Flashdance Back To The 80’s Grand Gala

Every now and then somebody comes up with that sensational idea that we all take by the hand and skip in time with. Mr Baskerville, aged 63 of Deal Ave, Walney, has applied for a grant from the Neighbourhood Forum to host an evening of Disco and Leg Warmers to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the groundbreaking movie Flashdance.

Mr Baskerville wants to hire a local venue for the event and stage a full recreation of the movie featuring himself as Alex Owens (originally played by Jennifer Beals) and his Father, Gordon, as the then heartthrob role of Nick Hurley.

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Ulverston Woman Moon Scam

A rogue email is arriving in the inboxes of surfers through out Furness.  The email suggests that you can be the proud owner of a rare piece of moon rock by just filling in the form supplied and emailing it back to the originator

Mrs Gromper, aged 83, replied to the email with great excitement, as she had been a budding astronomer since 1947, her Widower told us.  Mr Gromper, aged 48, said that Jean did not fully read the terms and conditions and sent for the piece of rock, it was only later that the full extent of her mistake came to pass

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Crash At Walney Aerodrome

Emergency services were nearly called out today after a horrific crash.  The incident started at 2.15pm and lasted for a whole fifteen seconds when an unnamed man scraped his alloy wheel against the pavement, sending the occupent into a state of mild surprise. Calmly reacting to the emergency, he stepped out of the car and sighed quite heavily.

Staff operating the airport were said to be in a deep silence about the incident as we phoned several times without success.  We surmised by the lack of response that they were trying to keep their emotions in check and it would undermine their community respect if they were seen to ‘blub like a big girls blouse’ over the carnage.

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Day Of The Dead Celebrated By Dalton Zombie

Dalton Zombies
Dalton Zombies

The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning people that ‘the town will be over run by the meandering brainless entities’ and it lists several ways of avoiding certain death.

On his list of ‘survival techniques’ he states ‘It will be best if you leave the area, however if you cannot do that, lock your doors and have a tin of Pineapple rings handy.’ The Barrow Evening Mail contacted Mr Swartz asking him to explain why householders needed a tin of pineapples and how he had managed to find the news about the rise of the zombies. He stated that the ‘Great Zombie Under The Ground’ interrupted a dream and told him to warn the citizens of Dalton so that avoidable deaths could be avoided. The tin containing the pineapple rings could be used as a weapon and thrown at the marauding un-dead. In a hushed tone, Mr Swartz added ‘the pineapple rings are actually my idea; they are my favourite fruit to eat with either ice cream or custard and I’m hoping that after the event there will be loads of tins laying around the town so I don’t have to buy any for at least a couple of months.’

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Missing Mammal Mauls Millom Mum

On Thursday Evening a Millom Woman, who has requested to remain nameless, aged 35, was making her way to Barrow Train Station, when she entered Dalton Road and was confonted by a ‘… large, powerful, black haired animal.’

The Millom Woman said, ‘I’m a big fan of Sir David Attenborough, so I used his technique of staying calm and trying not to startle the beast. Slowly I put my hand in my pocket to retrieve my Monster Repellent Spray that I got from thingsyouwillneverusebutjustincase.com, when I remembered I had never actually ordered it, but got the Emergency Hip Hop Emulator. The Monster didn’t appreciate my 1080 degree head spin and just pounced.’

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