In a strange twist of fate, Adam Morrington, 21, from North Row, became the first known man to be eaten by the food he was preparing to eat. The Barrow born Barrovian had been digging in his garden when he stumbled across two golden tablets. On retrieving them from the soil, an angel appeared, reported to be Gabriel himself, and told him that he could translate the runes engraved in the tablet by looking at them through a jar of Robinson’s Strawberry Jam and it would endow upon him the gifts enjoyed by Jesus.
Adams friend, 48, who was a friend to Adam and wishes to remain anonymous, told the Barrow Evening Mail that Adam “Had translated the tablets as best he could. The first type of instruction that was uncovered was ‘Walking on Water’. I was there when he tried it out. We filled the bath and Adam did this little incantation and then stepped on the surface of the water. It was amazing, it was like ice, he just stood there, like floating.” Brian continued, “I left after that, my mind was blown.”
The following details were released from the Coroners Office, “On listening to Mr Richardson, 34, it is believed that a further incantation was tried, this time turning five loaves into enough food to feed the five thousand. However, we believe that Mr Morrington, 54, translated the tablets incorrectly and managed to turn a marshmallow into the size of five thousand marshmallows.” The Coroner then described the scene and the findings in the house, “All that remained was a little toe sticking out from a lump of congealed sugar substance and the remaining packet of Marshmallows. There was little blood. We believe that the Marshmallow turned on Adam and consumed him in a single bite. There was no sign of the Golden Tablets.”
Adams anonymous friend, 27, was tested for the effects of LSD, but nothing was found in his system and neither was any trace found in the remains of the little toe.
The Barrow Evening Mail believes that the events were to lead up to the second coming of Christ, but as Adam was a diagnosed dyslexic it may have been that he was not the intended target. Our Reporter was dispatched to the Vatican City, but could not gain entry to the Pope, being told to “Leave the premises.”, but not quite in that language. The Barrow Evening Mail will continue to cover this story if any further details are discovered.
Posted by: Canula Cordant