Chavtastic Chav Chavs It Up


It has been made official, Barrow is the home of the Chav. Whether you wear sweat pants or not, YOU are one of the chaviest chavs in the whole of the country. Yes…You!

The survey, that was published last week, states that teenagers within the Barrow area are 76% more likely to check their testicles three times over a period of two minutes than that of any other town in the world. A survey respondent, 54, who lives in Dalton wrote, ‘I see them walking down the street with their hands down their sweat pants, fiddling away, all the time. If I stand in Dalton Rd and complete a 360 degree sweep I can see a least four people checking to see if their testes are still there; and that’s just the girls’.

Greggs, the Bakers, have also confirmed that the sausage rolls from the Barrow branch are the most travelled puff pastry product, that is, once they have left the shop. A spokesman for Greggs, 46, said, “We started using tracking devices on our paper bags. It became blatantly obvious that Barrow mothers were giving their two week old babies a sausage roll and using it as an edible soother. It wasn’t as if they were travelling a great distance from the shop; they sat at the first convenient seat and then pushed the pram backwards and forwards until the baby had eaten the sausage roll”. Our reporter tried to approach one individual, 15 (ish), whose baby looked like they were ritalined up, but instantly got told to go away and was described as a ‘f-ing nonce’.

Based on the survey results Monster UK had approached Barrow Council to try and become the towns official sponsor. It was hoped that the energy boosting drink could show an upturn in productivity as it would help motivate people as they were lifted out of their slumber. However, later results from Monster UK shows that they are already selling more than the average amount of drinks sold in comparative areas. Monster UK said ‘It’s hopeless.’

Barrow Mayor was asked to respond to the survey, but they declined stating, “We don’t believe these figures and in fact we think you are making this nonsense up.” Here at the Barrow Evening Mail, we say, “The custard is in the bowl.”

Submitted By Catflea Massacre

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