Man Eats Himself After Bizarre Incident

Eyeball Forked
Eyeball Forked

A Millom man, Andre the Mole, as he is known around his home town of Millom, 39, decided to eat himself from the feet up after a dream. The vision began with an ethereal glow emanating from a previous weeks discarded Corn Flakes bowl and then rose, pausing only slightly to take a look at the Athena Tennis Girl poster, it then hovered ethereally above the bed of Andre. He said “I‘m not sure if it was a dream or some sort of apparition, but it looked so much like an ethereal glow that I thought “My god, that’s an ethereal glow” and whether that was in a dream or an apparition based in a semi conscious state of semi-consciousness, I’m not sure,”

“The Ethereal Glow told me that I must begin to eat myself from the feet up, leaving one arm and head to the last.” Andre appeared genuine in his belief that the events had actually happened and to prove it he took a pair of garden shears and removed one of his toes. The Barrow Evening Mail reporter was shocked, but remained calm before asking him if he was put off by eating his own flesh. “I’ve thought about it for a couple of days now, and no, I decided to poach certain elements, like my toes, fingers etc. in a nice red wine and garlic jus. I just feel that I’m being called for something greater.”

As the blood pool began to grow from the wound, Andre picked up his toe and popped it into his mouth holding it between his teeth like a baby’s dummy. “I could always eat it raw.”

Asked whether or not it could have been a dream or that it was really the actions of a sane man; Andre explained, “If it was a dream, then it was very real. What can I do? I feel compelled to do it. I’ll carry on removing body parts until I get to my knee and then reassess the situation, and the taste.”

Our Reporter left Andre contemplating his jus. Andre promised to get back in touch when he was at his knee, although after the copious amounts of sick down the front of the Reporters shirt, we are not sure if this story will be followed up. However, keep an eye open for Andre on the streets of Millom, you might just see him hobble past.

Colin Boohana

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