Excitement rose today in Barrow Town Centre when it was announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would be a possible to open another new Tattoo shop. The owners, Grant Banana, 28 and Ivan Frog, 91, said they had been in touch with the celebrity couple and they were waiting for a reply.
The Barrow Evening Mail heard of the revelation when a hoard of screaming girls arrived outside the Office door demanding more information. As this was the first we had heard of it we went in search of the duo Grant, 98, and Ivan, 19, to find the truth behind such an A list acquisition. We found them in Diggles enjoying a pie and a cappuccino.
Continue reading “Branjolina Bothers Barrow”
People frequenting Barrow Park may not have noticed the Ducks congregating in small packs around the Lake, but it has now been confirmed, by a mole, that there are factions at work. Each pack is out for full dominance of the Lake.
Although scarcely believable, we sent a reporter to the area to see if they could shed some light on the rumours. At first they were greeted with a wall of silence, but with verbal skill and cunning (and a loaf of bread) they managed to make contact with the Leaders of the factions.
Continue reading “Revolting Ducks In Park War”
Police Chiefs have informed us that due to spending shortfalls in the previous years budget there will be a radical approach taken to cover the Furness area. Although extra officers are set to take up a local position, they believe that this will not be enough. It has been promised by the late autumn, that a new wave of crime fighters will be in place.
One hundred local cats have been signed up to be trained in the skills of surveillance and the deployment of arms. The cats are being taught to sniff out any person with criminal intent then follow them to the scene of a crime. When they arrive at the premises they will then radio in to the station where back up will be standing by. On receiving word another cat will be deployed carrying an AK47 Assault Rifle.
Continue reading “Security Cats To Be Introduced Into Furness”
The French Supreme Court today issued a decree that the Parish of Askam and Ireleth actually belong to them and they have demanded the return of their land. Their claim lies on the fact that during the Napoleonic era, while the major battles were raging across Europe, an elite unit of Napoleons Army landed on the beach and claimed the land for the French.
We put a reporter onto the case to see if the claim could stand up in the European Courts; we sent him to sunny Brittany, or so he informed us. In the Abbey of Mont St Michelle there is a manuscript that shows the decree signed by Napoleon to despatch the men. It is also documented that the church had financed the boat and the wages of the men. The great scholar Demitris Thurclios believes that the Pope was annoyed that the Furness Monks had stretched their influence so wide, therefore undermining the Pontiff.
Continue reading “Francophile Askamer. I Am A Frenchman”