The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning people that ‘the town will be over run by the meandering brainless entities’ and it lists several ways of avoiding certain death.
On his list of ‘survival techniques’ he states ‘It will be best if you leave the area, however if you cannot do that, lock your doors and have a tin of Pineapple rings handy.’ The Barrow Evening Mail contacted Mr Swartz asking him to explain why householders needed a tin of pineapples and how he had managed to find the news about the rise of the zombies. He stated that the ‘Great Zombie Under The Ground’ interrupted a dream and told him to warn the citizens of Dalton so that avoidable deaths could be avoided. The tin containing the pineapple rings could be used as a weapon and thrown at the marauding un-dead. In a hushed tone, Mr Swartz added ‘the pineapple rings are actually my idea; they are my favourite fruit to eat with either ice cream or custard and I’m hoping that after the event there will be loads of tins laying around the town so I don’t have to buy any for at least a couple of months.’
The Co-op in Dalton received a leaflet and have told us that they are ‘stocked to the gills with tins of pineapple and this event had better take place or we are going to look stupid at Head Office’.
Mr Swartz is adamant that the event will take place and that the Zombies will rise… however the Barrow Evening Mail will return to this story later in the year.
Posted by Catflea Massacre