Police Chiefs have informed us that due to spending shortfalls in the previous years budget there will be a radical approach taken to cover the Furness area. Although extra officers are set to take up a local position, they believe that this will not be enough. It has been promised by the late autumn, that a new wave of crime fighters will be in place.
One hundred local cats have been signed up to be trained in the skills of surveillance and the deployment of arms. The cats are being taught to sniff out any person with criminal intent then follow them to the scene of a crime. When they arrive at the premises they will then radio in to the station where back up will be standing by. On receiving word another cat will be deployed carrying an AK47 Assault Rifle.
Police have vehemently denied that this is a stupid idea, quoting government research as their defence. The Barrow Evening Mail sent to Barbados for a copy of the report which indeed states that ‘after spending £6 million of public money we indeed believe that introducing Security Cats is a good idea.’ However the Barrow Evening Mail found no research and no accountancy procedures.
Approaching the local sheltered housing for cat’s establishment we were amazed to find that the owners also thought this was a good idea. ‘It is in our mind that cats do have an ability far greater than any other animal and therefore it goes to say that a cat with an AK47 would have the greatest understanding of when to use the weapon and when not’. It seemed that all the evidence points to cats being the ideal vehicle to keep the peace.
However the Barrow Evening Mail doesn’t give up that easy. We went back to the government research team involved and pressed them harder for a look at the real report and the finances. We are pleased to say that we did receive the full report, in a brown paper bag, handed over with the code words ‘smarties are the chocolate equivalent of green beans.’ On the spending report, we too agree that it is a good idea and that the questioning will go no further. We are behind the scheme one hundred and ten percent and will not be digging any further, definitely not… whatsoever.