Jammie Situation Causes Problematic Problem

Jammie Dodger
Jammie Dodger

The National Retail Association of Great Britain contacted The Barrow Evening Mail this week to warn of a major worldwide shortage in the supply of Jammie Dodgers. It is claimed that the whole of the biscuit manufacturing sector will lose profits of up to ninety five percent as the ingredients become scarce.

The whole of the biscuit manufacturing body have launched an investigation into the situation after claims that a Barrow man is at the heart of the problem. They stated that he had inserted a decimal point into the wrong column on the order form from Burton’s Biscuit Company and that resulted in the main supplier cutting its production of ingredients. Burtons received only fifty gallons of jam instead of five hundred thousand gallons. Burtons say they are scouring the world and the known universe for further supplies, but that they are not willing to go where no man has been before.

In a shock move, Burtons will only be supplying a single branch of Coop in the Furness area. The Askam Co-op is to receive its last delivery of Jammie Dodgers on the 14th of February 2016. It has been decided that the shop will open especially at 12 midnight on the day so that they can deal with the crisis buyers and not have them disrupt a normal days shopping. Any supplies of Jammie Dodgers left on the shelf will be quadrupled in price as the usual biscuit will become a rare commodity.

Passports proving the buyers identities will be cross checked with the official electoral register so that no ‘enemies of the Parish’ will get through. It is feared that teams of specialist buyers will swoop on the store to gather as many packets as possible, then sell them on through the black market. Undercover police have infiltrated gangs in both Dalton and Kirby in the hope that illegal operations can be stopped before they get off the ground. The manager of the Co-op has been placed on record after telling a customer that ‘Crisps are kept on the shelves just inside the front door’.

At this month’s Parish Council meeting the whole agenda was extended to deal with the impending emergency. Police chiefs attended the meeting to declare that they would be putting a permanent police presence in the village to reassure the residents that no underhand activities were likely to take place.

The Barrow Evening Mail has been informed that the shortage may take the whole year to sort out. Our advice: stock up, because as we all know, there is nothing like a Jammie Dodger.

Catflea Massacre

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *