Scientists Warn of New Plague

Green Cow
Green Cow

In a report on Climate Change, the University of Cambridge has declared that a new breed of Greenfly has been detected in a greenhouse near to the local Custard Factory. On the initial reading of the document it was stated that a one-off six-metre-long mutant Greenfly specimen had been breeding with Friesen Cows that had been in an adjacent field. The Greenfly, which was cornered and captured, had already mated before the capture.

Vet Richard Brownarm, 46, received the shock of his lifetime when he had been called by a local farmer, Mrs Cowkeep, 52, who had reported that one of his pregnant cows had got into difficulty. Mr Brownarm had turned up with the correct equipment, but the size of the ‘calf’ had taken him by surprise, and he had to go back to his office to get a medicinal glass of whiskey.

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Skateboarding Grandad Attempts Speed Record

Skate Record
Skate Record

In an attempt to keep up with not only the Jones’s, but also with the yoof of today, Mr Grant Fundamental, 103, Lindal’s oldest resident (except for his father) climbed aboard a skateboard and attempted to beat the Worlds Skateboard Speed Record. The record stood at 91.17 mph and was set by Peter Connelly of the UK.

His interest had been peaked by his Great, Great Grandson, Ronaldo Ranoldo after watching him try to perform a ‘triple round donkey push’ off the kitchen windsill. Grant, 106, told us “I watched him again and again and again try to perform this seldom attempted trick, and to his credit, he finally achieved it after the 973rd attempt. The poor lad hadn’t eaten for three days”

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Trump To Tour Town

Trump Fayre
Trump Outside Brewers Fayre

A leaked Wikileaks document from WikiLeaks has been leaked that shows UK Prime Minister Theresa May, 31, has extended the brief of the official invite to include a meal at the Brewers Fayre Restaurant on North Road. It is believed that she has been a regular traveller to the area, visiting under the nom de plume of Becky Brightblue, as she has developed a taste for their Beef and Doom Bar Pudding.

In the document released through a sub category on the main WikiLeaks site, it states ‘Due to the exceptional quality of the Pudding, it was deemed that the area should be included on the State Visit’ adding, ‘the Queen has also been told to attend as Trump and Prince Phillip will get on like a house of fire’. The meal will be a forerunner to the state banquet held in Buckingham Palace.

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Chavtastic Chav Chavs It Up

Chavtastic
Chavtastic

It has been made official, Barrow is the home of the Chav. Whether you wear sweat pants or not, YOU are one of the chaviest chavs in the whole of the country. Yes…You!

The survey, that was published last week, states that teenagers within the Barrow area are 76% more likely to check their testicles three times over a period of two minutes than that of any other town in the world. A survey respondent, 54, who lives in Dalton wrote, ‘I see them walking down the street with their hands down their sweat pants, fiddling away, all the time. If I stand in Dalton Rd and complete a 360 degree sweep I can see a least four people checking to see if their testes are still there; and that’s just the girls’.

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Broughton Burglar Baffles Bobbies

A spate of burglaries has hit Broughton shocking the locals. Three houses have been targeted in a bizarre manner the Police describe as “unusual.” The houses were all entered between the hours of twelve and five in the morning whilst the home owners slept.

Each house had been entered using the same method, a circular hole created in the exact centre of the front door. Although no obvious damage was discovered each home owner was adamant that they had never installed a stained glass window and it had just appeared.

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Post It Properly

To celebrate ‘Post It Note Week and a Half’, Barrow Council are proposing to commission the largest Post It note ever manufactured. A feasibility study has been conducted and it is believed that with the help of a few local firms it will be able to produce a Note somewhere in the region of 9000sq/m. This is equivalent to at least four Mars Bars wrappers (of the modern size – and not the original size).

The Council approached both Kimberley Clarke and Little Tonys Tyre Emporium to help in the physical demands of such a monumental task. It was reported by Barrow Council Project Manager that both companies were open to the suggestion, but it would need to look further into the detailed feasibility study which would follow the feasibility study to see if the detailed feasibility study would not be a waste of money.

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Branjolina Bothers Barrow

Excitement rose today in Barrow Town Centre when it was announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would be a possible to open another new Tattoo shop. The owners, Grant Banana, 28 and Ivan Frog, 91, said they had been in touch with the celebrity couple and they were waiting for a reply.

The Barrow Evening Mail heard of the revelation when a hoard of screaming girls arrived outside the Office door demanding more information. As this was the first we had heard of it we went in search of the duo Grant, 98, and Ivan, 19, to find the truth behind such an A list acquisition. We found them in Diggles enjoying a pie and a cappuccino.

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Terror Related Threat In Our Streets

Anger was boiling in the Town Hall today when a motion was carried to outlaw the extreme fundamentalist group Tears In Tarmac (TIT) from operating within the Furness Peninsula. Their outrageous tactics have been putting lives at risk. They are objecting to the upgrading of local roads due to their belief that every square foot of tarmac created helps the US Government promote the use of Drones through out the hotspots of the world.

Mrs Shumberg, 72, of Dark Closet Road, told the Barrow Evening Mail, that the Pentagon had been buying shares in Tarmac Plants as the perfect cover for their involvement in the open markets. She reported that many companies were under full control of the Americans and that because the shares were bought under several proxy buyers, they thought the deceit would never come to life. But late one night, when Mrs Shumberg, 72, was trying to order another Orange Blossom Lipstick through the Avon website, she had accidently found herself in the main frame server of the NSA. She found a document showing that the share options of all the Worlds Tarmac Manufacturers were in the name of A Merica or Erica Am. With a little more digging she exposed the profits gained from the shares were being dumped into new software companies who supplied Top Secret Programs to the US Forces.

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Revolting Ducks In Park War

People frequenting Barrow Park may not have noticed the Ducks congregating in small packs around the Lake, but it has now been confirmed, by a mole, that there are factions at work. Each pack is out for full dominance of the Lake.

Although scarcely believable, we sent a reporter to the area to see if they could shed some light on the rumours.  At first they were greeted with a wall of silence, but with verbal skill and cunning (and a loaf of bread) they managed to make contact with the Leaders of the factions.

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