Horoscopes

Aries
At the beginning of this month will see a rise in your household budget and then towards the end, a slump. You will find yourself craving Alphabetti Spaghetti in a moment of despair; anybody spelling out the words ‘Kill Me’ on their foreheads should report to the Old Bakery on Hartington St for reallignment.

Tip of the Month: Do not suggest travelling to Blackpool by Train, you will find yourself passing through Hades.

Taurus
The strength of the Bull in your heart will help you un-tighten many jars and bottle tops this month. Don’t allow your pride to get the better of you as you are likely to be in with the Lions and not the herd as expected. Don’t listen to anything heard as it will be an untruth and not worthy of your bull like ears.

Tip of the Month: In times of crisis do not refer to tea leaf reading or skateboarding teenagers.

Gemini
Gemini is a sun sign and therefore in spring it is easy to get motivated. Add a little pizzazz to this time of year by introducing amphetamine into your diet (but don’t tell the Rozzers that it was us who said it).

Tip of the Month: In life there is no delete button so install the correct programs and stay away from viruses.

Cancer
There is likely to be happy times ahead as you become more involved with an airborne display team. Don’t question the authority of the Universe because it might just help push you into a depression resulting in the overeating of Curly Wurlys. Try something new this month, but stay off your left leg if possible.

Tip of the Month: Give the Tramp who lives at the bottom of your street a foot massage; your karma may improve but wash soon afterwards.

Leo
Like the Lion learn to forage from the plains of the Savannah for soon there will be a nuclear holocaust and that will affect your ability to shop in your local supermarket. On a plus note a love interest may become interested in your love, or they may not; it depends on your looks. Ugly Leos may want to lock themselves in a darkened room.

Tip of the Month: Do not talk about impending nuclear doom, as this will not effect the other star signs.

Virgo
With your analytical brain in full movement, the answer to perpetual motion might reside within your kitchen. Take a look around at the possibilities and assess the science behind the task which may resolve the problems that occurred last month. Toast will be your friend.

Tip of the Month: In a moment of despair, which will happen in the middle of the month, try sucking on a Murray Mint.

Libra
The diplomatic side of your personality may be called on from the CIA. Be ready, with a packed suitcase, to take a plane west. Creating sandwiches may help you relax towards the end of the month; stay away from cheese, ham, marmalade and Bovril.

Tip of the Month: Party like its 1999.

Scorpio
With a loyal personality beware of those strangers carrying blood. These people will cause you harm and also apply a minor irritating rash to your left toe on your right foot. When in the shower do not expose your rubber duck to the radiation that seeps from the plug hole.

Tip of the Month: Carve Baked Beans into the shape of a Kidney Bean for fun, rest and relaxation. Just like a Mars Bar; three elements of joy.

Sagittarius
The animal in you says poo in the streets. Feel lucky as the laws state horses are immune from the fouling regulations. Your craving for company and fun will be compromised unless you’re suffering from schizophrenia as a built in buddy, or two, or seventeen, will curtail the need for whimsical chit chat with those sat with you at the bus stop.

Tip of the Month: Stay away from green things. This month, yellow is safe.

Capricorn
If there is nothing more to be done: give up. Your dependence on carrying on leads you to places far beyond where you should have been. Don’t travel, lock yourself in a room, only answer the door to apparitions, ghosts and ghouls. Your family are trying to kill you.

Tip of the Month: Enjoy an evening with family and friends

Aquarius
As fashion has never been your friend it is wise this month to wear red corduroy slacks; the benefit will come from those who usually look down on you to reappraise your character. Love is in the air. A romantic getaway or meal will enhance your personal life by two percentage points in comparison to the NASDAQ.

Tip of the Month: Invest in a Potato Ricer and watch the pounds roll in.

Pisces
Swim like you have never swam before. If you can’t swim, we suggest you don’t go near water of any kind, including cans of Irn Bru. You feel lonely at the start of the month, but along with the buds on the trees, friends will appear as we travel further into the summer.

Tip of the Month: Suggest holding council with the council; for maximum effect wear a Gandalf costume and speak Elvish.

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