Scientists Warn of New Plague

Green Cow
Green Cow

In a report on Climate Change, the University of Cambridge has declared that a new breed of Greenfly has been detected in a greenhouse near to the local Custard Factory. On the initial reading of the document it was stated that a one-off six-metre-long mutant Greenfly specimen had been breeding with Friesen Cows that had been in an adjacent field. The Greenfly, which was cornered and captured, had already mated before the capture.

Vet Richard Brownarm, 46, received the shock of his lifetime when he had been called by a local farmer, Mrs Cowkeep, 52, who had reported that one of his pregnant cows had got into difficulty. Mr Brownarm had turned up with the correct equipment, but the size of the ‘calf’ had taken him by surprise, and he had to go back to his office to get a medicinal glass of whiskey.

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Radio Enthusiast Halts Barrow

Farting For Peace
Farting For Peace

Local Radio Enthusiast, Trebor Spargone, 56 has been asked to leave Barrows own CandoFM 106.3 as his Breakfast Show got very personal on Thursday morning. What started off as an innocent situation, finally became both a health hazard to the students of Furness College, but also an accident black spot for the drivers driving past Furness College.

At the start of his 6 – 9am slot, which usually consists of weather, traffic, local news and, of course, a liberal supply of the top tunes, Trebor let out a small, but highly tuneful pump. Thinking that no one would have heard it over the top of his own voice, he carried on regardless. However, within minutes the switchboard was full of people both complaining and celebrating. Thinking that it might make for a humorous addition to the show, he invited two of the callers to have a chat together live on air.

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That Time Of Year Again

Pinball Wizard
Pinball Wizard

If it wasn’t that time of year, it would be another time of year, and if it wasn’t another time of year, it would be this time of year. With that said, we at the Barrow Evening Mail are moving forward into that time of year with a slightly raised level of Barrovian stupidity that has come about because it is ‘That time of year, again’.

When snow started falling across the county, Stuart O Commelly, 25, wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Stuart had recently moved back up from the south and was so excited that he ran out of his house and jumped into the first snow flurry of the season.

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Jam Sandwich Delivery System Tested

Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action
Jam Sandwich Delivery In Action

The management at BAE Barrow were today in celebratory mood when they received confirmation that the new Nuclear Submarines Humanitarian Delivery System had delivered its first batch of Jam Sandwich directly to the mouth of a Mrs Ethel Cosgrove, 94.

Boat four of the Astute Class, Audacious, was launched from Barrow Docks earlier this year and will be shortly conducting full trials off the coast of Scotland. Initially built to deliver nuclear weapons, it was adapted for humanitarian use in its late stages as the government fought to get the new Successor Class through Parliament. In response to criticism from Labour and the Lib Dems, the Conservatives made an about face and deemed one in every four submarines to be fitted with a food delivery system.

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Barrow Tops Countries GCSE Results

GCSE Success
GCSE Success

It was revealed today that the areas GCSE results have resulted in a spike in GCSE results. The area has gained a six-hundred percent net gain in those students gaining five GCSEs or more. Although this figure might sound farfetched as the national figure shows a slight downturn in GCSEs, it is Barrow that is bucking the trend and setting a bar for all other areas to achieve.

The Barrow Evening Mail went to speak to one of the Principals of a local school, wishing to remain nameless, he said, “It’s all to do with the introduction of a new curriculum. Whereas most of the country has stuck with the standard subjects you might find on the curriculum, we here decided to introduce a range of courses that reflected the skills of the area we live in.”

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Pie Jelly Given Freedom of Town

Pork Pie Freedom
Pork Pie Freedom

It was with a surprise announcement by Barrow Council that the Furness Folk of Furness had a surprise when the Council announced that the Jelly from a Pork Pie was to be given the highest honour the town could give.

The Mayor said verbally, in a written statement, that because of the actions of the Pork Pie Jelly in saving the life of David Manson, 52, it should be rewarded with the Freedom of Barrow and the ability to drive sheep over the bridge between Barrow and Walney.

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Bloke Blames Bacon For Bash

Bacon Clock
Bacon Clock

Friday morning was a morning to forget for ASDA shopper, Albert Cluug, 44, as the butterfly effect became evident after having his food delivery delivered by ASDA. Albert first began to realise that he was in a widely understood physics theory when he crashed into a car that should theoretically  not be present.

Albert, unmarried, had placed an order online and had suffered a couple of exchanges that at the time seemed innocent enough. He didn’t realise it but when he had his regular order of bacon exchanged for thin sliced gammon it would result in the accident. Albert explained “Every Tuesday morning I start the day with a bacon sandwich. I have done this for years. Toast on a Monday, bacon sandwich on a Tuesday, Cornflakes on a Wednesday”

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Trump To Tour Town

Trump Fayre
Trump Outside Brewers Fayre

A leaked Wikileaks document from WikiLeaks has been leaked that shows UK Prime Minister Theresa May, 31, has extended the brief of the official invite to include a meal at the Brewers Fayre Restaurant on North Road. It is believed that she has been a regular traveller to the area, visiting under the nom de plume of Becky Brightblue, as she has developed a taste for their Beef and Doom Bar Pudding.

In the document released through a sub category on the main WikiLeaks site, it states ‘Due to the exceptional quality of the Pudding, it was deemed that the area should be included on the State Visit’ adding, ‘the Queen has also been told to attend as Trump and Prince Phillip will get on like a house of fire’. The meal will be a forerunner to the state banquet held in Buckingham Palace.

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Chavtastic Chav Chavs It Up


It has been made official, Barrow is the home of the Chav. Whether you wear sweat pants or not, YOU are one of the chaviest chavs in the whole of the country. Yes…You!

The survey, that was published last week, states that teenagers within the Barrow area are 76% more likely to check their testicles three times over a period of two minutes than that of any other town in the world. A survey respondent, 54, who lives in Dalton wrote, ‘I see them walking down the street with their hands down their sweat pants, fiddling away, all the time. If I stand in Dalton Rd and complete a 360 degree sweep I can see a least four people checking to see if their testes are still there; and that’s just the girls’.

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Jammie Situation Causes Problematic Problem

Jammie Dodger
Jammie Dodger

The National Retail Association of Great Britain contacted The Barrow Evening Mail this week to warn of a major worldwide shortage in the supply of Jammie Dodgers. It is claimed that the whole of the biscuit manufacturing sector will lose profits of up to ninety five percent as the ingredients become scarce.

The whole of the biscuit manufacturing body have launched an investigation into the situation after claims that a Barrow man is at the heart of the problem. They stated that he had inserted a decimal point into the wrong column on the order form from Burton’s Biscuit Company and that resulted in the main supplier cutting its production of ingredients. Burtons received only fifty gallons of jam instead of five hundred thousand gallons. Burtons say they are scouring the world and the known universe for further supplies, but that they are not willing to go where no man has been before.

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