It has emerged that a spate of bins being tipped over was not the result of a band of unwieldy millennials, and if we hadn’t have given it away in the title it would have been a surprise, but a band of Zombie Badgers.
The first appearance of the phenomenon was reported by a Mrs Kermit Jones, 34, who on insisting that she had seen a Badger get hit by a car, and after dragging the corpse to the side of the road, watched on in horror when the Badger got up and tried to eat her toes. It was only by chance that the pensioner was going swimming and therefore had been wearing her steel toe capped boots, that the Badger did not pierce her skin; he did somehow steal a sock. Mrs Jones was forcefully admitted into psychiatric care, but since released.
CCTV images picked up images through the CCTV system showing a raging pack of eighteen Badgers skilfully climbing into a perfect pyramid before depositing the top one into the bin where he then began throwing the ends of Greggs pies and McDonalds chicken nuggets onto the pavement. As a group the images showed they waited patiently for the Badger in the bin to climb out before they started their gore fest of a meal.
A Barrow Council Official climbed onto the steps of the Town Hall to publicly announce that the rumours were true and that anybody who happened to happen upon a Zombie Badger had to ‘run like they had seen a Zombie Badger’. They also stated that on the first sightings they had secretly called in Government officials to confirm that the Badgers were dead, and they were zombies. She said, “The Government Scientists believe that a single Badger had become infected with a rogue virus after eating a long-discarded egg sandwich. This one Badger had in turn infected others around it by taking a casual bite from its victims.” She continued, “Tests have been done and after trying to kill them with many different methods, the only successful one was ‘like the movies’, i.e. hitting them over the head, breaking their skulls.”
There is no known cure yet, so the Government advice is to stay away from any roaming packs of Badgers, reporting them to the authorities and under no circumstance should an egg sandwich be discarded. The Barrow Evening Mail will shortly return to this story as the whole situation develops. We have also been asked to advise people that the 19th Great Egg Sandwich Festival will be cancelled this year.
Posted by Catflea Massacre