Smarties Not So Smartie

A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’.

The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op.
“Yeb, I’mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. It’s boss”.

We asked him to remove the smarties and try explaining it again so we could understand him. “I’ve been doing it for over a month. I can get seventeen up my nose, but that’s nowt really, my mate can get thirty three. I’m in training.
“You get a rush as you push the smarties up your nostril, because each one adds more chocolate smell and that starts to get you off your head. It’s the intensity of it, man.
“Then when the chocolate starts melting it runs down the back of the nose and into the throat. But that’s not it. When it gets so far and so thick it blocks your airways and you start to suffocate. Then you get a real buzz and if you’ve done enough smarties then you pass out for a few seconds… It’s boss”.

Doctors at Furness Hospital said “Ibs quib gud fund”. We asked the doctor to remove the smarties from his nose. “It’s quite good fun, really, but I would suggest you keep the amount down to a minimum. One or two every couple of days wouldn’t have any adverse effect on your health, although please don’t quote me on it as really I haven’t a clue and just trying to jump on the band wagon” he said as we quoted directly.

Notices have been sent out to all children through their schools. The Barrow Evening Mail think that the practice should be looked at by the Government. The Editor has been so incensed by these ridiculous practices that he has publicly stated “Diz is outragus and stub be stobbed”.

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