Horoscopes

Aries

There is nothing like a clean kitchen, so clean your kitchen and you may find the hopes and dreams of an unfulfilled life lingering behind the fridge. Try something different this month, maybe a journey to the outer edges of the universe; there might even be a discarded 50 pence piece there.

Tip of the Month: If you find you are looking in the wrong places, turn around and look in the right places.

Taurus

This month the Beanie Hat look might work in your favour. As a Bull, you will want to go for the ‘Out There’ colouring: pinks, reds, oranges and maybe even cerise. You might feel it’s a step too far, but don’t worry, that’s just the curb. Parade like a Bull who has eaten the cream.

Tip of the Month: If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, question it, they are evil, man.

Gemini

As a sun sign you will be feeling the winter blues, so put your jumper on and get out there; try skipping through the snowdrops and singing an extract from any Disney Musical in the voice of Janette Krankie. The world will come together and everybody will want to give you a hug.

Tip of the Month: When a taxi driver asks you for directions, get out of the vehicle, it is no longer a taxi, it is simply a confused car driver.

Cancer

It is an extreme kind of month for the average Cancerian, not only do you have to live under a star sign named after a deadly and problematic disease, you also have to live up to the title of ‘Worlds Happiest Star Sign’. In the dead of night sneak a game of Snakes and Ladders, but don’t invite your family, they are all idiots. Custard is a friend that will keep you smiling at work.

Tip of the Month: Keep your friends close, but your family even closer. They are the ones planning to rob and kill you.

Leo

The mane on your head could need a trim, book yourself into a local hairdresser and have a pamper, you have earned it, even if you haven’t. Take that new look and strut like you own the Serengeti; maybe a nice sausage roll from Greggs.

Tip of the Month: Transcendental meditation could reward you with an unexpected holiday.

Virgo

Don’t worry about that odd trip to the toilet in the middle of the night, just make sure your pathway is clear and that all trip hazards are removed. A disturbed nights sleep is a small price to pay for the enjoyment felt when climbing back into bed for a few more hours.

Tip of the Month: Red Blossom is a provocative colour to wear on your lips, but even more so when used to highlight the tip of your nose.

Libra

There is music playing in your heart this month as romance will bloom, just like a rose in summer; but beware, all roses come with thorns. Avoid sending money abroad to those you meet online, they will only buy extra pieces for their Scalectrix Tracks and tickets to see Justin Bieber.

Tip of the Month: Always buy multi packs of toilet roll as a single roll will only go so far.

Scorpio

Watching Lord of The Rings back to back will bring a feeling of complete loss and loathing, so don’t sit there at weekends make a change, I hear Tom and Jerry Box Sets are available. Even better go and poke snails and slugs with a twig to give you that feeling of superiority.

Tip of the Month: Collect bottle tops and make a nice new shiny jacket that will attract Blue Tits in a morning.

Sagittarius

If there is one thing we know about Sagittarians, it’s that Sagittarians know they are Sagittarians. If you are reading this then the Sagittarian in you knows that you are reading the right thing. If you are not a Sagittarian then please stop reading this as it is for Sagittarians eyes only.

Tip of the Month: Combat fatigue is both a clothing and an illness, please don’t mix up the two as shenanigans may be forthcoming.

Capricorn

In the depth of night, do not look under the bed. There is nothing there unless you look and then any monsters that might be hiding will come out and start to scare you. Stay calm. Stay hidden under your quilt, but also be aware of the large spiders crawling across the ceiling.

Tip of the Month: Do not listen to scaremongers as mongerers will only try and scare you.

Aquarius

There is only so much Llama fun you can have. Remember your family and the commitment you made before you purchase that Llama stable with the ensuite bathroom and luxury garage. A Llama is for life, but not at the expense of your pension, so continue saving those pennies and the pounds will look after you.

Tip of the month: Electronic media is the work of the devil, be careful if you are playing Sims4, you may find yourself falling asleep at the wheel.

Pisces

Swimming in a lake of fire is not a good thing if you haven’t got a fire retardant suit on. Carrying a cup of water will be no help so put that down and engage your hands in something positive. You will be setting a world record by the end of the month.

Tip of the Month: Eating copious amounts of beans will eventually turn your poo orange, but don’t post pictures of it to your in-laws.

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