Super Hotel Proposed in Ulverston

Ulverston Hotel
Ulverston Hotel

As we reported in the last issue of The Barrow Evening Mail, there have been talks with the Council and a number of interested parties about the positioning of a new large-scale hotel in Ulverston. The Barrow Evening Mail reported it after a tip off by an insider from within the County Council Chambers.

Although we cannot give you a completed plan, we believe that the Planning Application has been submitted for approval close to the Canal Walk. The complex will be spread over a three mile footprint and feature luxuries such as a private helicopter landing pad, an Olympic sized swimming pool, with fur lined high level diving board and a show jumping arena where each horse has its own built in DVD player for the enjoyment of the rider, to name just a few.

A rally call to the residents of Ulverston will be made as the proposed road to the resort will be constructed from the bones of the local children’s cherished pet hamsters. These tiny bones will be crushed into fine particles, mixed into a thick paste using the tears of the children (recycle the emotional outpourings) and then set into matchbox sized moulds and left to set under the heat of the Millom sun. Tests on this surface show that it cuts road noise down by 0.09%, helping guests spend quality time asleep.

Inside the complex there will be seventeen dining rooms each serving a separately themed menu; ranging from kangaroo marinated in light basil oil to hamster breast dressed with a scoop of wallpaper paste. Waiters dressed in traditional Furness costume, will wait on the guests hand and foot and will deliver food off the backs of the local Girl Guides group; a new badge will be introduced.

The one, and only, bedroom will have the advantage of eight on suite bathrooms, each equipped with identical soaps and hand towels. A bed created with the tusks of the Indian elephant will be themed with elephant skin wallpaper. As well as the three hundred and sixty degree Imax cinema incorporated into the ceiling showing the guests favourite films found by scanning their brainwaves. On the balcony the world’s tallest big wheel will give outstanding views of the bay and the hills beyond, and at the same time allow the guests to travel around in a Jacuzzi.

The one real surprise to the build is the teleportation booth that will enable guests to experience weightlessness on the surface of the moon. Although not available on opening, the ‘ride of your lifetime’ will be finished soon after 2108, when the Japanese will land the first manned mission to the moon since the Americans. After a considerable amount of legal wrangling, they agreed to build the receiving pod, or so it seems.

The County Council has refused all our Freedom of Information requests regarding the status of the hotel planning application, however The Barrow Evening Mail will be using our moles as much as we can and reporting back. We are concerned about the environmental side to this development and will be contacting Alan Titchmarsh on your behalf to find out what our country’s foremost ecologist has to say. We will let you have his reaction in the next edition of The Barrow Evening Mail.

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