A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’.
The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op.
“Yeb, I’mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. It’s boss”.
People frequenting Barrow Park may not have noticed the Ducks congregating in small packs around the Lake, but it has now been confirmed, by a mole, that there are factions at work. Each pack is out for full dominance of the Lake.
Although scarcely believable, we sent a reporter to the area to see if they could shed some light on the rumours. At first they were greeted with a wall of silence, but with verbal skill and cunning (and a loaf of bread) they managed to make contact with the Leaders of the factions.
Police Chiefs have informed us that due to spending shortfalls in the previous years budget there will be a radical approach taken to cover the Furness area. Although extra officers are set to take up a local position, they believe that this will not be enough. It has been promised by the late autumn, that a new wave of crime fighters will be in place.
One hundred local cats have been signed up to be trained in the skills of surveillance and the deployment of arms. The cats are being taught to sniff out any person with criminal intent then follow them to the scene of a crime. When they arrive at the premises they will then radio in to the station where back up will be standing by. On receiving word another cat will be deployed carrying an AK47 Assault Rifle.
The French Supreme Court today issued a decree that the Parish of Askam and Ireleth actually belong to them and they have demanded the return of their land. Their claim lies on the fact that during the Napoleonic era, while the major battles were raging across Europe, an elite unit of Napoleons Army landed on the beach and claimed the land for the French.
We put a reporter onto the case to see if the claim could stand up in the European Courts; we sent him to sunny Brittany, or so he informed us. In the Abbey of Mont St Michelle there is a manuscript that shows the decree signed by Napoleon to despatch the men. It is also documented that the church had financed the boat and the wages of the men. The great scholar Demitris Thurclios believes that the Pope was annoyed that the Furness Monks had stretched their influence so wide, therefore undermining the Pontiff.
The Barrow Evening Mail is proud to announce that the Village has won a national award. ‘Crazy Golf Course Free Village Of The Year’. The sponsors of the competition were pleased to hand over the trophy to the Parish Council Chairman at a star-studded concert.
The evening began with U2 taking to the Band Hall stage, with their brand new single, ‘Crazy Golf Courses Are The Bain Of Our Lives.’ Next up, the Whinfield Gardens Pogo Dance Formation Team dazzled the audience with acrobatics beyond their age, using a medley of classic Sex Pistols tracks. After a brief performance from the DSS (Dalemount Station Singers), the trophy was brought out onto the stage. The 10ft solid gold representation of Venus eating cheese brought a gasp of astonishment. The Chairman beamed throughout the handover. Addressing the audience, Askam’s Glorious Leader said he was proud to accept the award on behalf of the workers and looks forward to melting it down and going to Bali on the proceeds.
A shock announcement this week came from Cumbria County Council, when it declared that the new turbines, built off the Furness Peninsula, had a dual purpose: to create a green energy and boost the tourism potential of the local area.
Their proposal states that the power created by the nearest twenty turbines would be fed directly into a propeller at the base of each tower. The propellers would then, in turn, advance the wave making process, therefore providing a natural haven for the amateur and professional surfer.
Every now and then somebody comes up with that sensational idea that we all take by the hand and skip in time with. Mr Baskerville, aged 63 of Deal Ave, Walney, has applied for a grant from the Neighbourhood Forum to host an evening of Disco and Leg Warmers to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the groundbreaking movie Flashdance.
Mr Baskerville wants to hire a local venue for the event and stage a full recreation of the movie featuring himself as Alex Owens (originally played by Jennifer Beals) and his Father, Gordon, as the then heartthrob role of Nick Hurley.
A rogue email is arriving in the inboxes of surfers through out Furness. The email suggests that you can be the proud owner of a rare piece of moon rock by just filling in the form supplied and emailing it back to the originator
Mrs Gromper, aged 83, replied to the email with great excitement, as she had been a budding astronomer since 1947, her Widower told us. Mr Gromper, aged 48, said that Jean did not fully read the terms and conditions and sent for the piece of rock, it was only later that the full extent of her mistake came to pass
Emergency services were nearly called out today after a horrific crash. The incident started at 2.15pm and lasted for a whole fifteen seconds when an unnamed man scraped his alloy wheel against the pavement, sending the occupent into a state of mild surprise. Calmly reacting to the emergency, he stepped out of the car and sighed quite heavily.
Staff operating the airport were said to be in a deep silence about the incident as we phoned several times without success. We surmised by the lack of response that they were trying to keep their emotions in check and it would undermine their community respect if they were seen to ‘blub like a big girls blouse’ over the carnage.
The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning people that ‘the town will be over run by the meandering brainless entities’ and it lists several ways of avoiding certain death.
On his list of ‘survival techniques’ he states ‘It will be best if you leave the area, however if you cannot do that, lock your doors and have a tin of Pineapple rings handy.’ The Barrow Evening Mail contacted Mr Swartz asking him to explain why householders needed a tin of pineapples and how he had managed to find the news about the rise of the zombies. He stated that the ‘Great Zombie Under The Ground’ interrupted a dream and told him to warn the citizens of Dalton so that avoidable deaths could be avoided. The tin containing the pineapple rings could be used as a weapon and thrown at the marauding un-dead. In a hushed tone, Mr Swartz added ‘the pineapple rings are actually my idea; they are my favourite fruit to eat with either ice cream or custard and I’m hoping that after the event there will be loads of tins laying around the town so I don’t have to buy any for at least a couple of months.’