Saintly Secrets Secreted Silently

Jesus Marrow
Jesus Marrow

Our Reporter has been holidaying with a trip to the Vatican City, and after a few days of sitting around doing nothing much but picking at their feet, cleaning ears and nose and scratching their armpits, they decided they had had enough rest and began to look into a rumour that had been ‘doing the rounds’ in Askam. To their surprise they discovered that a local resident is on the list to become a Saint. The process involves the proving of miracles and the cataloguing of selfless acts that have taken place in their name. Although the Vatican has issued a warning of legal proceedings if we name the person in question, we can reveal that they are closely connected to the Parish Council.

In a document recovered by the reporter it states that one of the miracles in question is the creation of thirteen Marrows, all containing individual images of the disciples, plus Christ, at the table of the Last Supper. When placed around a cauliflower it is believed to make a full tableau depicting the religious event. The vegetables were presented at last year’s Harvest Festival celebrations, but the judges missed the significance, only saying, “They look a little on the small side.” The soon to be Saint took a picture of his vegetables and sent it directly to the Pope who endorsed the collection as definite proof that Jesus lived and preached in and around Askam and Ireleth.

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Mystical Marshmallow Munches Man

Marshmallow Mouth
Marshmallow Mouth

In a strange twist of fate, Adam Morrington, 21, from North Row, became the first known man to be eaten by the food he was preparing to eat. The Barrow born Barrovian had been digging in his garden when he stumbled across two golden tablets. On retrieving them from the soil, an angel appeared, reported to be Gabriel himself, and told him that he could translate the runes engraved in the tablet by looking at them through a jar of Robinson’s Strawberry Jam and it would endow upon him the gifts enjoyed by Jesus.

Adams friend, 48, who was a friend to Adam and wishes to remain anonymous, told the Barrow Evening Mail that Adam “Had translated the tablets as best he could. The first type of instruction that was uncovered was ‘Walking on Water’. I was there when he tried it out. We filled the bath and Adam did this little incantation and then stepped on the surface of the water. It was amazing, it was like ice, he just stood there, like floating.” Brian continued, “I left after that, my mind was blown.”

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