Chavtastic Chav Chavs It Up

Chavtastic
Chavtastic

It has been made official, Barrow is the home of the Chav. Whether you wear sweat pants or not, YOU are one of the chaviest chavs in the whole of the country. Yes…You!

The survey, that was published last week, states that teenagers within the Barrow area are 76% more likely to check their testicles three times over a period of two minutes than that of any other town in the world. A survey respondent, 54, who lives in Dalton wrote, ‘I see them walking down the street with their hands down their sweat pants, fiddling away, all the time. If I stand in Dalton Rd and complete a 360 degree sweep I can see a least four people checking to see if their testes are still there; and that’s just the girls’.

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Tap Dancing Ladies Find Sinkhole

Dancing Sinkhole
Dancing Sinkhole

The Festival of Feet, Barrows longest running Feet Festival was held last weekend at the first of its roaming locations. The first venue to be visited, whilst major renovations to its 80,000 seat stadium are ongoing, was the field just off Abbey Approach. Although not a patch on the facilities provided by their usual 65,000 seat stadium, the field, previously a home to Barrow Mascot, Duncan the Donkey, did manage to put on a show worthy of the Mayors attendance.

Events were well underway and the organisation was robust as the 46 rounds of the Children’s Egg and Spoon Race were completed, and only one person died in the record breaking Sack Race. However, when the entrants to the Ladies Tap Dancing entered the arena, there began a small rumble under the Judges podium. Mrs Shutter, 63, described the feeling, “It was like a small rumble under the Judges podium.”

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Super Hotel Proposed in Ulverston

Ulverston Hotel
Ulverston Hotel

As we reported in the last issue of The Barrow Evening Mail, there have been talks with the Council and a number of interested parties about the positioning of a new large-scale hotel in Ulverston. The Barrow Evening Mail reported it after a tip off by an insider from within the County Council Chambers.

Although we cannot give you a completed plan, we believe that the Planning Application has been submitted for approval close to the Canal Walk. The complex will be spread over a three mile footprint and feature luxuries such as a private helicopter landing pad, an Olympic sized swimming pool, with fur lined high level diving board and a show jumping arena where each horse has its own built in DVD player for the enjoyment of the rider, to name just a few.

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Jammie Situation Causes Problematic Problem

Jammie Dodger
Jammie Dodger

The National Retail Association of Great Britain contacted The Barrow Evening Mail this week to warn of a major worldwide shortage in the supply of Jammie Dodgers. It is claimed that the whole of the biscuit manufacturing sector will lose profits of up to ninety five percent as the ingredients become scarce.

The whole of the biscuit manufacturing body have launched an investigation into the situation after claims that a Barrow man is at the heart of the problem. They stated that he had inserted a decimal point into the wrong column on the order form from Burton’s Biscuit Company and that resulted in the main supplier cutting its production of ingredients. Burtons received only fifty gallons of jam instead of five hundred thousand gallons. Burtons say they are scouring the world and the known universe for further supplies, but that they are not willing to go where no man has been before.

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Saintly Secrets Secreted Silently

Jesus Marrow
Jesus Marrow

Our Reporter has been holidaying with a trip to the Vatican City, and after a few days of sitting around doing nothing much but picking at their feet, cleaning ears and nose and scratching their armpits, they decided they had had enough rest and began to look into a rumour that had been ‘doing the rounds’ in Askam. To their surprise they discovered that a local resident is on the list to become a Saint. The process involves the proving of miracles and the cataloguing of selfless acts that have taken place in their name. Although the Vatican has issued a warning of legal proceedings if we name the person in question, we can reveal that they are closely connected to the Parish Council.

In a document recovered by the reporter it states that one of the miracles in question is the creation of thirteen Marrows, all containing individual images of the disciples, plus Christ, at the table of the Last Supper. When placed around a cauliflower it is believed to make a full tableau depicting the religious event. The vegetables were presented at last year’s Harvest Festival celebrations, but the judges missed the significance, only saying, “They look a little on the small side.” The soon to be Saint took a picture of his vegetables and sent it directly to the Pope who endorsed the collection as definite proof that Jesus lived and preached in and around Askam and Ireleth.

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Mystical Marshmallow Munches Man

Marshmallow Mouth
Marshmallow Mouth

In a strange twist of fate, Adam Morrington, 21, from North Row, became the first known man to be eaten by the food he was preparing to eat. The Barrow born Barrovian had been digging in his garden when he stumbled across two golden tablets. On retrieving them from the soil, an angel appeared, reported to be Gabriel himself, and told him that he could translate the runes engraved in the tablet by looking at them through a jar of Robinson’s Strawberry Jam and it would endow upon him the gifts enjoyed by Jesus.

Adams friend, 48, who was a friend to Adam and wishes to remain anonymous, told the Barrow Evening Mail that Adam “Had translated the tablets as best he could. The first type of instruction that was uncovered was ‘Walking on Water’. I was there when he tried it out. We filled the bath and Adam did this little incantation and then stepped on the surface of the water. It was amazing, it was like ice, he just stood there, like floating.” Brian continued, “I left after that, my mind was blown.”

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Balloon Bombardment over Barrow

Express Delivery
Express Delivery

Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.

In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”

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Askam Councils Controversial Construction

Hitler Enjoying Askam
Hitler Enjoying Askam

Askam Parish Council have issued an apology to the residents after documents were unearthed showing the true reason for the works taking place to the old ‘bus stop’. Official documents were submitted and displayed to the change of use, from bus shelter to public recreation ground. The council Chief had said at a full council meeting that the reclamation of the area would, “remove the eyesore that has dominated the vista from the Co-op and replace it with a luxurious view equal to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Taj Mahal or Christ the Redeemer statue above Rio De Janeiro”.

However, the Barrow Evening Mail has since put in a Freedom of Information request to the Planning Authorities that shows that they will indeed add another concrete planter, but the plans also include an exact replica of the wartime bunker belonging to Hitler. The grounds to the museum shall feature a fifteen foot statue of the Fuhrer, riding the back of a Valkyrie, whilst eating a Mabel’s meat and potato pie. The frontage will be based on the Reichstag Government building in Berlin which will lead downstairs to the control centre of the Nazi War Machine.

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Barrow Man Misses Monumental Moment

Window Cleaner Falling
Window Cleaner Falling

A minor faux pas was today something of a huge global phenomenon as a short movie was sent around the world on all social platforms. Twitter had to reboot all of its servers, Facebook was left with millions of empty status updates about breakfasts and cats and MySpace was (as always) devoid of everything except tumbleweed, as nearly one billion people tried to stream the video.

Mark Gavertonson, 17, from Darwin Street, Barrow, was surprised to find the worlds media camped outside his house. After pushing past BBCs Mark Easton  and kicking Emily Maitland he managed to push through the front door and take refuge in the living room. Mark, 21 called the Barrow Evening Mail and gave us the exclusive interview and photo shoot, although he wasn’t sure what was happening.

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Poo Pile Poses Problem

Eggstraordinary
Eggstraordinary

Chaos was the watchword today as Dalton came to a standstill. Residents looked on in horror as a HGV, loaded with the world’s largest Egg Sandwich trundled through the town centre.

The wide load had begun its journey from a factory unit just outside of Kendal; however problems only started to occur when the vehicle had to slow down when passing through Ulverston. The escort driver at the rear had noticed that the cellophane wrapping had been ripped apart when passing some low hung branches on the A590. When the vehicle was brought to a halt, just outside of the Roxy Cinema, Seagulls flocked in to take a feed.

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