After Barrow Town Centre fell into the trap of hosting its own Black Friday event and receiving criticism from thousands of voters, a local Councillor has explained “We encouraged shops to get into the spirit of the Black Friday Selling Frenzy as a method of expanding the cultural experience of our residents.” The Council thought that it would be a good idea as the town already hosts a European Market and they believed that this way they could welcome the American friends.
However criticism has arisen over the amount of bodies that had to be cleaned off the streets and the resulting queue at Furness General Hospital, which still hasn’t receded. “Black Friday was a waste of time”, said Steve Wounder, 36 from Barrow Island, “I didn’t get a single thing off my Christmas List. Nothing was discounted. However I did manage to punch three pensioners and a small boy. That was fun.”
It has been revealed that the salt stock thought to be held by Barrow Council has been stolen sometime between April and the end of November. The discovery was made when the security guard clocked into work at 8am this morning.
“The whole lot had gone, totally disappeared. When I left it in April it was there, when I came back this morning, nothing. Nothing at all.” reported the Security Guard. It was confirmed by the Mayor that all the salt had indeed disappeared, she informed us that “It was there in April and when this guy came back today, it was gone.” She continued to say “We believe it’s the work of the notorious Furness gang The Condamentalists. We have informed the Police and they are not looking into it, because there’s nothing there.”
To celebrate ‘Post It Note Week and a Half’, Barrow Council are proposing to commission the largest Post It note ever manufactured. A feasibility study has been conducted and it is believed that with the help of a few local firms it will be able to produce a Note somewhere in the region of 9000sq/m. This is equivalent to at least four Mars Bars wrappers (of the modern size – and not the original size).
The Council approached both Kimberley Clarke and Little Tonys Tyre Emporium to help in the physical demands of such a monumental task. It was reported by Barrow Council Project Manager that both companies were open to the suggestion, but it would need to look further into the detailed feasibility study which would follow the feasibility study to see if the detailed feasibility study would not be a waste of money.
Excitement rose today in Barrow Town Centre when it was announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would be a possible to open another new Tattoo shop. The owners, Grant Banana, 28 and Ivan Frog, 91, said they had been in touch with the celebrity couple and they were waiting for a reply.
The Barrow Evening Mail heard of the revelation when a hoard of screaming girls arrived outside the Office door demanding more information. As this was the first we had heard of it we went in search of the duo Grant, 98, and Ivan, 19, to find the truth behind such an A list acquisition. We found them in Diggles enjoying a pie and a cappuccino.
Anger was boiling in the Town Hall today when a motion was carried to outlaw the extreme fundamentalist group Tears In Tarmac (TIT) from operating within the Furness Peninsula. Their outrageous tactics have been putting lives at risk. They are objecting to the upgrading of local roads due to their belief that every square foot of tarmac created helps the US Government promote the use of Drones through out the hotspots of the world.
Mrs Shumberg, 72, of Dark Closet Road, told the Barrow Evening Mail, that the Pentagon had been buying shares in Tarmac Plants as the perfect cover for their involvement in the open markets. She reported that many companies were under full control of the Americans and that because the shares were bought under several proxy buyers, they thought the deceit would never come to life. But late one night, when Mrs Shumberg, 72, was trying to order another Orange Blossom Lipstick through the Avon website, she had accidently found herself in the main frame server of the NSA. She found a document showing that the share options of all the Worlds Tarmac Manufacturers were in the name of A Merica or Erica Am. With a little more digging she exposed the profits gained from the shares were being dumped into new software companies who supplied Top Secret Programs to the US Forces.
A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’.
The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op.
“Yeb, I’mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. It’s boss”.
People frequenting Barrow Park may not have noticed the Ducks congregating in small packs around the Lake, but it has now been confirmed, by a mole, that there are factions at work. Each pack is out for full dominance of the Lake.
Although scarcely believable, we sent a reporter to the area to see if they could shed some light on the rumours. At first they were greeted with a wall of silence, but with verbal skill and cunning (and a loaf of bread) they managed to make contact with the Leaders of the factions.
The French Supreme Court today issued a decree that the Parish of Askam and Ireleth actually belong to them and they have demanded the return of their land. Their claim lies on the fact that during the Napoleonic era, while the major battles were raging across Europe, an elite unit of Napoleons Army landed on the beach and claimed the land for the French.
We put a reporter onto the case to see if the claim could stand up in the European Courts; we sent him to sunny Brittany, or so he informed us. In the Abbey of Mont St Michelle there is a manuscript that shows the decree signed by Napoleon to despatch the men. It is also documented that the church had financed the boat and the wages of the men. The great scholar Demitris Thurclios believes that the Pope was annoyed that the Furness Monks had stretched their influence so wide, therefore undermining the Pontiff.
A shock announcement this week came from Cumbria County Council, when it declared that the new turbines, built off the Furness Peninsula, had a dual purpose: to create a green energy and boost the tourism potential of the local area.
Their proposal states that the power created by the nearest twenty turbines would be fed directly into a propeller at the base of each tower. The propellers would then, in turn, advance the wave making process, therefore providing a natural haven for the amateur and professional surfer.