The National Retail Association of Great Britain contacted The Barrow Evening Mail this week to warn of a major worldwide shortage in the supply of Jammie Dodgers. It is claimed that the whole of the biscuit manufacturing sector will lose profits of up to ninety five percent as the ingredients become scarce.
The whole of the biscuit manufacturing body have launched an investigation into the situation after claims that a Barrow man is at the heart of the problem. They stated that he had inserted a decimal point into the wrong column on the order form from Burton’s Biscuit Company and that resulted in the main supplier cutting its production of ingredients. Burtons received only fifty gallons of jam instead of five hundred thousand gallons. Burtons say they are scouring the world and the known universe for further supplies, but that they are not willing to go where no man has been before.
In a strange twist of fate, Adam Morrington, 21, from North Row, became the first known man to be eaten by the food he was preparing to eat. The Barrow born Barrovian had been digging in his garden when he stumbled across two golden tablets. On retrieving them from the soil, an angel appeared, reported to be Gabriel himself, and told him that he could translate the runes engraved in the tablet by looking at them through a jar of Robinson’s Strawberry Jam and it would endow upon him the gifts enjoyed by Jesus.
Adams friend, 48, who was a friend to Adam and wishes to remain anonymous, told the Barrow Evening Mail that Adam “Had translated the tablets as best he could. The first type of instruction that was uncovered was ‘Walking on Water’. I was there when he tried it out. We filled the bath and Adam did this little incantation and then stepped on the surface of the water. It was amazing, it was like ice, he just stood there, like floating.” Brian continued, “I left after that, my mind was blown.”
Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.
In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”
A minor faux pas was today something of a huge global phenomenon as a short movie was sent around the world on all social platforms. Twitter had to reboot all of its servers, Facebook was left with millions of empty status updates about breakfasts and cats and MySpace was (as always) devoid of everything except tumbleweed, as nearly one billion people tried to stream the video.
Mark Gavertonson, 17, from Darwin Street, Barrow, was surprised to find the worlds media camped outside his house. After pushing past BBCs Mark Easton and kicking Emily Maitland he managed to push through the front door and take refuge in the living room. Mark, 21 called the Barrow Evening Mail and gave us the exclusive interview and photo shoot, although he wasn’t sure what was happening.
Barrow Borough Council has been at the forefront of a major attack today by constituents demanding answers to the questions that they were trying to ask. Mrs Fallowdish, 54, demanded a response to her questions regarding the state of the potholes outside her house, which are now gathering outside her house and causing all sorts of noise nuisance ranging from “Loud Hip Hop-pity music to aggressive belching, not to mention the obvious drug use.”
Mrs Fallowdish, 71 and her friend Miss Dallowfish, 27, marched in to the Barrow Evening Mail Headquarters supporting sandwich boards around their necks containing the remnants of a prawn mayo baguette and three bean wrap respectively, and shouted at the Receptionist, demanding to see the Editor. After making his way downstairs he was confronted by the two said women who continued on about the state of their domestic arrangements and the fact that they couldn’t sleep at night due to the obvious immigrant potholes. “Coming over here in their droves, they should be made to stay in their own countries roads.”
In a shock green move, Barrow Council along with South Lakeland District Council has announced a radical approach to energy creation. In a secret meeting which lasted well into the early hours, the peoples representatives decided that as a unilateral move they would increase their green energy by at least 43%.
Many methods to achieve this were discussed but eventually they arrived at the decision which pleased the power mongers and also determined that they would remain in position regardless of an election.
Any first born child will be requested to attend an attendance course at what is being called the ‘New Police Station’. The building, which is nearly complete and will be opened within months, has been discovered by the Barrow Evening Mail to be, in fact, a Power Station. Underneath the public façade is a large maze of tunnels, each leading to several halls housing multiple ‘Hamster Wheels’. These wheels will be the generating power by the use of human endeavour.
It has been revealed that the Town Hall does not exist and has not been there since 1973 when it was sold to an anonymous American business man. Anybody who has visited the building since then has been a victim of deceit and they should wipe the memory out of their memory before they start to believe it. Anybody still believing it will be removed from their family and placed in the reality suite in the Hidden Torture Hotel.
The Council, in its unflinching manner has created a separate crime for Family Town Hall Deniers where if a member of a family does not report a Still Believer then they will be made to pick two family members for a three year holiday in the Hidden Torture Hotel. The holiday will not feature flapjacks or custard.
A protest has been organised that will bring Dalton Road to a standstill. The group behind the mass rally have announced themselves as being named Barrow First. They told our reporter that the “Immigrants were taking over the place. They demand houses to live in and hospitals to treat them and they spread out taking more of our natural resources. And then they have the cheek to tell us to go back from where we came from.” Although they wouldn’t tell us their names, the would be spokesman did pass the Reporter a business card of the Leader.
Calling the mobile number on the card a rough sounding Lady answered and hastily arranged a meeting on the top of the multistory Car Park, “You will know who it is by the group of Henchmen that surrounds our Leader.” she told us. So, parking on the top level we got out of the car to be greeted not by a bunch of white, working class thugs, but a contingent from the local Gull population. “We are Barrow First. We demand our rights and our town back.” was the first thing that spewed forth from the Leaders beak. Not withstanding the fact that we were confronted with a talking gull, his mannerism was gruff and his words non compromising. “We were here first. Our people demand a return to the good old days when the bird population were of good northern stock and our women folk were treated with respect.” He carried on, “You lot came here putting up your buildings and tarmacking the land. First it was a few mud huts and we decided to live in unison with the human kind, but now, you are demanding culls and voting on forcet feeding us birth control. Its wrong. And now we are standing up to you. We demand our space.”
Barrow AFC have announced a statue of their pre war mascot has been commissioned by the management team. Fundraising has begun and the hope is that Barrow AFC can raise a total of £120,000 by Febuary 2015 to allow them to get a mould made. A further £347,000 will be needed by the end of June 2015 to cast the full sized bronze effigy.
If anyone out there remembers Barrovian Boris the Battling Badger they will have fond memories of watching the mascot pretend to beat up the opposition players. The riotous acts of Boris kept the crowds entertained before, during and after the game. It was reported that after one particular cup game, he performed for nearly thirty six hours. His silly walk and pretend trips had the locals and visiting fans rolling in the stands.
After Barrow Town Centre fell into the trap of hosting its own Black Friday event and receiving criticism from thousands of voters, a local Councillor has explained “We encouraged shops to get into the spirit of the Black Friday Selling Frenzy as a method of expanding the cultural experience of our residents.” The Council thought that it would be a good idea as the town already hosts a European Market and they believed that this way they could welcome the American friends.
However criticism has arisen over the amount of bodies that had to be cleaned off the streets and the resulting queue at Furness General Hospital, which still hasn’t receded. “Black Friday was a waste of time”, said Steve Wounder, 36 from Barrow Island, “I didn’t get a single thing off my Christmas List. Nothing was discounted. However I did manage to punch three pensioners and a small boy. That was fun.”