A protest has been organised that will bring Dalton Road to a standstill. The group behind the mass rally have announced themselves as being named Barrow First. They told our reporter that the “Immigrants were taking over the place. They demand houses to live in and hospitals to treat them and they spread out taking more of our natural resources. And then they have the cheek to tell us to go back from where we came from.” Although they wouldn’t tell us their names, the would be spokesman did pass the Reporter a business card of the Leader.
Calling the mobile number on the card a rough sounding Lady answered and hastily arranged a meeting on the top of the multistory Car Park, “You will know who it is by the group of Henchmen that surrounds our Leader.” she told us. So, parking on the top level we got out of the car to be greeted not by a bunch of white, working class thugs, but a contingent from the local Gull population. “We are Barrow First. We demand our rights and our town back.” was the first thing that spewed forth from the Leaders beak. Not withstanding the fact that we were confronted with a talking gull, his mannerism was gruff and his words non compromising. “We were here first. Our people demand a return to the good old days when the bird population were of good northern stock and our women folk were treated with respect.” He carried on, “You lot came here putting up your buildings and tarmacking the land. First it was a few mud huts and we decided to live in unison with the human kind, but now, you are demanding culls and voting on forcet feeding us birth control. Its wrong. And now we are standing up to you. We demand our space.”
The largest of the gathered contingent then handed us a Manifesto and a Battle Plan. The plan informed the reader that they must begin to:
1. Aim their guano (Bird Poo) at large groups of humans
2. Steal as many sandwiches as possible
3. Squawk as loud as you can, as early as you can
4. Commit Jihad by flying into moving cars, leaving as big as mess as birdly possible
5. Split as many bin bags as possible
The Leader then told us it was all out war beginning the first Saturday after Spring Watch finishes. We tried our best to put forward the human point of view, but this was ignored as it meant that they, at sometime, must do some independent research and not just take the word of an ill informed bigot. The Barrow Evening Mail will continue to cover the story and as ever will return to the subject when the subject needs returning too.
Reporter: Perry Winkle