Our Reporter has been holidaying with a trip to the Vatican City, and after a few days of sitting around doing nothing much but picking at their feet, cleaning ears and nose and scratching their armpits, they decided they had had enough rest and began to look into a rumour that had been ‘doing the rounds’ in Askam. To their surprise they discovered that a local resident is on the list to become a Saint. The process involves the proving of miracles and the cataloguing of selfless acts that have taken place in their name. Although the Vatican has issued a warning of legal proceedings if we name the person in question, we can reveal that they are closely connected to the Parish Council.
In a document recovered by the reporter it states that one of the miracles in question is the creation of thirteen Marrows, all containing individual images of the disciples, plus Christ, at the table of the Last Supper. When placed around a cauliflower it is believed to make a full tableau depicting the religious event. The vegetables were presented at last year’s Harvest Festival celebrations, but the judges missed the significance, only saying, “They look a little on the small side.” The soon to be Saint took a picture of his vegetables and sent it directly to the Pope who endorsed the collection as definite proof that Jesus lived and preached in and around Askam and Ireleth.
In a strange twist of fate, Adam Morrington, 21, from North Row, became the first known man to be eaten by the food he was preparing to eat. The Barrow born Barrovian had been digging in his garden when he stumbled across two golden tablets. On retrieving them from the soil, an angel appeared, reported to be Gabriel himself, and told him that he could translate the runes engraved in the tablet by looking at them through a jar of Robinson’s Strawberry Jam and it would endow upon him the gifts enjoyed by Jesus.
Adams friend, 48, who was a friend to Adam and wishes to remain anonymous, told the Barrow Evening Mail that Adam “Had translated the tablets as best he could. The first type of instruction that was uncovered was ‘Walking on Water’. I was there when he tried it out. We filled the bath and Adam did this little incantation and then stepped on the surface of the water. It was amazing, it was like ice, he just stood there, like floating.” Brian continued, “I left after that, my mind was blown.”
Kirby Dairy Farmer, Malcolm Muckspread, 48, has caused havoc with the landing schedule at Walney Aerodrome by devising a novel method of delivering his daily ‘pinta’. The Air Traffic Controllers had to stack sixty three Jumbo 757s in a five mile high spiral over the Barrow area after the flight path was inundated with what were first thought of as UFOs. Another thirty planes were diverted to Blackpool Airport which was hurriedly reopened to accept the incoming traffic.
In a bid to cut down on his workload and at the same time expand his delivery service, the Farmer, 73, conceived the idea of the ‘homing balloon’. Modern drone technology was employed by attaching the ‘return to base’ function to the balloons which were each set with the coordinates of the recipient customer. Mr Muckspread said, “I don’ se’tah problem in’t way ayes goin’ ’bout d’liverin’t milk, ain’t effec’in’ mesen. Ayes cun stay in’t me bed ferra gud extra ‘our or two.”
Askam Parish Council have issued an apology to the residents after documents were unearthed showing the true reason for the works taking place to the old ‘bus stop’. Official documents were submitted and displayed to the change of use, from bus shelter to public recreation ground. The council Chief had said at a full council meeting that the reclamation of the area would, “remove the eyesore that has dominated the vista from the Co-op and replace it with a luxurious view equal to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Taj Mahal or Christ the Redeemer statue above Rio De Janeiro”.
However, the Barrow Evening Mail has since put in a Freedom of Information request to the Planning Authorities that shows that they will indeed add another concrete planter, but the plans also include an exact replica of the wartime bunker belonging to Hitler. The grounds to the museum shall feature a fifteen foot statue of the Fuhrer, riding the back of a Valkyrie, whilst eating a Mabel’s meat and potato pie. The frontage will be based on the Reichstag Government building in Berlin which will lead downstairs to the control centre of the Nazi War Machine.
A minor faux pas was today something of a huge global phenomenon as a short movie was sent around the world on all social platforms. Twitter had to reboot all of its servers, Facebook was left with millions of empty status updates about breakfasts and cats and MySpace was (as always) devoid of everything except tumbleweed, as nearly one billion people tried to stream the video.
Mark Gavertonson, 17, from Darwin Street, Barrow, was surprised to find the worlds media camped outside his house. After pushing past BBCs Mark Easton and kicking Emily Maitland he managed to push through the front door and take refuge in the living room. Mark, 21 called the Barrow Evening Mail and gave us the exclusive interview and photo shoot, although he wasn’t sure what was happening.
Chaos was the watchword today as Dalton came to a standstill. Residents looked on in horror as a HGV, loaded with the world’s largest Egg Sandwich trundled through the town centre.
The wide load had begun its journey from a factory unit just outside of Kendal; however problems only started to occur when the vehicle had to slow down when passing through Ulverston. The escort driver at the rear had noticed that the cellophane wrapping had been ripped apart when passing some low hung branches on the A590. When the vehicle was brought to a halt, just outside of the Roxy Cinema, Seagulls flocked in to take a feed.
Barrow Borough Council has been at the forefront of a major attack today by constituents demanding answers to the questions that they were trying to ask. Mrs Fallowdish, 54, demanded a response to her questions regarding the state of the potholes outside her house, which are now gathering outside her house and causing all sorts of noise nuisance ranging from “Loud Hip Hop-pity music to aggressive belching, not to mention the obvious drug use.”
Mrs Fallowdish, 71 and her friend Miss Dallowfish, 27, marched in to the Barrow Evening Mail Headquarters supporting sandwich boards around their necks containing the remnants of a prawn mayo baguette and three bean wrap respectively, and shouted at the Receptionist, demanding to see the Editor. After making his way downstairs he was confronted by the two said women who continued on about the state of their domestic arrangements and the fact that they couldn’t sleep at night due to the obvious immigrant potholes. “Coming over here in their droves, they should be made to stay in their own countries roads.”
In a shock green move, Barrow Council along with South Lakeland District Council has announced a radical approach to energy creation. In a secret meeting which lasted well into the early hours, the peoples representatives decided that as a unilateral move they would increase their green energy by at least 43%.
Many methods to achieve this were discussed but eventually they arrived at the decision which pleased the power mongers and also determined that they would remain in position regardless of an election.
Any first born child will be requested to attend an attendance course at what is being called the ‘New Police Station’. The building, which is nearly complete and will be opened within months, has been discovered by the Barrow Evening Mail to be, in fact, a Power Station. Underneath the public façade is a large maze of tunnels, each leading to several halls housing multiple ‘Hamster Wheels’. These wheels will be the generating power by the use of human endeavour.
It has been revealed that the Town Hall does not exist and has not been there since 1973 when it was sold to an anonymous American business man. Anybody who has visited the building since then has been a victim of deceit and they should wipe the memory out of their memory before they start to believe it. Anybody still believing it will be removed from their family and placed in the reality suite in the Hidden Torture Hotel.
The Council, in its unflinching manner has created a separate crime for Family Town Hall Deniers where if a member of a family does not report a Still Believer then they will be made to pick two family members for a three year holiday in the Hidden Torture Hotel. The holiday will not feature flapjacks or custard.
A Millom man, Andre the Mole, as he is known around his home town of Millom, 39, decided to eat himself from the feet up after a dream. The vision began with an ethereal glow emanating from a previous weeks discarded Corn Flakes bowl and then rose, pausing only slightly to take a look at the Athena Tennis Girl poster, it then hovered ethereally above the bed of Andre. He said “I‘m not sure if it was a dream or some sort of apparition, but it looked so much like an ethereal glow that I thought “My god, that’s an ethereal glow” and whether that was in a dream or an apparition based in a semi conscious state of semi-consciousness, I’m not sure,”
“The Ethereal Glow told me that I must begin to eat myself from the feet up, leaving one arm and head to the last.” Andre appeared genuine in his belief that the events had actually happened and to prove it he took a pair of garden shears and removed one of his toes. The Barrow Evening Mail reporter was shocked, but remained calm before asking him if he was put off by eating his own flesh. “I’ve thought about it for a couple of days now, and no, I decided to poach certain elements, like my toes, fingers etc. in a nice red wine and garlic jus. I just feel that I’m being called for something greater.”