Jam Sandwich Delivery System Tested

Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action
Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action

The management at BAE Barrow were today in celebratory mood when they received confirmation that the new Nuclear Submarines Humanitarian Delivery System had delivered its first batch of Jam Sandwich directly to the mouth of a Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 94.

Boat four of the Astute Class, Audacious, was launched from Barrow Docks earlier this year and will be shortly conducting full trials off the coast of Scotland. Initially built to deliver nuclear weapons, it was adapted for humanitarian use in its late stages as the government fought to get the new Successor Class through Parliament. In response to criticism from Labour and the Lib Dems, the Conservatives made an about face and deemed one in every four submarines to be fitted with a food delivery system.

A few problems arose when adapting the missile tubes as the jam sandwiches were getting stuck within; Jam was being spread throughout the tubes and as it dried was slowly changing the diameter of the shafts. After a £32m rethink, it was discovered that sending a hoard of hungry gerbils into the tubes every fifth fire solved the problem.

In celebration the Royal Navy today proudly sailed its new Aircraft Carrier, HMS Queen Elizabeth into Barrow Docks, via Abbey Road, and it was joined by a flotilla of boats from all over the North West, including HMS Custard Carrier, Barrows own mobile Dessert Delivery Ship. On arrival the Mayor said, “It’s a proud day today. To see a Submarine designed and manufactured in this town being used to feed those affected by war is something I have always wished for.”

After several hours of pomp and ceremony and a very large lunch consisting of Marks and Spencers Platters, the Project Manager of Audacious stepped up to formally declare that a full test would be carried out on the Jam Sandwich Delivery System. Previously, a Barrow wide raffle had taken place and the delighted winner, Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 78, won the chance to stand on the top of Black Combe while a sandwich was fired through the air. With confirmation of her coordinates, the Mayor pressed the firing button. A slightly nervous atmosphere grew over the thirty seconds of flight, and then the confirmation came in over the PA.

Celebrations are to continue throughout the night with the Top Brass of both the Navy, BAE and Robertsons having the pleasure of watching the Black Eyed Peas perform at the Cross Keys.

Posted By: Catflea Massacre

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