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Read The Latest News from the news desk of the Barrow Evening Mail...

Smartie Not So Smartie

A new craze has started to spread throughout the whole of Furness. School children as young as five years old have been admitted to Furness General Hospital where operating tables have been declared as 'bursting at the seams'. The craze involves the family favourite chocolate 'Smarties'. The young people are competing to see how many smarties they can fit up their nostrils. There is a dual reason for this behaviour as explained by a young person we met outside the Co-op. "Yeb, I'mb een oohing it fo over a bunth an i asnt affecd me. Itbs boss". We asked him to remove the smarties and try explaining it again so we could understand him. "I've been doing it for over a month. I can get seventeen up my nose, but that's nowt really, my mate can get thirty three. I'm in training. "You get a rush as you push the smarties up your nostril, because each one adds more chocolate smell and that starts to get you off your head. It's the intensity of it, man. "Then when the chocolate starts melting it runs down the back of the nose and into the throat. But that's not it. When it gets so far and so thick it blocks your airways and you start to suffocate. Then you get a real buzz and if you've done enough smarties then you pass out for a few seconds... It's boss". Doctors at Furness Hospital said "Ibs quib gud fund". We asked the doctor to remove the smarties from his nose. "It's quite good fun, really, but I would suggest you keep the amount down to a minimum. One or two every couple of days wouldn't have any adverse effect on your health, although please don't quote me on it as really I haven't a clue and just trying to jump on the band wagon" he said as we quoted directly. Notices have been sent out to all children through their schools. The Barrow Evening Mail think that the practice should be looked at by the Government. The Editor has been so incensed by these ridiculous practices that he has publicly stated "Diz is outragus and stub be stobbed".

Man Arrested After Bomb Blast

On the evening of Saturday, 4th July an Askam man, Mr Hillings of The Hoadlands, aged 37, was taken into custody after he set a 25lb bomb off in the middle of the Rugby Ground. The blast left a hole 16ft deep and a radius of 32ft, taking out the most used area of the pitch.

Mr Hillings stated, “I bought, what I thought was, a firework. It said on the outside that the sky would light up an array of colours, with a steady stream of dancing fairies gently descending to earth. It was my wife’s birthday and I thought it would make a great crescendo to the evening. ‘Slippery Nipple’ anybody?”

The Police held a press conference late on Sunday morning where they clarified the situation. They said, “We now know that the bomb was an anti tank mine that had been dismantled and packaged into a cornflakes box with one real fuse and five others drawn on.” They continued, “We believe Mr Hillings is telling the truth about where he got the firework, but we still have to verify the story before we go forward with any prosecutions”.

The neighbours were reluctant to go on record, as they all pretended not to hear our questions. However we did get an answer from a local who wasn’t in the village that night. He said, “I don’t know much. I wasn’t in the village that night”.

Mr Hillings said that he would try to fix the rugby pitch and was last seen with his shovel, franticly flinging piles of dirt over his head.

The Police have assured the Barrow Evening Mail that there are no more bombs available to buy in the town, but have issued a warning stating, “The Bomb looked like a graphic designer had completed the job whilst doing a salsa and sucking on a very hot chilli”. The case continues.

Barrow To Rejoice New Traffic Lights With Festival

As the new one-way system comes to its first anniversary, Barrow Council have announced a weeklong celebration for their forward thinking road planners. Kicking off on the first weekend of September, the road will be closed for the week, as a stage the size to rival Wembley Stadium will be built.

Saturday will see the first show postponed due to an unforeseen complication with the lighting system. Sunday will host the first official event when local celebrity Dave Pliers will demonstrate the best way to cook an omelette while juggling five small dogs and a pineapple. The start time is yet to be announced, but it has been hinted that it will begin somewhere just after breakfast, or it could be late evening, or anywhere in between.

Monday through till Friday will be a repeating programme so that the whole of Barrow can join in the euphoric spectacle, which will include, Marge Cranberries ‘Knitting For Self Awareness’, The Gobble Floaters with the operetta, ‘Green Is My Favourite Colour’ and the headline act, Musical Youth’s ‘Tribute To Madonna, The Early Years’.

The second Saturday, postponed from the first, will see the culmination of the celebrations with one of the highest paid entertainers on the planet appearing to officially award those lucky enough to knock a coconut off a stick. Mr Barack told us that he was so pleased to be invited, that he is bringing the whole family. The stage will be host to Take That as they bring us the budget version of their ‘Circus Tour’, called ‘Flea Circus Tour’. The boys will be replaced by four tape recorders and the fleas will be seen to tow small wagons.

Barrow Council Spokesman said, “It will be an event to end all events”, before lifting his top and shouting, “I am so excited.” The Barrow Evening Mail has been invited to be the official reporters of the event, so with notebook and pen in hand, we will be bringing you a taste of the seven days with gusto and pomposity.

Weather Causes Chaos Across Cumbria

The recent weather systems have caused a major and widespread chaos over the whole of the County. Both drivers and pedestrians alike found themselves stranded by the unusual conditions. One local Woman, who refused to be named, described her plight, through the non-existent Barrow Evening Mail Forum, as chaotic.

She stated, ‘It started off as a normal day, rain was gently falling, so I decided to get togged up and make a dash for the local CO-OP to get the days provisions in. All of a sudden, the Sun appeared from behind a cloud. At first I thought it was a blip and that a normal service would resume very quickly, however after waiting at the door, it just got hotter and hotter until I had to remove both my hat, scarf and coat. I was quite calm at that point but when it started to get even hotter and I had to remove my jumper, I began to shake uncontrollably and finally entered an apoplectic state’. Mrs Gleber was one of the hundreds of pedestrians who found themselves in Furness General A&E overcome with shock and awe.

On the roads cars and buses alike had come to a stop as people got out of their cars to view the blue skies and shimmering Sun. One Driver said, ‘It was like a scene out of a film. You know it happens in places around the globe on a regular basis, but no one thought it would ever happen here in Barrow. It was a miracle, just a plain, simple miracle’.

Those who ventured out into the bright sunshine described the experience as ‘surreal’ and ‘odd’. A local Church Representative called our offices to warn that Satan was amongst us, and those who turned red in the sun will be ousted as Devil Worshippers. The Priest, from the Church of Tupperware and Plastic Condiment Utilities went on to say, ‘We are doomed. The whole of Mankind as we know it, should fall onto their knees and repent for storing their sandwiches in tin foil’.

Normal service was resumed some seven hours later when a hailstorm moved in and the whole County sighed a collective sigh of relief.

Credit Crunch Hits Barrow Shop

The global financial situation has hit a barrow business so hard it has had to close down with the loss of no jobs. The imagination shop, selling imaginary gifts, failed to see a huge debt mountain not appearing on the horizon. The shop, which has been established for over seven years, went into receivership on Thursday night after one of its main suppliers of dreams demanded they settle a bill that included nearly £900 of deliveries.

The Owner, Mrs Hortle Shufflebottom, said she was surprised to be in such a position, ‘I am surprised to find myself in such position. I never expected to be here… in fact I am surprised to be here and not in a better situation’.

The main business of the shop was to sell those things that people couldn’t afford and make their dreams come true by reducing the cost and selling them something from their own imaginations that could physically not be touched but be owned. Hortle said that because the business was not physically represented, people found it hard to find the premises and therefore any form of advertising was quite wasted. ‘I have spent thousands on advertising over the past few years and I have even stood outside it trying to get people in, but they just think I am a touch on the odd side and they tend to run away.’ Mrs Hortle Shufflebottom broke off at that point and burst into no tears.

On contacting Furness Enterprise, on behalf of Hortle, they said that there was nothing they could do as their criteria for giving out business grants was on the creation of employment, especially those people they can see.

Hortle thanked us for the help and offered us an imaginary cup of tea before she disappeared into thin air.

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