Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.
In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”
Askam Parish Council have issued an apology to the residents after documents were unearthed showing the true reason for the works taking place to the old ‘bus stop’. Official documents were submitted and displayed to the change of use, from bus shelter to public recreation ground. The council Chief had said at a full council meeting that the reclamation of the area would, “remove the eyesore that has dominated the vista from the Co-op and replace it with a luxurious view equal to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Taj Mahal or Christ the Redeemer statue above Rio De Janeiro”.
However, the Barrow Evening Mail has since put in a Freedom of Information request to the Planning Authorities that shows that they will indeed add another concrete planter, but the plans also include an exact replica of the wartime bunker belonging to Hitler. The grounds to the museum shall feature a fifteen foot statue of the Fuhrer, riding the back of a Valkyrie, whilst eating a Mabel’s meat and potato pie. The frontage will be based on the Reichstag Government building in Berlin which will lead downstairs to the control centre of the Nazi War Machine.