Anger was boiling in the Town Hall today when a motion was carried to outlaw the extreme fundamentalist group Tears In Tarmac (TIT) from operating within the Furness Peninsula. Their outrageous tactics have been putting lives at risk. They are objecting to the upgrading of local roads due to their belief that every square foot of tarmac created helps the US Government promote the use of Drones through out the hotspots of the world.
Mrs Shumberg, 72, of Dark Closet Road, told the Barrow Evening Mail, that the Pentagon had been buying shares in Tarmac Plants as the perfect cover for their involvement in the open markets. She reported that many companies were under full control of the Americans and that because the shares were bought under several proxy buyers, they thought the deceit would never come to life. But late one night, when Mrs Shumberg, 72, was trying to order another Orange Blossom Lipstick through the Avon website, she had accidently found herself in the main frame server of the NSA. She found a document showing that the share options of all the Worlds Tarmac Manufacturers were in the name of A Merica or Erica Am. With a little more digging she exposed the profits gained from the shares were being dumped into new software companies who supplied Top Secret Programs to the US Forces.
In a bid to highlight this, Mrs Shumberg, 68, had started to fill all the potholes in the Furness area with Custard that had been microwaved for far too long. This she had done in the hope that Barrow Council would not need to fill them and therefore cease in buying the terror related Tarmac. When this had failed to curtail the problem, she felt direct action was the only avenue open. She gathered several friends around her, formed TIT and proceeded to finance a large scale disruptive response through the medium of a Bake Sale. She said she had so far raised £17.43 towards her cause. A Whistle Blower from within TIT whistle blowed.
The Council said they had no other option than to try and outlaw Tit, and continue with their pot hole filling agenda. Mrs Shumberg, 62, was requested to leave the Private Meeting, which she did. On her way home she bought half chips and 3 portions of mushy peas and went home for a fart. This paper, will continue to search for the truth.