Bourbon In Pensioner Disappearance Mystery

Air Horn & Bourbon
Air Horn & Bourbon

In a dramatic rescue overnight, Mr Stan Hillbourne, 71, from Queen Street, Dalton was rescued dramatically. The ex BAE worker suffered no injuries but was taken from his home in the middle of the night and driven to Furness General Hospital where he has had close observations in fear of a bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Doctors and Paramedics were put on high alert as the pensioner was ambulanced in with lights flashing and sirens screaming; the Doctors did try and ask Mr Hillbourne, 52 to put down the torch and stop discharging the Air Horn, but this was unsuccessful as he couldn’t hear due to the noise he was making.

The pensioner had called 111, the NHS non emergency hotline, after allowing a biscuit to be left in hot tea for too long and it breaking off, sinking to the bottom of the mug. Stan, 42, said “I tried to explain the situation and I’m sure the girl didn’t understand my accent. She was, of course, a foreigner, somewhere like Millom or Workington, but the next thing I know there was an ambulance outside and two paramedics carrying a spinal injury board. I felt like a right idiot. I grabbed my torch and air horn and thought I had better go with them.”

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Too Many Immigrants Claim Indigenous Locals

A protest has been organised that will bring Dalton Road to a standstill. The group behind the mass rally have announced themselves as being named Barrow First. They told our reporter that the “Immigrants were taking over the place. They demand houses to live in and hospitals to treat them and they spread out taking more of our natural resources. And then they have the cheek to tell us to go back from where we came from.” Although they wouldn’t tell us their names, the would be spokesman did pass the Reporter a business card of the Leader.

Calling the mobile number on the card a rough sounding Lady answered and hastily arranged a meeting on the top of the multistory Car Park, “You will know who it is by the group of Henchmen that surrounds our Leader.” she told us. So, parking on the top level we got out of the car to be greeted not by a bunch of white, working class thugs, but a contingent from the local Gull population. “We are Barrow First. We demand our rights and our town back.” was the first thing that spewed forth from the Leaders beak. Not withstanding the fact that we were confronted with a talking gull, his mannerism was gruff and his words non compromising. “We were here first. Our people demand a return to the good old days when the bird population were of good northern stock and our women folk were treated with respect.” He carried on, “You lot came here putting up your buildings and tarmacking the land. First it was a few mud huts and we decided to live in unison with the human kind, but now, you are demanding culls and voting on forcet feeding us birth control. Its wrong. And now we are standing up to you. We demand our space.”

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Return of Barrovian Boris the Battling Badger

Battling Badger
Boris gets released from local Police station

Barrow AFC have announced a statue of their pre war mascot has been commissioned by the management team. Fundraising has begun and the hope is that Barrow AFC can raise a total of £120,000 by Febuary 2015 to allow them to get a mould made. A further £347,000 will be needed by the end of June 2015 to cast the full sized bronze effigy.

If anyone out there remembers Barrovian Boris the Battling Badger they will have fond memories of watching the mascot pretend to beat up the opposition players. The riotous acts of Boris kept the crowds entertained before, during and after the game. It was reported that after one particular cup game, he performed for nearly thirty six hours. His silly walk and pretend trips had the locals and visiting fans rolling in the stands.

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