Mans Marmalade Motoring Madness


Barrow Police have reported that an Askam man has been found guilty for being in charge of a car whilst being seven times over the legal limit of marmalade.

The enactment of this little known law was only brought due to the erratic nature of the man’s driving. The arresting officer was sure that the driver had been consuming alcohol, but no reading showed on the breathalyser. After taking the sobriety tests of putting index finger on the end of the nose and flicking chips into the mouth of a fully formed adult Mallard, the officer decided to arrest the driver on suspicion of drink driving so a blood test could be taken.

The Askam resident, Charles Smurf, 42, was adamant that he had not been drinking and so the Police decided to test the blood sample for all known substances that can be fermented and turned into alcohol. The marmalade showed up as the cause immediately as the level of consumption astounded the scientists. Dr. Fraud said ‘this man has eaten more than 18000 grams of large shred marmalade. If I can put it into context, it could be seen as an elephant playing on a scooter.’ Trying to get clarification on the statement, the Barrow Evening Mail contacted Dr. fraud but he was busy setting fire to his hair.  However the Barrow Evening Mail purchased a calculator and discovered that the amount was equivalent to fifty-three jars.

The amount of sugar consumed and held in the stomach along with a constant body temperature and the yeast from the recently eaten bread combined to create a form of alcohol, or it could be said, ‘home brew’.

Mr Smurf admitted to driving with excess alcohol in his body, although he will plead mitigating circumstances on the basis that he was ignorant as to the effects of a common preserve.  He has also agreed to see a psychiatrist, dietician and a hypnotist.  Giving the Barrow Evening Mail an exclusive interview, Charles said ‘The habit has just grown.  It started with a spoonful on a single slice of toast, but one day I had two spoonfuls, then two slices of bread.  I knew it was getting bad when I was smuggling a jar into work and having a spoonful in my brews.  In a way, I’m glad it is all out in the open.’

He is due to be sentenced in November; the Barrow Evening Mail will be there to report on the result.  The court has put by seventy eight days for the case.

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