Poo Pile Poses Problem


Chaos was the watchword today as Dalton came to a standstill. Residents looked on in horror as a HGV, loaded with the world’s largest Egg Sandwich trundled through the town centre.

The wide load had begun its journey from a factory unit just outside of Kendal; however problems only started to occur when the vehicle had to slow down when passing through Ulverston. The escort driver at the rear had noticed that the cellophane wrapping had been ripped apart when passing some low hung branches on the A590. When the vehicle was brought to a halt, just outside of the Roxy Cinema, Seagulls flocked in to take a feed.

Although most were cleared from the sandwich as the vehicle managed to get to a decent speed through Swarthmoor, the hoard of gulls had caught up to the vehicle as it made its decent into Dalton after the escort driver took the first, rather than the second exit off the roundabout. By the time the vehicle had begun to negotiate its way through the Black Bull bottleneck, all the gulls from Dalton had joined the massing throng.

Mr Smith, 53, from Smith street, said, “There must have been at least a thousand birds all flying trying to get purchase on the sandwich. As soon as a bird landed it was pushed off again. I know that your paper is a family paper, and I read it all the time because it is such a fantastic publication, but I was covered in poo, the road was covered in poo, the houses were covered in poo. If you stuck a musician in the middle of it, you could have called it PooFest.”

By the time the HGV had managed to find its way through the Town Centre, the record breaking Egg Sandwich had been reducd in size to one that would have just about satisfied an average family of four while picnicking on Black Combe. Dalton’s Mayor said, “The cleanup will cost at least £63,000.52. The amount of guano (bird poo) we believe will total seven tonnes. We are bringing in martial law, until the emergency has passed.”

Expert have warned people not to mistake the substance for mayonnaise, and whatever people do, not to put it in their sandwich.

Posted by: Catflea Massacre

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