It has been revealed that the salt stock thought to be held by Barrow Council has been stolen sometime between April and the end of November. The discovery was made when the security guard clocked into work at 8am this morning.
“The whole lot had gone, totally disappeared. When I left it in April it was there, when I came back this morning, nothing. Nothing at all.” reported the Security Guard. It was confirmed by the Mayor that all the salt had indeed disappeared, she informed us that “It was there in April and when this guy came back today, it was gone.” She continued to say “We believe it’s the work of the notorious Furness gang The Condamentalists. We have informed the Police and they are not looking into it, because there’s nothing there.”
Taking up the challenge, the Barrow Evening Mail decided to investigate the situation. Having a brilliant track record at investigative journalism like we do, we thought we were the right people for the job. After initial discussions it was decided to begin at the scene of the crime. The investigation also finished there as there was no salt left and no trail.
Just before going to print the Police had a breakthrough, so here we are typping kwickly. It was discovered that Mrs. Hilary Putter, from 498 Anson Street, 87, had been sleep salt eating. They had tracked her down through medical records as she was one of only one person in the world who suffers from Saltapnea. Although she didn’t realise she was stealing the salt, she did wonder why her tea intake had gone up to fifteen gallons a day.
The Mayor told us that due to her age and medical condition they would not be pressing charges, and in the spirit of Christmas the Mayor wanted to wish all our readers “A very slippy Christmas and a Happy New Year.”