Bourbon In Pensioner Disappearance Mystery

Air Horn & Bourbon
Air Horn & Bourbon

In a dramatic rescue overnight, Mr Stan Hillbourne, 71, from Queen Street, Dalton was rescued dramatically. The ex BAE worker suffered no injuries but was taken from his home in the middle of the night and driven to Furness General Hospital where he has had close observations in fear of a bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Doctors and Paramedics were put on high alert as the pensioner was ambulanced in with lights flashing and sirens screaming; the Doctors did try and ask Mr Hillbourne, 52 to put down the torch and stop discharging the Air Horn, but this was unsuccessful as he couldn’t hear due to the noise he was making.

The pensioner had called 111, the NHS non emergency hotline, after allowing a biscuit to be left in hot tea for too long and it breaking off, sinking to the bottom of the mug. Stan, 42, said “I tried to explain the situation and I’m sure the girl didn’t understand my accent. She was, of course, a foreigner, somewhere like Millom or Workington, but the next thing I know there was an ambulance outside and two paramedics carrying a spinal injury board. I felt like a right idiot. I grabbed my torch and air horn and thought I had better go with them.”

The Barrow Evening Mail were contacted by Stan’s son, Phillip, 98, who thought the whole situation was ludicrous as there was nothing wrong with Stan, apart from the temporary partial deafness and his craving for a non biscuit soiled cup of tea. We questioned the Doctor involved, “Our patient seems to be in a state of Delusional Brain Attack Syndrome as he is fixating on a Bourbon Cream which, of course, due to Health cut backs we don’t even have. We only get Rich Tea now. It is not like the old days when all Doctors would be served afternoon tea with Scones and Jam by a buxom Nurse in a tight uniform. Now that was the day; a real health service. Strawberry jam, clotted cream and a glimpse of black bra strap.” With this the Doctor departed.

At the time of publication Phillip Hillbourne was still waiting for his father, Stan, 14, to be released. The hospital said that “he is somewhere in building but we are not quite sure. Have you tried the WVS cafe or any of the drinks dispensers?”

The Barrow Evening Mail will return to this story as soon as Stan is found and reunited with his now stale pack of Bourbons.

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