Missing Mammal Mauls Millom Mum

On Thursday Evening a Millom Woman, who has requested to remain nameless, aged 35, was making her way to Barrow Train Station, when she entered Dalton Road and was confonted by a ‘… large, powerful, black haired animal.’

The Millom Woman said, ‘I’m a big fan of Sir David Attenborough, so I used his technique of staying calm and trying not to startle the beast. Slowly I put my hand in my pocket to retrieve my Monster Repellent Spray that I got from thingsyouwillneverusebutjustincase.com, when I remembered I had never actually ordered it, but got the Emergency Hip Hop Emulator. The Monster didn’t appreciate my 1080 degree head spin and just pounced.’

The struggle was captured on CCTV (which should be on youtube soon), and it shows the Woman and the Monster writhing around on the floor for nearly three minutes. It was only by shear luck that the Woman managed to escape, when the Monster rolled over onto the Hip Hop Emulator, shorting the circuit board and effectively turning it into a Taser.

The Woman ran from the scene and found refuge in the Duke Of Edinburgh, where she calmed herself down with a few double whiskeys. The Monster ran in the direction of Rawlinson Street after the batteries on the Emulator ran out.

Animal Experts have been studying the CCTV footage and cannot come to a conclusion on the actual species. One Scientist claimed today that it might even be, ‘…plant life.’

The Police have issued a stern warning about the attack saying, ‘We need vigilance from our subjects. Report all shadows. Until we know what the animal is we are stuck not knowing what the animal is.’

Posted by Catflea Massacre

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