Balloon Bombardment over Barrow

Express Delivery
Express Delivery

Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.

In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”

The one thousand released balloons were let go in quick succession and formed a colourful chain as they each followed the same course before dispersing above Barrow Town Hall.

Each balloon was of the correct size for the payload it was carrying. The Farmer had received an EU grant to employ a post graduate student from Lancaster University’s Physics Department to conduct the correct calculations based on the amount of dairy product requested by his customer. The largest of the balloons recorded a circumference of two metres seventy centimetres, which could carry a three pint plastic carton of milk, a small carton of cream and six eggs.

Barrow Council has said that they will be looking at drone legislation in a bid to curtail the chaos that ensued. “We have recently seen an increase in tourism with the opening of the Custard Cream Museum and we do not want anything to get in the way of its success.”

Farmer Muckspread said, “Jus’ cause them buggers are mekkin’ cash from’t museum, they wanna mek me ge’ owt o’ bed befowa’t cows ge’ up. Well, I’m no’ ‘avin’ it. I’ll figh’ all’t way t’ Europe.”

Barrow Council retorted with, “If we understand him correctly, he’s got a fight on his hands.”

The Barrow Evening Mail tried to escalate the situationĀ  in a bid to cause a physical fist fight, but neither party was willing to travel the seven miles to stand face to face. As ever we will follow this story but not before we have had our Cornflakes and an fried egg sandwich.

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