Horoscopes

Aries

Act like a Ram in your everyday life; in other words, don’t be a sheep; in other words, flap banana pot noodle green. These words will take you far. If in doubt head stubbornly down a single path taking with you as many people as is in your herd. Don’t shout, but keep your words calm and think ‘What would Norman Wisdom do?’

Tip of the Month: Elbows are pointy, use them.

Taurus

Make sure you are indulging in a balanced diet. Your bathroom habits are becoming a little wild and a boost of iron will bring you back to a solid way of life. Be careful though, too much iron could render you incapable of purchasing a brown leather jacket for your teddy bear.

Tip of the Month: Plants generally take up more room than the dimensions of the seed packet.

Gemini

As a sun sign you will start to enjoy the year as the sun is coming out to play. Sunglasses may be the right look for you this year but wearing swimming trunks in Tesco is not the best idea. Give yourself a little time to walk in the countryside and appreciate the glorious views that nature has to offer, but make sure to run home to watch Coronation Street.

Tip of the Month: Didactic theatre is not the answer to 3 down.

Cancer

As the happiest star sign it is imperative that you don’t give your socks to your siblings, and if you don’t have any siblings, the royal family. They will not appreciate the gesture, nor will they appreciate you wrapping them in a bow. If you try and gift your socks, then be prepared to be sworn at and this will result in you having to eat your Christmas dinner alone.

Tip of the Month: Algae is useful for many things but, don’t try and fashion it into underpants.

Leo

As the Lion, you will also be subject to being hunted down by callous trophy hunters. Always carry a large rock on your person as it will give you something to hide behind when the bullets start to fly. You are not safe, even when you are sat on your sofa in your pyjamas. Tune into Radio 4, as the cryptic clues delivered by the presenters will keep you one step ahead.

Tip of the Month: Sticking your neck out will likely result in a stiff neck.

Virgo

There is love in the air! But not for you. You will discover that pushing your finger into small holes will get you stuck. Take a cup with you as every chance to beg is a chance to earn money. Think about your pension and start saving, standing in a line at the Post Office will only give you so much pleasure.

Tip of the Month: Copy down every conversation you partake in, just in case you need to write your autobiography.

Libra

You will detest this month as everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And everything that can go right will still go wrong. Stay out of water. Stay out of the kitchen. Don’t walk on pavements or roads. It is all deadly. Things will change towards the start of next month when you will see a puppy frolicking around a large African Snail.

Tip of the Month: Fish Fingers come in different sized boxes, these are for differing amounts, not differing sizes.

Scorpio

Random strangers will want to talk with you this month. Sit back and enjoy the wealth of knowledge they will give. Ignoring these people will result in nothing in particular but may damage your chances of election when you finally agree to stand for the Communist Party. Red is a colour which you should wear, but don’t let anybody see it, as one out of every twelve people may take offence.

Tip of the Month: Angelic singing will lift your mood, so will playing board games dressed as a 1920’s detective.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians may wish to live a little this month. Go out and spend the money you haven’t got on things you don’t like. Window shopping will let you see yourself as others do, it is a reflection on your life and one that will bring you back to the stark realities. Combing your hair like Donald Trump may bring you riches.

Tip of the Month: Keep your eye on the pavement as you walk as cracks will see you marrying a rat.

Capricorn

In the tradition of those born under a Capricorn sky, you will discover the meaning of life this month, but only if you look for it. Search everywhere, even in those places that you will not look in. If you fail to find the meaning of life, no problem as next month you will get another chance. For all the single Capricornians, you will meet a tall, dark and handsome stranger, but they will be horrible.

Tip of the Month: Pubs are places where the sell alcoholic drinks and non alcoholic drinks, also crisps and stuff.

Aquarius

You will start to feel an affiliation with the classic novel, Moby Dick, as you will be predominately dreaming of large expanses of water for no particular reason. However, as your sign is formed of water this will come as a natural feeling, just like weeing in your sleep. Mornings may also be a little wet before you climb out of bed.

Tip of the month: Angle your mouth to 30 degrees clockwise when trying to eat bread that’s been dipped in your soup.

Pisces

You will smell like a fish

Tip of the Month: Embrace smelling like a fish

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *