Poo Pile Poses Problem

Chaos was the watchword today as Dalton came to a standstill. Residents looked on in horror as a HGV, loaded with the world’s largest Egg Sandwich trundled through the town centre. The wide load had begun its journey from a factory unit just outside of Kendal; however problems only started to occur when the vehicle…
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Bourbon In Pensioner Disappearance Mystery

In a dramatic rescue overnight, Mr Stan Hillbourne, 71, from Queen Street, Dalton was rescued dramatically. The ex BAE worker suffered no injuries but was taken from his home in the middle of the night and driven to Furness General Hospital where he has had close observations in fear of a bout of Post Traumatic…
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Elephants Everywhere In Dalton

Several Dalton residents have reported seeing several full grown elephants in the town centre. Mrs. Plooder, 47, said she was walking down Market St yesterday, when she first noticed something move out of the corner of her eye. “I saw an odd shadow poking out from behind a lamppost, first I thought it was an…
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Smarties Not So Smartie

A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as ‘bursting at the seams’. The craze involves the family favourite chocolate ‘Smarties’. The young people are competing to see how many…
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Day Of The Dead Celebrated By Dalton Zombie

The Mexican Day Of The Dead is to be celebrated in Dalton by the rising up of 1000 zombies claims Dalton Man, James Swartz. The event will take place on November the 1st and 2nd, and will begin at sun down lasting for a full forty-eight hours. James has had over 40,000 leaflets printed warning…
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