Saintly Secrets Secreted Silently

Jesus Marrow
Jesus Marrow

Our Reporter has been holidaying with a trip to the Vatican City, and after a few days of sitting around doing nothing much but picking at their feet, cleaning ears and nose and scratching their armpits, they decided they had had enough rest and began to look into a rumour that had been ‘doing the rounds’ in Askam. To their surprise they discovered that a local resident is on the list to become a Saint. The process involves the proving of miracles and the cataloguing of selfless acts that have taken place in their name. Although the Vatican has issued a warning of legal proceedings if we name the person in question, we can reveal that they are closely connected to the Parish Council.

In a document recovered by the reporter it states that one of the miracles in question is the creation of thirteen Marrows, all containing individual images of the disciples, plus Christ, at the table of the Last Supper. When placed around a cauliflower it is believed to make a full tableau depicting the religious event. The vegetables were presented at last year’s Harvest Festival celebrations, but the judges missed the significance, only saying, “They look a little on the small side.” The soon to be Saint took a picture of his vegetables and sent it directly to the Pope who endorsed the collection as definite proof that Jesus lived and preached in and around Askam and Ireleth.

Another miracle involved the resurrection of a small dog on Dale Street. It was said that the person saw the terrier in crisis with its head stuck down the cover of a drain. Rushing to the scene they grabbed the back end and tugged hard. The small dogs death involved the removing of the head from the shoulders. Although there were absolutely no witnesses to verify the claim, the soon to be Saint reconnected the head and with a single touch to the chest, the Terrier jumped back to life and ran off wagging its tail. Although, the footnote to this story is that the dog bit a postman the next morning and was destroyed by the court.

The reporter was disturbed in the Cardinals office at this point, escorted off the premises and deported from the Vatican City with the express order not to return for the next five years, when he will once again be able to take advantage of a cheap two week camping experience. Here at the Barrow Evening Mail we will endeavour to dig further into the claims and the progress of the beatification.

Donald Crump

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *