed a stained glass window and it had just appeared.

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Salt Theft Puzzles People

It has been revealed that the salt stock thought to be held by Barrow Council has been stolen sometime between April and the end of November. The discovery was made when the security guard clocked into work at 8am this morning.

“The whole lot had gone, totally disappeared. When I left it in April it was there, when I came back this morning, nothing. Nothing at all.” reported the Security Guard. It was confirmed by the Mayor that all the salt had indeed disappeared, she informed us that “It was there in April and when this guy came back today, it was gone.” She continued to say “We believe it’s the work of the notorious Furness gang The Condamentalists. We have informed the Police and they are not looking into it, because there’s nothing there.”

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