It has been revealed that the Town Hall does not exist and has not been there since 1973 when it was sold to an anonymous American business man. Anybody who has visited the building since then has been a victim of deceit and they should wipe the memory out of their memory before they start to believe it. Anybody still believing it will be removed from their family and placed in the reality suite in the Hidden Torture Hotel.
The Council, in its unflinching manner has created a separate crime for Family Town Hall Deniers where if a member of a family does not report a Still Believer then they will be made to pick two family members for a three year holiday in the Hidden Torture Hotel. The holiday will not feature flapjacks or custard.
In a dramatic rescue overnight, Mr Stan Hillbourne, 71, from Queen Street, Dalton was rescued dramatically. The ex BAE worker suffered no injuries but was taken from his home in the middle of the night and driven to Furness General Hospital where he has had close observations in fear of a bout of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Doctors and Paramedics were put on high alert as the pensioner was ambulanced in with lights flashing and sirens screaming; the Doctors did try and ask Mr Hillbourne, 52 to put down the torch and stop discharging the Air Horn, but this was unsuccessful as he couldn’t hear due to the noise he was making.
The pensioner had called 111, the NHS non emergency hotline, after allowing a biscuit to be left in hot tea for too long and it breaking off, sinking to the bottom of the mug. Stan, 42, said “I tried to explain the situation and I’m sure the girl didn’t understand my accent. She was, of course, a foreigner, somewhere like Millom or Workington, but the next thing I know there was an ambulance outside and two paramedics carrying a spinal injury board. I felt like a right idiot. I grabbed my torch and air horn and thought I had better go with them.”
A protest has been organised that will bring Dalton Road to a standstill. The group behind the mass rally have announced themselves as being named Barrow First. They told our reporter that the “Immigrants were taking over the place. They demand houses to live in and hospitals to treat them and they spread out taking more of our natural resources. And then they have the cheek to tell us to go back from where we came from.” Although they wouldn’t tell us their names, the would be spokesman did pass the Reporter a business card of the Leader.
Calling the mobile number on the card a rough sounding Lady answered and hastily arranged a meeting on the top of the multistory Car Park, “You will know who it is by the group of Henchmen that surrounds our Leader.” she told us. So, parking on the top level we got out of the car to be greeted not by a bunch of white, working class thugs, but a contingent from the local Gull population. “We are Barrow First. We demand our rights and our town back.” was the first thing that spewed forth from the Leaders beak. Not withstanding the fact that we were confronted with a talking gull, his mannerism was gruff and his words non compromising. “We were here first. Our people demand a return to the good old days when the bird population were of good northern stock and our women folk were treated with respect.” He carried on, “You lot came here putting up your buildings and tarmacking the land. First it was a few mud huts and we decided to live in unison with the human kind, but now, you are demanding culls and voting on forcet feeding us birth control. Its wrong. And now we are standing up to you. We demand our space.”
Barrow AFC have announced a statue of their pre war mascot has been commissioned by the management team. Fundraising has begun and the hope is that Barrow AFC can raise a total of £120,000 by Febuary 2015 to allow them to get a mould made. A further £347,000 will be needed by the end of June 2015 to cast the full sized bronze effigy.
If anyone out there remembers Barrovian Boris the Battling Badger they will have fond memories of watching the mascot pretend to beat up the opposition players. The riotous acts of Boris kept the crowds entertained before, during and after the game. It was reported that after one particular cup game, he performed for nearly thirty six hours. His silly walk and pretend trips had the locals and visiting fans rolling in the stands.
After Barrow Town Centre fell into the trap of hosting its own Black Friday event and receiving criticism from thousands of voters, a local Councillor has explained “We encouraged shops to get into the spirit of the Black Friday Selling Frenzy as a method of expanding the cultural experience of our residents.” The Council thought that it would be a good idea as the town already hosts a European Market and they believed that this way they could welcome the American friends.
However criticism has arisen over the amount of bodies that had to be cleaned off the streets and the resulting queue at Furness General Hospital, which still hasn’t receded. “Black Friday was a waste of time”, said Steve Wounder, 36 from Barrow Island, “I didn’t get a single thing off my Christmas List. Nothing was discounted. However I did manage to punch three pensioners and a small boy. That was fun.”
It has been revealed that the salt stock thought to be held by Barrow Council has been stolen sometime between April and the end of November. The discovery was made when the security guard clocked into work at 8am this morning.
“The whole lot had gone, totally disappeared. When I left it in April it was there, when I came back this morning, nothing. Nothing at all.” reported the Security Guard. It was confirmed by the Mayor that all the salt had indeed disappeared, she informed us that “It was there in April and when this guy came back today, it was gone.” She continued to say “We believe it’s the work of the notorious Furness gang The Condamentalists. We have informed the Police and they are not looking into it, because there’s nothing there.”
To celebrate ‘Post It Note Week and a Half’, Barrow Council are proposing to commission the largest Post It note ever manufactured. A feasibility study has been conducted and it is believed that with the help of a few local firms it will be able to produce a Note somewhere in the region of 9000sq/m. This is equivalent to at least four Mars Bars wrappers (of the modern size – and not the original size).
The Council approached both Kimberley Clarke and Little Tonys Tyre Emporium to help in the physical demands of such a monumental task. It was reported by Barrow Council Project Manager that both companies were open to the suggestion, but it would need to look further into the detailed feasibility study which would follow the feasibility study to see if the detailed feasibility study would not be a waste of money.
Excitement rose today in Barrow Town Centre when it was announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would be a possible to open another new Tattoo shop. The owners, Grant Banana, 28 and Ivan Frog, 91, said they had been in touch with the celebrity couple and they were waiting for a reply.
The Barrow Evening Mail heard of the revelation when a hoard of screaming girls arrived outside the Office door demanding more information. As this was the first we had heard of it we went in search of the duo Grant, 98, and Ivan, 19, to find the truth behind such an A list acquisition. We found them in Diggles enjoying a pie and a cappuccino.
Anger was boiling in the Town Hall today when a motion was carried to outlaw the extreme fundamentalist group Tears In Tarmac (TIT) from operating within the Furness Peninsula. Their outrageous tactics have been putting lives at risk. They are objecting to the upgrading of local roads due to their belief that every square foot of tarmac created helps the US Government promote the use of Drones through out the hotspots of the world.
Mrs Shumberg, 72, of Dark Closet Road, told the Barrow Evening Mail, that the Pentagon had been buying shares in Tarmac Plants as the perfect cover for their involvement in the open markets. She reported that many companies were under full control of the Americans and that because the shares were bought under several proxy buyers, they thought the deceit would never come to life. But late one night, when Mrs Shumberg, 72, was trying to order another Orange Blossom Lipstick through the Avon website, she had accidently found herself in the main frame server of the NSA. She found a document showing that the share options of all the Worlds Tarmac Manufacturers were in the name of A Merica or Erica Am. With a little more digging she exposed the profits gained from the shares were being dumped into new software companies who supplied Top Secret Programs to the US Forces.
A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’.
The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op.
“Yeb, I’mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. It’s boss”.